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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When men have a midlife crisis...

26 replies

charliecat · 25/05/2006 10:52

What exactly is it they are looking for?
We have no debt, no money either, but no debt, 2 healthy kids, a garden for the kids to play in, we live in a nice enough area, we have a car to get from A to B and go camping/out for the day..
I havent let myself go that much but I can tell from what hes said hes considering walking away.
Hes going to him mums this weekend and hes going to clear his head.
So whats he looking for, does anyone know?

OP posts:
Dior · 25/05/2006 10:59

Charliecat - mine is in the same boat. Not getting to the walking away from me stage, but seriously unhappy in his work, and hating the thought of being in this situation for the next 30 years. We have a decent enough disposable income (not rich, but not buying Tesco Value products IYSWIM), an OK house in an OK area, a newish car, a lovely son yada yada yada.

How old is your dh? Mine is 37, and is wanting to do something completely different in his life work-wise. It is worrying me, because I have a nice life (I know that sounds selfish). I would obviously support whatever he decides, and actually fancy doing something as a joint venture with him, but am shitting myself about it.

Sorry yours is unhappy with you. Has he given any firm indication why?

HappyDaddy · 25/05/2006 11:05

Sounds like he's got a bad case of the "what ifs". They can be dangerous if dwelled upon but can also be a kick to a good change in your lives. If he finds work that fulfills him but also keeps you all in your current lifestyle, that'll be a big help.
I felt similar a couple of years ago, not about family but about work. I gave it up to be a SAHD for 18 months and it's reinvigorated me to be back in the workplace.

acnebride · 25/05/2006 11:06

my guess - autonomy - which I think is legitimate

but leaving his family isn't the way to find inner peace

Dior · 25/05/2006 11:09

My ssSIL's partner left her just over a year ago, after the birth of their 4th baby. He decided that he wanted to be free and be able to party again (he's over 40!) Anyway, about 6 months later, he decided he missed the children...so he caused devastation for no real reason. SIL won't take him back.

Grass is always greener on the other side.

HappyDaddy · 25/05/2006 11:10

Dior, agreed. The grass is greener really seems to be the thing. It never is, though.

Original poster
charliecat · 25/05/2006 11:12

No indication of why. For years he has knocked his bollocks in, work /sleep/work/ sleep and in November he was made redundant, now working 2 days a week. Hes got time to think, I think.
All the time he didnt have time to go fishing/play the guitar do this/that he was resentful about it. Now he can do these things he doesnt.
3 days of being a SAHD and he was asking why my mum couldnt pick up the kids from school, so that doesnt do it for him not at all.
Hes 33 Dior, I try not to look to ahead as another X amount of years of school runs/food shopping doesnt appeal to me but thats life.

OP posts:
Dior · 25/05/2006 11:23

Mine was the other was round Charliecat. He worked from home for 5 years, and could do loads of things for himself, because he wasn't always really stretched. He could go out for a bike ride in his lunch hour, but never did. He used to surf on his bike forum when he was quiet at work (never left his office to skive though), and had loads of time to do little things during the day. He hated the solitude, and not having people to talk to other than me and ds.

Now, he commutes for 3 hours a day and never has any time to do anything like mow the lawn. He is realising the loss of the free time that he had and the time he could spend with ds (bathing and story-reading etc.) No he says that he is 'home-sick' and appreciates me more. I think it is doing us good as a couple, because he appreciates the time we do have together, instead of watching what I was doing and where I was going all the time.

However, I do feel really worried about him because he is so unhappy. He hated his old job so much and was desperate to leave, but now regrets leaving! Once again, the grass was greener on the other side.

6 months ago, I offered to work full-time so that he could be a SAHD for up to a year. I couldn't earn enough to do more than pay the bills, but we had some money in credit with our mortgage lender, so could have had a year off payments. Anyway, he then got this job in London, and I was relieved, because I was so worried about everything. Now, I'm shitting myself again that it is all going to go pear-shaped.

Sorry, this is not helping you CC. Have you talked to him? He sounds like he really is having a crisis. How sad for you that he won't share everything with you...Sad

Original poster
charliecat · 25/05/2006 11:27

Its nice to know its not just me Dior :)
We chatted in the car last night, I was the voice of reason saying the grass,is greener, what do you REALLY want to go and knock your bollocks off for someone else 5/6 days a week and still have no money (because thats the reality) if you do, yep thats fine, but you hated it when you were.
At which point he says he doesnt know.
He started a sentence with, If I walk away...and I think he forgot its me hes walking away from :(

OP posts:
Dior · 25/05/2006 11:29

You sound like you really need to talk properly. Can someone have the children for a couple of hours dso you can go out for a drink and a chat, away from the house?

Original poster
charliecat · 25/05/2006 11:34

Hes going up to his mums in Scotland tonight so no. I think im just going to text him and ask it is what hes after, or to think about what it is, its women that want the garden and the house and the healthy happy kids though. Thats me sorted...you know, it doesnt do it for him.

His mother will be offering him fags(he gave up 6 months ago) and seeing if she can hook him up with someone other than me....great MILGrin but thats another thread.

OP posts:
Dior · 25/05/2006 11:38

What a child running to Mummy instead of facing life head-on. I'm sad for you. And Angry at your MIL on your behalf.

Original poster
charliecat · 25/05/2006 11:39

The running to mummy was a planned event, but its very convieniently timed IYKWIM.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 11:40

I got this, only I wasn't middle aged. We had everything, a nice house that dh had done up really well, a garden, enough money to pay the bills and then some more, a social life, 2 healthy kids................ but I wanted more! It was never the life that I had planned and I knew that if I didn't do something about it quickly then it would be too late. I was looking for some meaning I suppose, an escape from the routine, the drudge of it all. There was nothing exciting in our lives, nothing fulfilling. Dh liked it enough, but I felt that I was just clawing at the walls, desperate to get out!

Luckily for me dh saw my point of view and he agreed on a change. We sold the house, bought a caravan and moved to France in search of adventure. 2 years later we are heading back to England, a lot poorer, no house, no jobs, but we're a lot happier! We've achieved so much and I feel that I'm finally living life as it should be lived!

I don't know what you can do about your dh, but listening is the first step, try to understand what he is telling you, even if you don't agree with it, just try to understand it.

Original poster
charliecat · 25/05/2006 11:42

I knew all that from the TV rhubarbGrin
Glad your happier :) Are you not worried about the same thing happening again?

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 11:50

Yes I am, but I am a different person then. I got into that state because of the ante-natal depression I had with dd, it knocked me for 6 and I just sort of gave up control to other people, I had to really. They did what they thought was best for me. Then when I was pregnant with ds the depression came back but I fought it head-on, I chose to have a home-birth and other things to regain control. Afterwards I felt like I'd won, I'd achieved something, so I looked around and decided to take back more control!

I'm the me I used to be now. There will be no more pregnancies so I feel fairly safe there. I'll never relinquish control like that again.

Hope you find out what's bugging your dh. Could you not plan a weekend away, just you and your dh to talk and sort of 'rediscover' yourselves sans enfants?

Original poster
charliecat · 25/05/2006 12:00

No weekends without kids for us, but its not the kids getting in the way...or us even, its him.
So we will see where his thinking leads him..
Got the BIGGEST headache here, going to drown it out with some tunes and the dishes.. Thanks for listening xx

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 25/05/2006 12:01

Good luck!

overdraft · 25/05/2006 12:57

Oh Charliecat sorry to hear this.My Dh felt like this for over a year before having an affair.I am not saying yours will though.He brought a new car started dieting e.c.t.The thing was he wouldn't talk to me about it and I am a good listener.He snaped at me and the kids all the time.He had a huge wake up call when he got caught out.He admits he was behaving like a teenager and didn't want responsiblities.He looked at his life through a half empty glass.
All I can say is keep talking.Can't you stop him going to his mums as you know it will make things worse.
Keep posting.

Original poster
charliecat · 25/05/2006 13:08

I was thinking of saying, Hey we could make it into a mini holiday, go to thorpe park on the way back down, take the tent, as the kids are on half term and dont need to be at school next week but I wont have the kids stay at his mums house as the place is rot. The cats shit in the bath and everything is brown and hairy. My standards arent high but its bacteria central....anyway, which would mean hed say No I cant not stay at my mums so im not going to mention it.
I am wondering if its an affair hes after, its the only thing thats missing from his life IYKWIM a raging passionate sex life.

OP posts:
Hoopoe · 25/05/2006 14:33

he wants excitement, a life less ordinary...

bluejelly · 25/05/2006 14:48

CC take him away to a hotel for a dirty weekend, or just a weekend for the two of you to have fun...

dinosaure · 25/05/2006 15:06

I'm nearly 41, I'm the breadwinner, I'm in a position where I'm not really happy with either my job or my relationship - and for the first time ever, I can really see why men have mid-life crises.

miniminx · 02/06/2006 13:30

Blimey - does EVERYONE have a mid-life crisis?

My DH and I seem to be having ours simultaneously. Not sure if this is a good thing. Maybe one of you needs to be the steady one.

Charlie Cat, what you say sounds really difficult to deal with. You sound very strong and composed about it. Is he being nice to you? Do you feel as if he is considering your feelings?

Could you talk about how to make an adventure between you (like Rhubarb did), rather than throwing away your relationship only to be stuck with the usual boring routines of life once the novelty has worn off?

Original poster
charliecat · 13/06/2006 15:33

Little update ...dp went to scotland, was away for 5 days, and has returned in a much better healthier state of mind, well from my point of view anyway.
Must have cleared his head. HOWVEVER. The weather is better, we are out and about doing more things camping etc and the cynic in me wonders whether when the winter draws in and the pub lunches end will it start to fester again...time will tell.

OP posts:
SKYTVADICT · 13/06/2006 15:37

Glad it sounds a little better for you Smile

Maybe by the time the nights draw in he may have settled - only time will tell.

As long as you and the kids are happy