Told him he should leave - now worried about what next

[tomverlaine]

I tol "d"p to leave this morning. He had snapped my head off in response to a reasonable request and i just had enough. I told him i was fed up of him being nasty to me the whole time and that I had no idea what he needed to be happy but that I had done all I could and he needed to work it out. I don't know what to do any more, I don't know what the next stage is. I had thought that staying together for DS was the right thing to do but i don't know if I can - we are now starting to argue in front of DS or rather DS is picking up on it. part of me thinks that I'll go home and DP will carry on as if nothing happened and in the way it'll be a relief but in anotehr way we need to change.
what i'd really like to do is mend our relationhsip - i don't want DS to suffer.
I've posted before about how little DP does (SAHP- but DS in nursery 3 days- cleaner- I do all nights etc) but its the fact that he makes me feel guilty and is vicious (in words) to me if i ask him to do anything/criticise him at all - i feel like I am on egg shells all the time- i daren't ask him to do things that I would ask anyone else or would ask of myself and everything has to be on his terms. I don't have any respect for him left and I don't know how to get it back.

So sorry to hear of your situation.
I ma in a similar situation in that my Dp and I had a bad argument on Sunday and he has barely spoken to me since.
Has now just taken DS's to DG for a prearranged overnight visit and I get the impression he is not coming home after dropping them off.
Feel sick at the thought of the family splitting up and would do anything to protect DS's but not sure hiw I feel about him.
Don't want to ambush your post.
How are things for you now? Have you had any more thoughts? Mine change from minute to minute.

"what i'd really like to do is mend our relationhsip - i don't want DS to suffer"

You can't mend a relationship single-handed but asking your partner to leave is actually a better first step to that goal than you probably think. Once he has stepped out - assuming that is what happens next - it will calm the atmosphere in your home, take the pressure off and give both of you chance to really think about what life should look like going forward. This can be a useful catalyst for change but it relies on both of you to want things to work out, be honest about personal failings, and being prepared to make an effort.

OTOH If you've threatened making him leave but don't follow through then you can add 'contempt' to the aggression and disrespect you're currently experiencing.

Oh, you're the poster who works full time and does all the housework and cooking except for your weekly cleaner, and your partner plays computer games all day because he is a SAHP but your son is in nursery? And you had a health breakdown recently because of trying to do everything?

And we've all advised you lots of times that you can't fix it, because the problem is him and he is unwilling to lift a bloody finger meet you halfway, despite you having a breakdown?

He's gotta go, love. It doesn't have to be over forever, but it ain't going to change unless you're serious about wanting to be treated better. And you won't be, as long as you let him cocklodge.

That said, he's the SAHP and you work fulltime. So I think you're going to need legal advice if you want to be main custodial parent.

Pom poms! Really! I can hear that you're sad, and I too want this to work out for you, but honestly, chucking him out is the best thing you can do whether or not you want to make it work.

You need to get out of this mindset of possibly mending this so called relationship; there is nothing here to rescue here or save. Why do you want to mend this?. Your man is clearly not bothered at all. Your DS is already being affected here by the arguing.

If you want your DS to be happy in the long run you will separate properly from his cocklodger dad. That is the way forward for you and your son. Putting up with the cocklodger out of perhaps fear of being alone will only make things worse for you and your son.

Put you and your son first for a change.

I am not sure how many times you need to thrash this out with different sets of posters

You are being taken for a mug and a doormat

And still you hesitate ?

You're on the right track OP. Who needs to spend their life with someone you can't make reasonable requests from without being torn strips off?
He does that to stop you asking btw....so you'll be afraid to have any expectations whatsoever, and he can carry on pleasing his own lazy, selfish, aggressive arse. While you do it all yourself.
And it works.

Put him out.

You are mixing me up with another poster!(i saw the other one as well)- DP doesn't play computer games and I haven't had a breakdown. Son is in nursery 3 days- DP looks after him the other two and does do some work (in evenings) but...
anyway I got home last night and he was being "perfect" dad and neither of us brought up the row (the elephant in the room) but am aware we can't avoid tackling it (well I can't as it is just getting worse.)
Happyclappy- i know what you feel - my thoughts change too.
I don't think it is as obvious as he is horrible to stop being asked to do things - I believe he honestly feels he is hard done by -he would say i pick him up on every little thing whereas he is tolerant of the things i do ; i never get any feeling that underneath he knows he is in the wrong and this is what i struggle with. I am going to try and get some counselling as I just want to be able to talk to him without it descending into insult and attack

What you've got is a tricky situation that plenty of 'SAH' arrangements face ie. one partner being at home and the other thinking they're not pulling their weight. But, rather than talk about it maturely and calmly, dividing up the effort equally, reaching compromises and however else these things normally work, it ends up as turning into personal attacks and insults. Couples counselling may help you communicate better but I don't think individual counselling is appropriate.

Some people are just nasty when challenged.

Thanks Cognito - that makes it sound manageable (it is couple counselling i want)
to me there are two issues - the work loanm/work life balance issue and the agressive/attitude issue- to me the second one is the bigger issue (although the first one is too as I simply cannot do any more and i cannot understand his view at all- and no-one I speak to ever can either!)

The aggressive attitude is certainly the bigger issue. All relationship have disagreements and problems whether that's with a work colleague, friend, a relative or your partner. It's neither constructive nor acceptable to go on the offensive each time that happens and you have every right to say as much.