I dont want to let my past fuck up something potentally wonderful

[A4Premium]

this is long and i have namechanged

from the age of 14 to 24 i was in an abusive relationship, its only in the last couple of years that i have realised how abusive it was and how much it affected the rest on my life and relationships ive had since

I've never talked about how bad it was to anyone, but some of things he did were, getting me pg on purpose when i was a teenager, punching me in the face when i was pg because i accused him of being unfaithful (when i found makeup on his collar after he had been to a nightclub, this was the first of many times that he hit me). climbing over the balcony of the 14th floor of the high rise flats he lived in and threatening to jump while i watched, i was in hysterics (i was 15), cutting me off from all of my friends/family because he didnt like them, keeping control of all money we had and making me ask for money to buy food/clothes/nappies, accusing me of being unfaithful with his brothers/friends/dad!, forcing me to perform oral sex (if i didnt do it meant i didnt love him) telling me what to wear, not letting me go out after dark with our ds because it was dangerous, gaslighting (only recently found out about this term) endless EA telling me i was fat/boring/ugly the list goes on...

I left him when i found out he was having and affair, he beat me up 3 months later after finding out i had gone on a date with someone, he still tried to control me for years after by refusing to pay maintenace for our ds

every relationship i had after that was domed, i didnt trust men, i was an emotional, self concious, jealous wreck, and to my shame i was even physically abusive to my next boyfriend, i punched him in the face once during an argument

At the time i didnt realise it how bad it was, and i blocked it out for years while i concentrated on going to uni and getting a career, life was so hard that i didnt have time to think about the past

im now in my 40's and have a wonderful life, lovely home, high flying career but i have been single for many years by choice because i could not and would not let anyone else get that close to me again, that was until recently, ive met someone wonderful who i want to spend the rest of my life with but my relationship from 20 years ago keeps coming back to haunt me and i dont know why, i cant stop thinking about the things he did, im a different person now but why all of a sudden can i not get my past out of my head?

Have you considered therapy? You sound very self-aware and a good psychotherapist could help rid you of these demons.

Good luck - you don't have to let this long-over relationship jeopardise your happiness.

No ive not thought about theraphy, i dont even know how i would go about arranging that

Talk to your GP in the first instance. Explain the problem and explain your past trauma and see if they can refer you for some kind of counselling or even CBT.

Hi A4 what you have said is extremely interesting to me. I was in an abusive relationship from 19-25. A year on he is still abusing me and still controlling my life. He recently met someone else.

I am too scared to move on as I don't trust my own judgement anymore. I am going for therapy in June.

What you have said are all the things i'm scared of.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and i'm sorry that im not much help.

Therapy is easy to arrange, you fill in a form online to get a consultation, then they take it from there.

This register of counsellors and therapists has some good information including "What is therapy?". Good luck x

You can also sign up to the Freedom Programme.

Individual therapy in addition to that is also a good idea.

You can get past this and have a fulfilling relationship, but you do need to work through the issues of your past relationship so that you can enter any new relationship on a healthy basis.