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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it time to call it a day on this sexless marriage?

50 replies

shaggytuna · 28/05/2013 09:11

I just feel so sad about the whole thing, both for myself and my DH. He has never had a high sex drive but in the last 6 years we have had sex twice and it doesn't bother him one bit. He has been to the doctor and it isn't physical, he is unwilling to go for counselling, basically as he doesn't feel it's an issue in his life. I on the other hand am dying inside, my self esteem is shot, I feel vile, unattractive and pointless. He is a good man otherwise and tells me he loves me and promises to try and show a bit more affection and is devistated when I tell him how it makes me feel, but it never comes to anything. I'm just scared of leaving.

OP posts:

Darkesteyes · 29/05/2013 00:26

Thanks Selba thats very kind.
I really dont know at the moment. But im hoping my confidence will build as the weight comes off
But i post on these sexless threads and threads where women post about their men doing the "pump pump squirt" and then after a couple of months/ years not wanting to bother at all because they are the first signs of going down the sexless relationship road and i would really hate for another woman to have to go through this for many years.

frustratedashell · 29/05/2013 00:49

I have been in a similar situation. I ended up leaving. I don't regret it. I've now met someone who can't keep his hands off me. As it should be. We are very happy. He's a wonderful man who treats me like a princess. I think you should leave. I am 53 and I've made a new life for myself. It can be done.

Selba · 29/05/2013 04:55

Darkesteyes, I wish you strength and joy.
And love .

HidingFromDD · 29/05/2013 07:58

I was there. 5 years sexless, think we had sex 3 times in the previous 3 years. Ended up nearly suicidal with severe depression, 4 stone overweight, cripplingly low self esteem. I left, aged 45. I'm now 3 stone lighter, much happier and, crucially, really understand that if he had loved me he would have wanted me to be happy (and no, that doesn't mean he would have had to have sex, but he would at least have considered it 'our' problem, not just mine).

I haven't found anyone special (and think I'm resigned that won't be happening), but I have had lots of very good sex

frustratedashell · 29/05/2013 10:36

Hiding, don't write yourself off! There's no reason why you shouldn't find someone else. It happened to me when I least expected it!

SueDnym · 29/05/2013 13:27

My relationship was sexless for five years owing to (his) anxiety. We got through it because he was willing to try counselling, and we worked on it together. It was a lot of hard work, and there were a lot of tears along the way, but sexlessness can be overcome, if both parties are willing to engage with the process.

He'll never have as high a sex drive as I do, but that's something we can manage.

Darkesteyes · 29/05/2013 14:06

Thankyou Selba

Buzzardbird · 31/05/2013 20:54

There should be a separate support thread for this issue

untouchable · 31/05/2013 21:52

I could really do with some support right now. He is sneering at me because I said how
I feel. I am selfish apparently. I thought it was normal after reading on here to have an emotional and physical relationship...or one of those would suit me. I have no money, can't work due to pain issues and no allowance from husband. Been like this a long time. Am about to give up.

Darkesteyes · 31/05/2013 23:37

Untouchable im so sorry. You see this time and time again when its the man who withdraws. They either sneer or laugh when you try to talk to them about it. Because women are seen as sexual OBJECTS not sexual BEINGS.. Untouchable you are welcome to pm me if you want x

Buzzard this issue is unfortunately so common i think it actually warrants its own board.

nightcat · 01/06/2013 08:27

Darkest, congratulations on losing weight :) often thinking of you :)

untouchable · 01/06/2013 08:29

Thank you so much for answering me darkest I needed someone to hear me. I have also been low carbing for the last six weeks or so...it was interesting that I noticed that you didn't say that you weighed yourself. Is that because like me you don't want another stick to beat yourself with? I think I am about a dress size down but have no idea what that is in weight. Will the loss help do you think?
apologies for thread hijack but there isn't a dedicated thread so don't know where to speak to people going through same experience.

nightcat · 01/06/2013 09:38

untouchable, I feel for you :( but please change your nn to work on your subconsciousnes....

CiderwithBuda · 01/06/2013 10:11

Another overweight, sexless low carber here!

DH is just not interested. We have had some counselling overseas which wasn't very good. We haven't had sex since 1995. And to be honest I have come to accept it. Not saying I wouldn't like it but I think at this stage I would struggle to have sex with DH as it would feel too weird.

We get on really well otherwise and have DS to consider. I almost left when DS was about two - he is 11 now and was conceived IVF. But DH adores him and is a good dad. I decided I couldnt take DS away from DH - at the time we were living overseas so me leaving DH would alsomhave meant leaving the country we were living in. So decided that I should have left years before. In fact I should never have married him, moved overseas and had DS with him. But I did. So I have stayed and on the whole am happy. Would I like things to be different? Yes. Of course. But we are where we are. DH is very good otherwise and makes me laugh. He puts DS and I first in everything where possible.

I suppose I feel that we married for better or worse and I knew what I was getting into.

Darkesteyes · 01/06/2013 15:05

Thankyou nightcat. Untouchable i havent weighed myself because i dont have scales and you are right. I dont want something else to bedepressed about. Sorry for TMI but i have a little pocket of loose skin on the bottom of my tummy which is getting bigger so i know im losing along with my skirts and nightshirts getting looser. But i still feel big and uncomfortable so am considering doing the Cambridge after my birthday which is in 2 weeks. I think im ALMOST a dress size down but i cant understand why the weight isnt coming off faster. im living on Weetabix fish and veg FFS. As for the loss helping the reason i am making myself suffer like this is because i am half hoping to find a lover after ive got the weight off. Im beginning to wonder if this situation has driven me into an eating disorder.
Cider my DH hasnt touched me since 1996 so its been a long time (apart from my affair) Untouchable i agree with nightcat. Please change your nn cos i bet you are not untouchable at all. I went to bed last night so angry on your behalf at the fact that he actually sneered at you. And he had the fucking nerve to call you selfish HE is the selfish one not you.

Unfortunately in society we have the stereotype that women dont really like sex which is bollocks. It makes it harder for us to speak out. But this IS a serious issue and not to be sneered at ,by our partners or by society.

droopytulip · 01/06/2013 15:52

Untouchable that's awful. One thing my DH has done is admit blame although still not willing to try and do anything to make it better. Darkeyes I printed the article and gave it to DH to read as it summed up this crap so well. I have asked him to read it over this week and to see if he wants to resolve it. If counselling is still not for him then I am going alone but with the intention of mending me not us.

droopytulip · 01/06/2013 15:57

Suednym it's heartening to hear a happy outcome.

Darkesteyes · 01/06/2013 21:25

droopy i know what you mean about feeling the need to feel mended. This situation has actually driven me close to the edge and nearly broken me. That sagecity article is good. I will admit some of the comments underneath it are mine. Sue droopy is right. Its good to hear of a situation that is improving.

untouchable · 02/06/2013 01:34

Hi everyone. How are you all this evening? Can anyone relate to when you go to your dreams for escapism and then you start to get turned down in your dreams? Well this is where I am now...not even my imagination fancies me.

untouchable · 02/06/2013 01:42

darkest did you actually have an affair then? I understood from your earlier post that you didn't agree with em affairs?
not judging btw, just genuinely interested in coping strategies.

Darkesteyes · 02/06/2013 01:50

Untouchable if you read what i posted on Tues 28 at 17.05 i wrote that blog post The one about Stuart and Adam. That is mine.

I never said i didnt totally agree with affairs. I think if the vow "with my body i thee worship" has been broken (and i dont mean a short while without sex after baby) but your partner turning their back on you for years AND refusing to talk about it or shrugging their shoulders and saying "i dont know" when you ask them about it AND refusing counselling then it is already broken. I had an affair after seven years of nothing. I bet many men wouldnt wait 7 years if the situation was reversed.

Darkesteyes · 02/06/2013 01:54

untouchable i have very raunchy dreams. Back in Jan i had a big one about *Adam and woke up turned on and in tears.

Going back to affairs i think its important to mention that there is not even hand holding in my marriage.

On magic music they are playing White Flag by Dido This was out while i was seeing *Adam. Makes me well up.

untouchable · 02/06/2013 08:40

oh, that is so sad, I will go back and read your thread. Ditto on the hand holding...nothing, nada, niente

nightcat · 02/06/2013 09:42

I got beyond thinking the affair in these circumstances is wrong, well, you could call it separation, open marriage etc this new thinking has restored my sanity a little and makes me feel alive again.

Darkesteyes · 06/06/2013 00:16

Another dream about ex OM early yesterday morning. Bit fragile because the 18th of this month is the tenth anniversary of when he walked into my life.

But something nice happened today I walked into Boots and saw an assistant i hadnt seen for months and she asked me if id lost weight. I told her i had been dieting since mid April and i thought it might be a stone or under.
She hasnt seen me since Christmas and she insisted that it looks like ive lost over a stone. Felt a bit more upbeat after that.
On Monday i also noticed a bit of loose skin on the inside of my thighs as well as the bottom of my tummy so im getting there.

I wish i didnt keep getting shooting sharp pains in my tummy and back though.
Hope you are all ok. I know with this kind of unhappiness that it sometimes comes in waves. Some days are better than others.

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