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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to think that if messages were so innocent, they wouldn't be deleted?

21 replies

blinkybell · 27/05/2013 23:12

As per the title really.

I've caught him out exchanging questionable messages before so my radar has been pinged.

DH has recently acquired Whatsapp, I also have Whatsapp and what he hasn't seem to have noticed is that whenever you open the app it shows that you are online and then leaves a time stamp as to when you were last online.

He decided to have an early night as he's tired, but is online right now, every time I've left the room, or he's left the room/out/whatever, he's showing as online/left a time stamp to say he had been online.

I've seen a few questionable messages on FB that have now been cleared

I'm pretty sure that nothing physical is happening but I don't want to go down this road again

I'm certain that if I ask him to show me his phone, there'll be nothing on there, but to be honest, whether there's anything on there or not just tells me he's got better at remembering to delete his history.

My phone and FB are full of messages that I don't keep deleting, and I think if he deletes them, it means he knows they'll upset me if I see them, and clearly he doesn't give a shit because he's sending them anyway.

I don't want to do this again

OP posts:

HabbaDabba · 27/05/2013 23:27

If your DH was having a private conversation then I highly doubt that he would be having it on fb so I think that the deleted messages are a red herring.

As for whatsapping when he is supposed to be tired, I'm whatsapping in bed right now while DP is downstairs on the PC. Some people read b4 bed. I send messages/emails, check fb and of course MNet.

It irritates DP if we are together and I'm on my phone so whenever DP leaves the room to make a cup of tea for example I quickly check fb/whatsapp/email.

I am not saying that you don't have cause to be suspicious. Instead I am merely saying that my (innocent) behavior isn't that dissimilar to your DH's

Original poster

blinkybell · 27/05/2013 23:34

The FB messages were private, they'd started getting a bit flirty, then vanished. He'd left his FB logged in on the PC and he was messaging from his phone so they kept popping up on the screen.

My radar has just been pinged a bit, he's behaving like he has done in the past if you see what I mean

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 27/05/2013 23:54

If your DH was having a private conversation then I highly doubt that he would be having it on fb so I think that the deleted messages are a red herring.

I caught my husband out via his messages on FB, so not unlikely at all.

Blinky Listen to your instinct. It was my instinct that told me something was going on again with my husband, because it had happened before. I was right. YOu dont need proof, you already know that he is lying to you because of his early night story followed by the messages you have seen. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

As you say, he will deny it and there will be no evidence, so you need to work on what you KNOW to be true. That he is a liar and is having inappropriate conversations with someone else. It rarely stops at just that, but he will never admit anything that you dont already know about.

I gave my husband a chance after his first trangression, but the second was the deal breaker. He had his chance, he blew it.

A1980 · 28/05/2013 00:05

I don't know if I should say this but I am still in touch with an ex colleague at work. The kind of in touch where you never see eqchother and never will again probably. We just have text conversations occasionally. He is married with two children. There is NOTHING in it. Our text conversations involve moaning about work, life in general and in my case, my ex. There was nothing between us at work and nothing now. text conversations happened every couple of months or longer between.

Weirdly he said one day please don't text in the evening or weekends, I don't want my wife knowing we're in contact, she gets jealous easily.....

That worried me and I.stopped initiating any texting. If he texts me I'll reply but I.don't keep it going long.

I know nothing about his marriage, if they've had any problems etc. All I know is I'm having nothing to do with him since that comment.

Some times there really is nothing in it.

Also when I was with my bf we both considered it rude to text in front of.each other. So I often came out the shower to find him texting and.vice versa. Both put it away immediately upon the other coming back.

BOF · 28/05/2013 00:09

It's not very instinctive to delete whatsapp messages. It's a red flag to me.

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 00:48

A1980 sounds to me like his wife had reason to be jealous, you did the right thing stepping back as he doesnt sound on the level to me. I bet he has other, not so innocent, text conversations going on.

A1980 · 28/05/2013 00:51

Thats what I thought bogeyface. It was a weird thing to say. I'm having nothing to do with it.

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 01:25

Good call. If there is genuinely nothing in it, then why say anything? Good thing about MN, I can now smell a red flag at 500 yards!

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 01:28

Actually, you have made me realise something. My STBX had lots of innocent conversations with exes, colleagues, old friends etc on FB, text etc. A couple of those turned into affairs. I have only just cottoned onto the fact that rather than it "just happening" as a result of the keeping in touch, as he claims, he was probably keeping in touch in case something did happen.

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 01:28

Maybe my flag radar ain't that good after all!

A1980 · 28/05/2013 01:29

Bogeyface when I was with my bf I didn't feel the need to tell any of my male friends not to text incase my bf dint like it. That's because they were just that: friends. Nothing noteworthy nothing going on.

skyeskyeskye · 28/05/2013 01:31

My XH was flirting with OW on Facebook, email and text. All texts were deleted so I couldn't read them apart from one telling XH how sweet he was. A Facebook led me to check his phone bill which showed thousands of texts a month to OW.

I checked all if this after he walked out with no warning announcing that he no longer loved me.

Some people have given you examples of how it can be innocent, this is an example of how it wasn't...

A1980 · 28/05/2013 01:33

That's a good point Bogeyface. The exes he stayed in touch with: who dumped.who?

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 01:45

He doesnt do dumping. Lots of issues that come back to his abandonment by his mother and his father passing away. He has finished with women, but only when things have got so bad that he hates their guts and he doesnt keep in touch with them. Usually they dump him or it falls apart.

A1980 · 28/05/2013 01:56

But he still stayed in touch with exes he semi dumped just in case?

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 01:59

Bingo....

A1980 · 28/05/2013 02:04

Wow. Did he get back with any of them?

Bogeyface · 28/05/2013 02:27

Well 2 that I know of since we got married. I call him an emotional hoarder. Like the old lady who keeps old bits of string, he hangs on to exes in case they come in useful later.

A1980 · 28/05/2013 03:04

Wow. What a horrible thing to do Bogeyface :(

AdamDav · 30/12/2018 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 30/12/2018 15:55

Reported

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