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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Still finding out lies a year after marriage break up

22 replies

GreenEyedGirlxxx · 28/05/2013 20:16

Just clearing out last of exH stuff because he still won't take it. I thought if I bagged it up he might be persuaded to take it when he picks up 2 year old DS tomorrow - usually he says he will get it next time and if I say anything, he says I'm trying to cause a row.

Anyway in his wardrobe I found a print out of an email confirmation for a day use hotel room (nice) from June 2011 when our son was 6 months old. This was 3 months before he's admitted the affair started (he left me for OW but not that one - he lives with the second OW now!). Anyway we struggled for money, I paid for everything and he spend all that money on hotel rooms for 'day use'. I'm half upset, half livid.

I shouldn't care anymore but it's just a bit more of our life together that was a lie. It just feels wrong that someone can treat their wife like that and just walk away scot free. I need to let this one go - there's no point bringing it up now. I just needed to tell someone so thought I'd write it here.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 28/05/2013 20:20

Yes, I found out that my ex was having two affairs at the same time. I found out about the one and when I'd kicked him out and he was living with her, I found out about the other.

I rang him and said, "Does X know that you were having an affair with Y as well?" He wasn't expecting anything of the sort and I swear I heard his chin hit the ground. It was a very satisfying moment.

Pick your moment and let him know you know. You hold more power now; try to see it that way.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 20:23

Put his bags in the street.

You owe him nothing

This is simply yet more confirmation that you made the right decision. I wouldn't even bother to confront him with this latest proof of how shit he is.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 28/05/2013 20:24

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 28/05/2013 20:27

Any discussion will be viewed by him as proving you still want him and let's face it he is still going to lie. If you really want to put it in the bag with his stuff, or add it to a small box for when you need to remind yourself why splitting was a good idea.

Chubfuddler · 28/05/2013 20:29

I know it's hard but you have to stop giving him and his shit head space. It's over, he's a twunt, you know that. It doesn't really matter if he is even more of a twunt than you already suspected or knew.

Just think, you never have to watch his face do that shifty look when he's lying to you, you know he is lying and even worse you can tell he knows you know and yet somehow, the bollocks is still coming out of his mouth.

ItsNotUnusualToBe · 28/05/2013 20:29

I was finding things out for years afterwards. Mainly because people were happy to come up to me and tell me what they knew

After the first upsetting time, I chose to view the additional knowledge as proof that my gut instinct was right all along, that I wasn't mad / paranoid / irrational / jealous / depressed / suspicious. What I was , was fucking well RIGHT. It was good to find that out. Very good for my long term mental health.

Hope life takes you onward and upward.

MirandaWest · 28/05/2013 20:31

I know a bit about how you feel - my marriage broke up two years ago and tbh I know I'll probably never know exactly when XH started his affair with his now GF and sometimes it still bothers me. I do feel much of our marriage was false which does bother me although the DC are a very good part of it.

RedPencils · 28/05/2013 20:33

Shove it in the bag with the rest if his stuff. That way he knows you've seen it but haven't mentioned it because you're not interested.

Wossname · 28/05/2013 20:38

I would leave it at the top of the bag so its the first thing he sees when he opens it. Then never mention it so that he knows that you know that he's worthless.

Then keep it in mind if you ever doubt yourself and your decisions.

Original poster

GreenEyedGirlxxx · 28/05/2013 20:48

It's amazing how much strength you can get from reading supportive messages from strangers - thank you so much.

You're right, if I were to mention it to him, he would think I am upset because I want him back, or he will twist it round and think 'see, she's moaning at me again, this is how she drove me to have an affair'.

I know I am better off without him, and I know life will just get better. But sometimes it's just hard - especially when he is still in his relationship and plays happy families with our son every week, and I am on my own. I have to keep reminding myself I haven't 'lost' because sometimes it feels like that.

Anyway, at least it stops me forgetting how awful he was, and stops me feeling sad. What a sordid horrible thing to do - no wonder his business failed if he was taking days off to go to hotels (while I was taking care of our baby).

I've got my gorgeous son - so it wasn't for nothing.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 20:51

No, it wasn't for nothing. You have something very precious out of something that ended on such a bum note.

Move on now, though. Fake it if you don't quite make it yet. But you will.

Original poster

GreenEyedGirlxxx · 28/05/2013 21:13

Thanks AF. A bit of faking may be needed for now, but determined to get there. It's just taken longer than I thought it would.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/05/2013 21:20

There is no time scale, I guess x

ALittleStranger · 28/05/2013 21:53

The thing about liars is there are always lies. They will keep popping up for years to come. You really do just have to gird your loins and thank your lucky stars that you're not with the dickwad anymore.

DorisIsWaiting · 28/05/2013 22:16

I would agree with red pencils put it near the top of the bag so he knows you've seen it...

Original poster

GreenEyedGirlxxx · 29/05/2013 08:13

He picked up DS this morning. Apparently he will take his stuff when he drops him home tonight (I'll believe it when I see it). I'll decide later whether to put the email in the bag or whether to just leave it.

For the first time this morning I didn't really engage with him - I wasn't unpleasant but not overly friendly either. Basically indifferent and matter of fact and I feel so different going into work today than I usually do. Usually feel sad and rubbish and like he has the upper hand. In response to how I was, he started being far more friendly than usual. I think he was just a bit surprised. I've been telling myself to be like this with him for ages but never seem to manage it once he's there in front of me.

I just think why bother talking to him when 75 percent of what he says isn't true, but he swears blind it is.

Anyway, long may it last. I'm determined that this will be a turning point for me now.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 08:15

Good for you

Every cloud....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 08:16

Here's a thought... take that hotel confirmation, a box of matches and some lighter fuel. Put his stuff outside, sprinkle with fuel, then use the confirmation as a taper....

End of problem.

Jengnr · 29/05/2013 08:20

Just leave it outside for him to take. If he doesn't launch it.

ImperialBlether · 30/05/2013 23:11

You could put a carving knife through the email and into the bag. Leave it there and deny all knowledge. You shouldn't have any more trouble from him.

Original poster

GreenEyedGirlxxx · 03/06/2013 23:55

Haha, somehow missed the last couple of replies to this. I've just found them and they made me laugh

He took two of the four bags on Saturday (it was a battle to get him to take any!), and the email confirm was in the top of one of them. I haven't heard from him so no idea if he's seen it or not, and I doubt he'll say anything anyway.

And I'm caring less by the day. Gradually it gets easier. The bad moments get fewer. I'm just hoping I don't discover anything else that he did. That's enough now, I don't want to know anymore.

OP posts:

overture · 04/06/2013 00:10

Green,
Firstly I'm so sorry, be through this myself. Nothing will take away the pain but time.

Best thing you can do for yourself and to make him (small chance)consider his horrible behaviour, it to live well and happy.

Even if he hurts you, don't let him know, put on a brave face be cheerful and nonchalant.

Don't worry about his rubbish anymore, put it out on the step literally and tell him if he wants it he can pick it up out where you've left it, and you're through being his storage facility anymore.
It will get easier.

Flip