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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex walks out- now wants to come back.... What a mess!!

22 replies

MissT78 · 28/05/2013 15:23

Hi ladies

I've joined this site to see if anyone can offer any advice on my horrible situation.

(This might be a long one- apologies in advance...)

Was with ex for 5 yrs.. We had 3 babies in 3 yrs (none planned, all due to various failed contraception)

In this time he has also been unfaithful to me once with an ex and once with some girl over the Internet. I forgave and tried to move on, but. The trust has always been a bit dodgy on my part...

With havin 3 very young children its obviously been hard on both of us. I've struggled with PND and have felt pretty resentful as I felt I was pressured into having three pregnancies back to back.. Anyway....

Between Christmas and new year he decided he had enough and left the house, leaving me to pick up the pieces and hold everything together. The first week was hell on earth, didnt think I would manage.... But I did.. Holding down a full time job with a massive promotion was the best thing in a way as it gave me more money and something else Tom focus on...

2 months after he left by complete chance I met a man who I went to school with... He's also separated and we have fallen completely and totally in love... The absolute last thing I ever expected..

Coincidentally?? Around the same time The ex decides it was all a mistake and wants to come back and has been plaguing me with texts, cards etc. begging me to give him and our kids their family another chance..

I feel like he's bullying/stalking me, isn't used to me saying No and not backing down. I feel like he's using the kids as emotional blackmail so I should be with him for their sake. Making all sorts of grand promises
... The thing is the guilt tripping is wearing me down and making me question if I am being a bad mother and bad person generally because I don't want to go back? I feel awful and guilty and yet it wasn't me who left??

The man I'm with now is incredible and so understanding about everything. He's. one of life's good guys and is wonderful with the kids. I adore him!!

And yet I feel like I'm bein selfish and a bad parent because I don't want To go back to the ex.

Can anyone understand this horrible triangle I'm stuck in... .?? Anyone been in this situation and has a perspective to help me??

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/05/2013 15:28

Listen to what you are saying. Are you a bad parent for teaching your children that:

You shouldn't be cheated on lied to and hurt by someone who should love you?
You deserve to be happy?
People who bully don't get what they want?

Think about what you would want your DC to do in your situation. Would you want them to go back to a person who was selfish, cheating and bullying or not? You know he would cheat on you again, you know it. Steer well clear.

nkf · 28/05/2013 15:28

Well, you clearly don't want to be with the dd, so that's easy. Don't be. Sounds a bit quick with new man, but I'm a cautious type. Congratulations on the promotion.

Euclase · 28/05/2013 15:29

Tell Ex "No."

He's cheated on you twice ! He's a knobber. And a bullying one at that.

You sound like the new man in your life is making you happy. Stick with him and tell the Ex that he's not coming back.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 28/05/2013 15:29

I am sorry your OH decided to leave. Not been in this exact situation, similar but minus DCs, but I would focus on:

what do I want?
how to protect the children.

What would you want to happen?

Thisisaeuphemism · 28/05/2013 15:32

There's no mess - he was unfaithful twice and then decided to leave. You don't trust him, you don't like him (unsurprisingly) why would you have him back? So that he could do it all over again?!

morethanpotatoprints · 28/05/2013 15:32

if you want perspective.

Your ex is a lying cheat who left you. He did this at a time when you were vulnerable and needed help, he is not a good man, by the sound of it.

Your new man you love, is good for you and to you.

You have dc who you are parenting, single handedly, and doing a good job. You don't even need their father for finances as you can manage fine on your own.

It's a no brainer, he left. Has it all gone wrong with an ow, will he do this again and again if you take him back?

OddSockMonster · 28/05/2013 15:32

Don't let him back.

You're not being a bad mother by not getting back with him, you're keeping someone who treats you badly out of your life, and that counts for much more.

If he's really bothering you, can you change your mobile number, or block him? And just put cards straight in the bin if you don't want to read them.

mcmooncup · 28/05/2013 15:34

I'd try and stay single for a while. Your ex is a cock. And your new fella is too much too soon. He may well be a cock too, unless you have changed your choosing criteria from last time, it's very possible you've got yourself another cock head.

You would cope fine being single.

Trying not to be dependent on men for your happiness is the hardest but most valuable lesson ever.

pregnantpause · 28/05/2013 15:38

Your ex attempted to control and manipulate your behaviour by leaving, with the hope you'd beg to get him back and bend over backwards to accommodate him. You didn't. He is now attempting to manipulate and control you by using emotional blackmail to make you do what he wants. Your DC will be happier with separated parents than with parents in an unhappy relationship. If you were with ex what example would you be setting your DC?
Set them the example that you can choose to be happy. Everyone deserves respect, and settling for anything less than the best is not necessary.your DC will thank you for not giving in to your bullying ex, through the life lessons you'll teach them.

Hissy · 28/05/2013 19:37

If you are feeling bullied/stalked, that's because you ARE!

Call 101 and ask forr some advice.

Don't let this pillock back.

ThePinkOcelot · 28/05/2013 21:58

Do you think your ex is wanting you back because you are with someone else? Do you think he would be saying the same thing if you were still on your own?
I don't think there is a mess here OP. He moved out, you've moved on - tough on him! It sounds to me that even without your new man, you wouldn't be interested in taking ex back anyway! Tell him to trot on!

gettingeasiernow · 28/05/2013 22:25

You say you don't want to go back to him but feel selfish not to. It isn't selfish. If his hold over you has vanished, this is a very good thing, because you will never have to deal with any more episodes of infidelity from him. It sounds like he couldn't behave when he had you worn down and vulnerable, so isn't it best to keep the break clean? Whether you are with the new man or alone is really neither here nor there, though I wish you luck with the new relationship.

skyeskyeskye · 28/05/2013 23:25

If you are happy then your DC will be happy. It is no coincidence that your X wanted to come back when he saw that you were successful and happy. That shook him and made him realise what an idiot he was.

Stay firm, tell X that he had his chance, several of them, but you have moved on now

lemonstartree · 28/05/2013 23:29

tell your Ex to fuck off. He is you ex because he cheated on you. TWICE. End of. Then take some time before you get too involved with Mr Nice.If he IS nice he will understand. If he doesn't understand then is ISN'T nice.

chipmonkey · 28/05/2013 23:37

Did ex know you were with someone else? Oddly enough, I have seen it happen a few times with friends. Ex moves on but all of a sudden, when there's a new man on the scene, comes crawling back out of the woodwork......
Don't take him back, he'll make you miserable and if you're miserable, your children will be too.

Loulybelle · 29/05/2013 01:27

I wouldnt be surprise if he found out you were seeing someone, its amazing how men work, they dont want you, but the moment another man does their primative "mywoman mybaby" instinct kicks in.

Your ex has crawled back because he hates the idea that you arent at home weeping at the loss of him.

Tell him that there is no going back, your children deserve a happy mummy, not one smug cheating scumbag daddy.

Original poster

MissT78 · 30/05/2013 14:37

Thanku for all your advice and supportive words. I know it's very soon to be moving on with someone new and I guess that's a proper kick in the teeth for him- but if there's one thing I've learnt is to expect the u expected!!?

I definatley don't want to be a martyr to a relationship "for the sake of the kids". I guess I just needed to hear from other women in particular that this doesn't make me less of a mummy.

OP posts:

ladyjadie · 30/05/2013 16:47

It absolutely does not make you less of a mummy. You deserve to be with someone who is a good person. You deserve to be happy. You are doing your children a much bigger service by being happy and with someone who you love and who loves you,who treats you well, this sets them up much better to forge their own good relationships in the future. All the best to you, it's great you're happy! Don't let twat ex wear you down.

MissStrawberry · 30/05/2013 17:07

What came first, your new man or him "wanting" you back?

Hissy · 30/05/2013 18:41

Being happy, providing a caring, healthy, happy environment makes you a good mummy.

It may be soon, but as long as you have space, respect, love and kindness from him, i'd say it's long overdue.

Keep your radar switched on though, you will still be potentially vulnerable.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 18:46

Are you fucking nuts ?

Cluffyflump · 30/05/2013 18:50

You're doing great without him!
Don't be a mug.

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