Friend won't LTB-affecting her daughter

[matchpoint]

I'm so worried for my friend (call her Fiona). She has one 22 year old daughter and she is in a relationship with A Bastard. They've been together for about 8 years. She says that he has never hit her, but over the years I have:
-seen him absolutely flip out on small children (not just telling them off, but screaming in their faces, deliberately, just because he's big and they're little. Vile)
-been told the giant dent in their radiator is from when he kicked it in a rage over what to watch on TV

...to give two examples-frankly I could go on all day.

Anyway, it's her life and her choices, and all I can do is be there? Right? Well, I'm having a really hard time shutting up and staying out of it, because Bastard has never gotten along with Fiona's daughter (call her Jess). He belittles her, let his children from a previous relationship bully her when they were children and basically doesn't treat her with respect, whilst demanding it in return ("I own this house, and at the end of the day, I pay the bills"-direct quote).

I get on very well with Jess, and I know she sees me as somewhat of an aunt figure. We were talking on the phone yesterday and she says she is thinking of cutting off contact with Fiona because she can't deal with having him in her life anymore. She wants her mum to leave him.

I've told her to just take it one day at a time, and keep it between her and her Mum (i.e. stay out of any FB drama that his horrid daughters will inevitably create). I haven't told Fiona about this conversation, but I desperately want too.

Keeping my nose out is getting harder and harder, and I can't sit back and watch Fiona throw away her relationship with her daughter for her partner. Any advice is welcome; I am floundering here.

Does Jess have her own place or would she be in danger if you brought any of this up with her mother? Do you think Fiona would be in danger if you raised the subject? Reprisals etc?

My feeling is that the person you help here is Jess. If you can see how she is being mistreated, so can Fiona. Therefore the only conclusion is that - for whatever reason - Fiona is tolerating the behaviour and preferring to keep the bully sweet than protect her own DD. I accept that she is acting under duress but she's choosing him. If Jess can't get through to her own mother, I doubt you'll succeed where she has failed.

What does Jess need?... that would be the angle I'd take.

Jess lives in a student house in the town where she goes to university. When she graduates this summer, she'll be looking for a place with her fiancee in her hometown/surrounding villages. She knows that she can always come to our house, anytime.

I don't think Fiona or Jess would be in any physical danger, but it could get very unpleasant e.g. harassment via text messages and phone calls, going through other family members, lots of drama.

"What does Jess need?" is a good thing to keep at the forefront of my mind when dealing with all this. Thanks for that.

I also think you're quite entitled to say to your friend - without breaking any confidences or going into specifics - that you don't like the way her husband treats both of them. What's holding you back from that? Do you think you'll lose the friend completely? Do you think he'll go on the offensive?

Fiona does know how I feel about him, and we are still friends. I have said to her that I dislike him, I don't like the way he treats them and I think she can do better. The response I get is generally "Yes, but (insert lame excuse here)". It's frustrating.

I think that considering Jess is an adult, you could support her in making her own life rather than trying to change Fiona's mind. It's obviously up to jess how much she chooses to disengage but if Fiona senses that she's losing her daughter it might give her a wake up call. If not then she probably wasn't ever going to leave anyway :(