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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Resenting husband as out of work

13 replies

lill72 · 29/05/2013 23:47

Am feeling very down at the moment as DH has been out of work for 7 months now. He has been so close recently, and has been pipped at the post narrowly coming second to another candidate. This of course makes him doubt himself. Whilst I have full faith in his abilities, it is making me resent him a lot, as I wonder why he cannot find a job. I am a SAHM and have been looking for work too. It is putting an incredible amount of stress on us, as we can't look forward to or plan anything at the moment. It is the most horrible situation to be in.

I feel I have to hold back saying words of resentment to him and I really hate that I even have this feeling. I am hoping it all ends soon, as it is making us so unhappy, even though everything else is great. We are very happy and have a DD, but this is seriously affecting very aspect of our life. I dont like to see DH down and he won't talk to anyone, as he doesn't see what it will do. Ahhhhhhhh

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 29/05/2013 23:52

Its very difficult to find a job atm I think you need to be more understanding

fedupwithdeployment · 29/05/2013 23:58

I don't think resentment is going to help. My dh started a new job recently after about seven months out of work. Redundancy meant financially we were ok, but he was getting very down. Think about how you can help. Eg interview practice, research...plus lots of reassurance. Good luck. I know it is not easy.

Noregrets78 · 30/05/2013 00:00

I really feel for you, I've been in a similar situation. It's a horrible feeling of living in limbo. I started off being very sympathetic, trying to maintain my husband's confidence etc. After a while it became apparent that he wasn't actually trying, he was picking and choosing what to apply for, making excuses why no job was worth applying for. 6 years I've lived with it now...

I'm not saying you'll end up in my situation, just showing that I know where you're coming from. You definitely need to be understanding, if his self-esteem starts getting battered he'll find it even harder. But personally I'd only be happy if I felt he was doing everything possible, willing to accept anything rather than getting too fussy.

Casmama · 30/05/2013 00:02

I have been in your shoes (although working full time rather than sahm) and it is really tough. You need to ind a way o support your husband and or him to support you. I feel my marriage is stronger having come through such a tough time and my husband has made very Lear how much he needed and appreciated my support.
He probably feels like total crap already- imagine how you would feel if he started talking about resenting you for not being able to get a job and support the family?
I hope he gets something soon x

VBisme · 30/05/2013 00:02

I agree that you need to be much more understanding in this situation.

The job market is bleak at the moment, I know that's it's incredibly stressful, but you need to pull together at a time like this. Could you both try for part-time / evening work and share the childcare?

I really hope he find something soon, the current economic climate is horrible, we have to get out of it soon!

Casmama · 30/05/2013 00:04

Sorry for typos.
My reply was based on the assumption that he is doing everything he can to find a job.

Hiphopopotamus · 30/05/2013 00:04

Surely at the moment you are both SAH parents, with one of you needing to find a job. Why is all the pressure on him? One of you desperately needs a job to support the family, while the other takes on the childcare. How would you feel if he was resentful of you?

Mumsyblouse · 30/05/2013 00:24

He could equally feel resentful of you for not having a job, I have been in this situation, we both applied for jobs as his went under unexpectedly, and I started work a month later. I wanted to stay home and wasn't planning on reentering the workplace at the time, now I am extremely grateful I did and love the fact my career has restarted. It is a tough job market out there, you haven't got a job any more than him so really, there's nothing to feel resentful for, I think you need to start shifting your mental model that he is the provider and you are SAH (which is a default conditioned in society)- and start thinking more flexibly about how you could both maximise your chances of working/sharing childcare to get through this- start thinking of finances as a team and not just as his responsibility.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 30/05/2013 00:44

We are in the same situation and I totally understand the desperation for it to end somehow. My DH would (and has done, previously) a great job for an employer but is finding it incredibly tough in this market, and has also been to interviews for jobs he really should have been given. Fortunately for us I work FT but it has still been financially difficult. I would say turn your resentment against the stupid, stupid situation being perpetrated by the govt and the job centres - the unemployed are all supposed to accept that it's their fault somehow, they are lazy/stupid/not really trying when for many people the jobs are just not there for them. Your DH will feel bad enough. Are you both looking for part-time work as well so that at least you will get something like one decent wage? This has been the way for us lately - was part-time temp work but it was better than just being stuck with JSA and also gave my DH a boost in having something to focus on.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/05/2013 01:20

Pipped at the post is rotten luck, try and stay encouraging. He'll be feeling bad enough as it is. It will be tough on both of you, do you have family close by so you at least get a break from DD now and then? Is she still an infant, old enough to be at pre-school this autumn? I get the impression you are used to him being the main breadwinner, are you okay about no longer being a ft SAHM?

If you are able to find something that suits, at least he'll be able to look after DD, maybe job hunt online during the day or in the evening - has he been keeping up with industry colleagues, is he on LinkedIn? If he was not right for that particular role recently, he may yet hear from that employer, did he get feedback from that interview?

Look after yourself health wise, can the 3 of you try and get out and about with DD at least at weekends? Grab what sunshine there is, any stress busters you can think of. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health - you will come through this, keep going.

Original poster

lill72 · 30/05/2013 14:42

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions - sometimes it gets so stressful, you can't even think of simple solutions.

My DH is doing EVERYTHING he can to find work and I applaud him for that. I have always worked and it is awful to not be in control of my destiny at the moment. I don't have a problem working - the thing is that I am trying to move professions as I do not have the capabilities to work in a senior role in my industry anymore. Complicated to explain. I am trying to look for work in this industry at the moment, but it is tough too. I guess the reason the pressure is on DH is because he has a signicantly higher earning potential also like to have a baby sometime as soon as we can as I am reaching the upper age limit to have a baby. So ultimately, me getting a job at the moment is a short term solution. If I could go out and earn a good living in my new chosen profession, I would be soo happy! Just not possible at the moment.

I guess my resentment comes from the fact that I look after DD, clean, look after house etc and look for a job around a screaming, demanding toddler. I guess the stress I am already under daily due to the current situation, plus trying to type a cover letter etc with a screaming child constantly in the background tips me over the edge sometimes. Mumsyblouse - you are right, it is a team thing. In fact, I have been the chief earner in the past. As we are from Australia, I actually supported DH to get over here and was the one that made it possible. So by no means am I taking a ride.

It just is tough when he knows he could the job and I know he's do it well and he's get along with everyone and fit in really well. I am the only one he has been talking to so that is tough. I have recently got him to chat to his brother, as he has a gift of the gab that seems to get him amazing places, particularly regarding jobs.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles - thanks for all your thoughts. He is doing everything he humanly can. He has been getting lots of calls through connecting with people through linkedin - narrowly missed a job the other day coming second. He in fact got a call through linkedin from an internal recruiter about an interview today - he thought it was all confirmed and it was suddenly cancelled yesterday. He has his fingers in as many pies as possible - just seems to be having terribly bad luck. We have a few live jobs at the moment, so we are hoping they come through. In the meantime, deep breaths and walks in the sunshine. Chocolate helps too. I better get back to the job hunt!

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/05/2013 15:08

It is tough staying motivated. It must be difficult being so far away from your families in a crisis. I get what you mean about DH having higher earning potential so it seems imperative to free him to job hunt. After 6 months though it may be time to re-think. You want to contribute, are you getting a fair crack at seeking employment? While he's out of a suit and out of the office environment DH can do more domestically - it's not like it's demeaning - he can do a lot of networking etc by phone as he multi tasks, or when DD naps. Tbh when that second baby turns up he might as well have some clue as to how clean clothes appear or how food gets bought and cooked.

Just getting out of the house is in itself a breath of fresh air.

I'm guessing he won't gladly take to the idea of a retro step or lower salary therefore the pool he's used to swimming in will be crowded with sharp elbows and polished CVs. Could he be a gun for hire, do some consultancy work in his field, try a spell of self-employment?

It might sound like a major distraction from the task in hand but a spell of doing voluntary would not look poor on that CV.

Timetoask · 30/05/2013 15:19

Lack of work is so stressful for the family. As you know, being upset with your DH will make it even more difficult for him.
It is important for him to be heathy (mentally) while he looks for work, you risk him getting seriously depressed which will definitely stop him from being motivated.

Could you maybe tell us what industry he is in so that people can give you an idea of what he could do? Could he maybe find work abroad?

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