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Original poster

I've just realised that I can't orgasm without erotic fiction - either reading it or recalling it ..

27 replies

howdoifixit · 28/05/2013 13:19

I have name changed for this

I have a lovely new and very patient partner who likes to take things slowly and although I feel as though I am having a lovely time and am always close to having an orgasm but I can't quite get over the edge. He does not put any pressure on me at all

When he performs orally on me, I come by thinking about scenes in erotic fiction that I have found to be a turn on .. I realised that I have been using erotic fiction since I was about 15 to masturbate and also during sex with partners (I am in my mid 40's and this has only just occurred to me)

I'd like to stop doing that and enjoy what is happening to me .. I suppose it it a bit like men who are addicted to porn .. does anyone have any good advice for me?

OP posts:
Moanranger · 28/05/2013 13:36

This is really not a problem - use the imagery that works for you to come, & gradually shift focus to your partner. Yours is a pretty normal situation, TBH & I think you are worrying unnecessarily.

ShowOfHands · 28/05/2013 13:40

If your mind needs to be stimulated for you to climax, then that's just the way you are built.

I don't think it's a problem really. Could you ask your dp to consider talking to you/describing stuff. Or you do the talking? Share some fantasies?

Dahlen · 28/05/2013 13:43

What sort of things are turning you on? If it's hard core and a bit fetishistic, maybe you have a problem, but if 's pretty run-of-the-mill erotic fiction I really wouldnt' worry about it.

I'd worry about it if you're having to go mentally elsewhere throughout the whole period of having sex, as that does imply either sexual incompatibility or a dependence on erotic fiction, but if it's just to tip you over the edge, I'd say that's pretty normal TBH.

Dahlen · 28/05/2013 13:45

Agree with ShowOfHands that you could easily turn this to your advantage and ask your new partner to become involved in recreating some of these scenes. You don't have to go down the (potentially highly embarrassing) route of dressing up or role playing, just elaborate a few more on some particular positions or techniques you like.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/05/2013 13:55

I don't think it's comparable to porn addiction. Porn addicts tend to be quite solitary creatures who use auto-eroticism as a way to either detach from their partner or skew their perception of what is normal behaviour within the confines of an intimate relationship. You're just summoning a few sexy words into your head to heighten the pleasure. I think, if the sales of Fifty Shades etc are anything to go by, you're not alone!

cronullansw · 28/05/2013 20:06

Op, good on you girl, relax, enjoy the ride with your lovely new, patient partner, who knows, maybe one day you'll realise you are having your O because of him, not just with him.

Meanwhile...

Male - views porn to get mentally aroused, has sex with partner, climaxes by using mental imagery. MN - ''LTB''.

Female - reads erotica to get mentally aroused, has sex with partner, climaxes by recalling erotica. MN - ''this is not a problem...''

MN - your double standards are, once again, amusing.

CockyFox · 28/05/2013 20:09

I do this too, now I cast DH in the scene in my head so it is him making it happen.

MissStrawberry · 28/05/2013 20:11

What is it he doesn't put pressure on you to do?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 28/05/2013 20:23

Pornography is not the same as erotic fiction.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/05/2013 07:55

@ cronullansw.... once again you spectacularly miss the point and go straight for your usual 'MN are man-haters' misogynistic yawn-fest. Hmm The man that discretely uses porn as stimulation in order to have better sex with his partner is not necessarily an issue for some. The man that neglects his partner sexually in order to masturbate twice daily over porn sites, calling web-cams and secretly spending family money in the process .... big problem. The man that knows his partner strenuously objects to the degradation of women to produce pornographic images or that their partner believes porn use is akin to cheating and ignores their opinion... ditto

No-one is sexually exploited to produce a Jackie Collins bonk-buster. The OP is not being secretive or neglecting their partner. Neck... in... wind....

Gay40 · 29/05/2013 08:21

Sounds quite normal to me and nothing to worry about. I thought everyone drifted into fantasy scenes now and again to enhance the journey.

Vegehamwidge · 29/05/2013 15:37

It sounds like a problem if 1) you can never climax without thinking about something else, and 2) feel it's a problem. Don't you like your partner, don't you like the stimulation? Have you tried just focusing on the moment and the sensations and see what happens? Like meditation. It gives the strongest feelings imo

cronullansw · 30/05/2013 02:31

Cogito - ''The man that neglects his partner sexually in order to masturbate twice daily over porn sites, calling web-cams and secretly spending family money in the process .... big problem.''

Actually- I completely agree with this.

My post didn't state anything like support for this, or someone addicted to porn, so congratulations, you are agreeing with me :)

''The man that knows ... that their partner believes porn use is akin to cheating and ignores their opinion.. ditto''

Actually, I completely DISagree with this. Further, I don't see how casual porn use for titillation and porn addiction should be seen as the same.

Porn use is not cheating. Believing it is, is a little like believing in the tooth fairy.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 30/05/2013 07:26

Real people are involved in making porn.

Imagination is involved in creating erotic fiction.

Hope that helps.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2013 07:29

Another idea.... why not 'write' your own erotic fiction as you're doing the deed? :) Describe what's happening the way it might appear in a novel. Mentally is fun but sharing it out loud can be quite a turn on too.

Vivacia · 30/05/2013 08:29

I agree with the comment that there's a bit of a double-standard on Mumsnet. The issue of real people being exploited and damaged in the making of porn is partly a red-herring. I think people would still criticise a man who could only reach orgasm by thinking about porn.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 30/05/2013 08:44

Back to the OP...

OP, if you would like to be in the moment more then it might be worth trying other "mindfulness" things like mediatation, yoga, massage etc. Focus on your sensations but don't beat yourself up if your mind wanders.

And as others said, is there anything you can share with your DP, even if something like "ooh, I'm thinking of you and me in a four poster bed/in a tent at a festival/on a picnic blanket in a forest" or whatever scene setting works for you?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2013 09:13

" I think people would still criticise a man who could only reach orgasm by thinking about porn"

Thought police?? Hmm.... what anyone is thinking about to achieve orgasm, whether it's Page 3, Fifty Shades or next door's Labrador, is surely the one area of life that can and must remain entirely their business?

InspiredbyLife · 11/09/2014 04:39

I think that we evolve as we mature and different things 'work' at different times. If these mental images are working for you, go with it. You may find something else replaces them later.
x

Sexuality and desire are complex - and often appear at odds with 21st century women's lib ideas: don't feel shameful about it: desire is a base instinct.

Joysmum · 11/09/2014 07:18

Totally agree about the double standards. There's always so much talk about the death grip wanking of a porn user who can't get off without porn. This is the same thing thing emotionally, only difference is the industry itself and that this is a woman.

It wouldn't matter a joy to most whether it was a porn scene being imagined or imagination of an erotic book, the effect is the same. The partner, a person isn't satisfied by reality and needs something else in sex to be fulfilled which can only be a kick in the teeth for their partner if ever they knew.

Fabulassie · 11/09/2014 07:32

I have to play porn movies in my head to orgasm. I don't mean actual porn that I've watched - I just mean that I will have certain scenarios or "clips" that I will go over in my head. Surely that's normal?

WinifredTheLostDenver · 11/09/2014 07:33

Not sure why this has been bumped but the objection to porn, whether watched by men or women, is that real people have been involved in making it, putting themselves at risk of STIs and possibly other physical damage. It may be that you are watching men and women who have been coerced into porn, or that you are watching rape.

Erotic fiction carries none of these risks. Nor does, say, watching a video of yourself and your partner when both of you consented to be filmed.

If one partner feels alienated from the other during sex because he/she is "elsewhere", then that's a problem for the relationship; there's no indication that OP's partner felt like that, though she may have asked him in the intervening 15 months.

AnyFucker · 11/09/2014 07:47

I think this poster might have a book to sell ?

Meerka · 11/09/2014 08:10

think the sales have probably gone flat, the OP's post was a while ago =)

AnyFucker · 11/09/2014 17:34

Not the op, the one that bumped it. I have seen a few dead sexxxxaay threads resurrected for no reason at all. And this poster hawking one on another thread.