marriage, kids, and openness

[watterson1685]

hi mums, i read through some posts and saw what great advice you all give and wanted to try out some of my own thoughts. sorry to write so much i have so much trouble being concise...

i'm 26, my boyfriend is 29, and we've been together for almost 5 years. my first real relationship. we treat each other very well, and i think he's one of the most amazing people i've ever met. as we are starting to make big life choices together (going to grad school in the same city this fall), i am starting to ask him and myself about marriage, kids and what i'll call "openness":

• though there is no doubt in my heart that he wants to be with me long-term, he thinks marriage can change relationships for the worse and has a long family history to back his theory up. i would absolutely love to get married, but think i can deal with without it if it is really a dealbreaker.

• he does not understand why i would want kids. (i definitely do want kids.) he says he is open to it but i can see it makes him nervous even to say that. i've seen him play with other peoples' kids, btw, and he can't help but roll around on the floor with them making goofy faces and laughing.

• he thinks a degree of openness in a relationship is healthy. he has never been a ladies' man and professes not to want multiple relationships or sexual partners at all, but thinks that a bit of spontaneous kissing in a bar somewhere when you're on vacation or something (i. e. not in the bar around the corner from your home where you run into people you know) can bring some healthy freedom into long committed relationships. this TOTALLY freaks me out. so he's said fine, we'll keep to my rules - but what if he changes his mind down the road?

what do you think? do you think i'm setting myself up for a no-marriage, no-children, "opennish" relationship that will drive me crazy?

He sounds very immature and nowhere near ready for a monogamous relationship that you have in mind.
Kissing other people is not an option, it is not opennes, but cheating. I could not trust him to be honest.

If the idea of having kids does not appeal to him at the age of 29, having children with him would not be my choice.
if he said he's not ready yet, but would be happy to, that's a different story.

And the fat that he thinks marriages ruin relationships- well, sometimes they do, but he just sounds like he's looking for an excuse.

No couples get married thinking, well it might turn bad! and if they do, they should not get married, because that is a useless attitude to have.
good marriages don't just happen, they are hard work.

It seems that he just wants his freedom to do what he wants - and no responsibilities.

You are right to be questioning what kind of future there is for the two of you, it seems not a happy one.
Based on your feelings, wishes and plans I think I would call it a day, sorry.

You are fairly young and have plenty of time to date other people and find someone who thinks similarly to you.

good luck

Bluntly, he doesn't want to marry you, he doesn't want children with you and he would like to be able to play the field while still in a relationship with you.

If that's not what you want, don't hold out thinking he'll change his mind because he won't.

1st he told you what he wants (kind of, see below) - to be able to snog others. When he saw your reaction he told you what you wanted to hear - that he'd play by your rules.

Most people play by their own rules when the referee is not around.

And about "kind of". If you'd have been totally relaxed about the snogging question his next question would have been about shagging others.

Look, snogging in a bar is much more likely to lead to a quick shag than a thank-you-and-goodnight.

That's how he wants to behave.

You really shouldn't hesitate in getting rid of him. There is grief ahead for you.

And I'm a man who usually can't understand how quickly LTBs are thrown about. This is a clear cut case.

wasting your time completely, you wont get your dream with this charmer. he has a LOT of growing to do. sorry

Listen to what he is telling you - he is not keen on marriage or having kids and wants to cheat when the fancy takes him

L T B.

Time to let this starter relationship go

It's not going to give you what you want, and more likely to bring you grief and hurt

I suspect you will hang on and try to "change" him though

He does not love you enough to commit to you, marriage & children. He is just not that into you. Find someone who adores you and don't settle for less.

There's a convenient line for every aspect of what you want, isn't there? Marriage - oh no, my family history. Kids - oh no, too scary, which I know you'll believe because it's the stereotypical male fallback. Fidelity - oh no, not "healthy and free" enough.

Brutally, he doesn't want to settle down with you. It's not immaturity as such IMO. He is telling you who he is, the values he has, and where you and he are going in his head - listen to him.

In particular, don't set any store by his goofing around with other people's kids. That's not the change that needs to happen. He most likely does want kids (in a few years). He just doesn't want them with you.

When someone tells you what they want, for goodness sake, listen to them.

He does not want marriage, children or monogamy. Those are his choices and at least he's open about them.

You have a different picture of what you want in your future.

You need to decide, are you going to spend years with someone who doesn't want the same things out of life? And can you cope with the likely frustration of being thwarted (no wedding, no children, bouts of bad feeling when he hooks up with someone else)?

I hope the answer is "no".

Oh darling. Run for the hills.

Everything you want marriage, kids, fidelity is totally valid, and you deserve to have it. And you probably can have it, but you will have to find someone else first.

You are only 26, you have loads of time to find someone who wants the same things as you.

These days it's rare for people to stay forever with the person they got with at 21. Your 20s are a time to learn about life, so take the good lessons about this relationship and move on to find someone more compatible.

Now is a good time to split, you are about to start grad school and you will meet lots of new people and be super busy, you can start a whole new life basically.

He's told you what he wants. If that doesn't match your wants, then you should leave the relationship immediately.

Also, "rolling around making goofy faces" at other peoples' kids is cute, but there is much much much more to being a dad.

Listen to what he's saying to you, and take on board the advice you're given here.

Please don't do what I think you're going to do: stay with this man throughout your 20s and early 30s whilst you wait for him to be ready for children only to split up in years to come when he reinforced what he has already told you. He doesn't want kids or marriage.

And no, you will not be happy with an open relationship. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Don't be the one to make all the sacrifices. Sorry, but he is not the man for you. I know you probably won't, but it would be best to end things now than wait a few years delaying the inevitable.

Goofing around with kids is the very last predictor of being a good parent... which is all about changing nappies, clearing up mess, saying no, getting up in the night etc etc. You don't want two kids. Does he do the washing up? Take equal share of the nasty jobs?