Perspective needed on relationship with dad

[MillyMollyMandy78]

Please take the time to offer me some advice/ support on the following matter cos I am really hurt at moment. Nobody in RL is able to relate to my situation. I have also posted several times on the stately homes thread, but my posts either get completely ignored or one answer at most - possibly because everyone has their own difficulties, which I understand.

My mother is a narcissist and she has been emotionally abusive throughout my life. I won't go into all the details as I have posted several threads previously about this. I went no contact with mum a few weeks ago. She and my dad are still together and dad is a classic enabler.

As far as he is concerned she can do no wrong. Our feelings don't get taken into account, the world revolves round mum. We are expected to just tow the line, put our feelings into account and put her first.

I love my dad and I believe he is a good person. However, he did not protect us as kids and has made things worse for us in the past. I suggested meeting up with dad twice recently and he said he couldn't cos it would be too difficult/ awkward if I saw him without mum. Obviously I felt hurt by this - in some ways it is tho he is siding with mum by refusing to see me.

On the other hand, I always call my parents every sunday and I haven't done since going NC with mum. Partly because I feel it might be awkward for dad/ if she answers the phone, and partly because I have been hurt and feel i have already made an effort to meet up/ chat. I also feel that perhaps dad should be the one to make the effort, as I have always shown him full support whenever he needed it, particularly the past couple of months when things have been really hard. Dad has told us countless times when we were kids that if he and mum split he would never want to see us again and had no intention to continue contact. However, I know that it is me that has stopped calling and mum will prob be turning him against me too.

So any ideas on what I should do? I do not want to confront dad (for several reasons I don't want to go into on here). Also how do I feel ok with not being a priority in dad's world? I just feel let down and abandoned.

Well done OP, hope you're ok

Thanks!

I'm so glad you're feeling better Milly. Things ease slowly as your mind processes stuff. You'll get stronger every day x

Your parents have abjectly failed you.

His recent behaviour towards you is one of bystander and he has played that role to perfection. He is still doing that and he won't change. He would rather you take his wife's flak; he just acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He has abjectly failed to protect you from your mother so he does not deserve any more of your time either.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. That was his, yours seems to be one of scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

Your Dad is a bystander and your mother like all narcissistic mothers, need a willing enabler to help them. That person for her is your dad.

Attila - As time goes on I am sharing your view more and more. He is acting out of self preservation and blind love for mum. My feelings are not to be regarded and I deserve better than that. If it was left to dad we would just sweep everything under the carpet and act as normal. But there is no benefit to me to go back to that sort of relationship.

On the other side, I feel really horrible this morning after learning that mum was in tears yesterday over all this. This is not her style for attention seeking so I believe that she was genuinely upset. I've always been the main fixer to try and make other people feel ok and support them. So this makes me feel like a lousy person. Feel pretty guilty

Hi Milly. I just wanted to give you my sympathies.

To say 'don't feel guilty' feels a bit like saying 'don't think of the colour pink!' but I wanted to reiterate to you that this is not your fault. None of it is.

They were the parents; you were the child. They ballsed it up; not you.

Do not assume that tears mean she is upset or has regrets.

They are more likely to be self pity, manipulation and anger.

Hi

Who told you she was crying yesterday?.

Her tears are fake and designed to tug at your emotions. Tears to a narcissist mother can be used to further manipulate others around her.

You were not put here to try and fix others in your family or elsewhere. This is perhaps one of the most damaging legacies your narcissist mother has left you.

(BTW I have narc ILs and a toxic grandparent on my side of the family whom I also have limited contact with. Age does not necessarily mellow such people).

It is NOT repeat NOT your fault your parents are like this, you did not make them this way. Their own parents did that damage to them.

I can give you an example of the above. My MILs parents made her the centre of their own universe; it is therefore not at all surprising to me that she is narcissistic in terms of personality.

Hi Milly, I have read your posts in stately homes, and used to post there a while ago. I'm also a year further down the track of NC with my narcisstic mother, and schizoid disordered, enabling father.

As far as the guilt goes, be aware that this may not actually be an emotion that is a true reflection of what you are feeling. By that, I mean that your narc mother has probably programmed/trained that emotion into you. My N mother did a great line in this, she used to say to me when I was young "Don't you want to be a good girl?" to manipulate me into whatever she wanted me to do. I wised up to this eventually, and she started using other tactics on me. I eventually wised up to that as well, and as a young adult, once shouted at her "Stop trying to make me feel guilty!!!"

Remember, the guilt is probably not yours to feel, it probably has been trained into you at a very young age, so young that you don't even realise it. Listen closely to yourself, and decide "Is that her voice? Or is is my voice that is telling me I should feel guilty? Over time, I learnt to become very aware of whose voice I was listening to. Then, even if I felt the guilt, I would rationalise it and remind myself where it was coming from, and that I didn't need to feel it.

HTH

What about the tears you've shed Milly? Who feels guilty about causing them?

You don't expect anyone to put things right for you. So why is it your job to feel guilty and responsible when your Mum "cries"?

I don't know who told you your Mum was crying, but my father used to tell me "your mother's been in tears" as a way to manipulate my emotions, fire up my guilt and pull me right back to heel.

I love your line - "there is no benefit to me to go back to that sort of relationship." YES. THAT!

Thanks everyone - you are all right. My brother mentioned she had been in tears when he phoned her, but she didn't talk about things with him and he is not someone that would be getting sucked into her games/ try to make me feel bad at all, so know there was no manipulation from his side of things.
And WindingDown I have told myself the same thing - think of all the tears that I have cried, and she hasn't shown any remorse. logically I fully agree with all that and stand by my decision to go nc 100%. however, surely it is only human to feeel bad for making someone cry? I know these are the consequences for HER actions, but I don't think I would like me if I didn't feel at least a bit bad.

Milly, this is exactly the kind of thing I was referring to above -your mum is using your dad and brother as ways to get at you. If they are not a)respectful enough of your decision and b) willing to have their own relationships with you, not dictated by your mother, there is very little you can do other than detach, and hope that in time they will be able to offer you more.
You have done more than enough here. I'm sad for you because your dad's behaviour must hurt, but he has free will and decisions to make too. Good luck x