Depressed husband (long sorry)

[PinkHairbrush]

I?m really at my wit?s end and I?m not sure what to do. I?m looking for any advice really, on how to improve our relationship or whether this is as good as its going to get.

DH and I have been married for 7 years, he has been depressed pretty much the entire length of our marriage ? the early years were spent convincing him to go to the doctors, then his family to support him? we have periods of stability and of crisis ? a crisis around the time our DD was born leading to his demotion at work, prolonged time off, his going missing and me calling the police out, and finally resigning his job. A few months into his dream MSc course he has had to defer, and since Jan has pretty much been lying in bed all day and playing computer games late into the night.

Our relationship has been growing more problematic. Since he hit rock bottom - a year and a half ? things have been going from bad to worse. I bear the brunt of his anger and disappointment.

I know that I am frequently angry, bitter and officious - and (according to DH) say very cruel things and don't care for him. I?m worried that actually I am the one with the problem: that because of his depression I expect too much from him, that I shouldn?t be putting pressure on him at all. I am also worrying that my anger and my slowness to get full-time paid work are really the main issues causing the problems in our marriage.

Tonight I got cross with him because he couldn?t tell me what he wanted to do with the evening ? spend it with me, help out with some jobs, do some of his freelance work, etc. He said that he can?t take this much more, that our relationship is too dysfunctional to work. I ask him what he wants, he says he doesn?t know.

I had PND and am naturally a shy, retiring type (writing this has taken a lot of courage) and struggle to keep on top of the housework, work, bring up DD, have a good relationship with DH, and generally find balance. DH couldn?t cope with the PND, told me it wasn?t proper depression, and said the other night that he didn?t think that being in a relationship meant dealing with the other persons? issues and neediness.

I?m really struggling to know what to do here to make things better. I don?t want to continue in this way. So far I?ve suggested marriage guidance but he doesn?t want it. He is on the waiting list (yet again) for psychotherapy. I try ways to help him in his depression, like encouraging him in little things and giving him small jobs to do, but he says that is nagging and bullying. I?ve tried talking but we just go round in circles. I know I get angry, and he says that I make everything his problem and his responsibility, but I know I don't. Sometimes I think of walking away, but I would rather work on things and try to help DH get well.

I agree that it is difficult to sort out which is which.
And the person with depression doesnt get carte blance.
And ideally they both need to inform themselves properly abou tit.
And the perosn with depression of course needs to be under the GP.

But for example, the example the op gave of she got cross because her husband didnt know what he wants to do with his time in the evening, may well have and probably did have everything to do with his depression.

True, 7 years of it is not running for the hills.

My answer to her is to read up a lot about it, and try and sort out which is depression, and which is his character that he can choose to help change, or choose to dig his heels in.
And discuss the situation together. Maybe several discussions.

Why would he want to discuss anything? OK he has depression but he seems to have a pretty cushy thing otherwise, being centre of attention with the family tiptoeing around him, persuading him to seek therapy, flogging themselves to death earning money, caring for kids and paying bills while he keeps himself busy playing games and languishing in bed....

If he wanted to change, he'd have done something.

if only it was that easy likeabreeze. IMO its time for OP to look after her and her DCs mental health - more important than her DH is the damage inflicted on the Dd & OP due to his behaviour.

Depression may be the reason for his behaviour but should never be an excuse for it

The fact is that extremely manipulative people are just as vulnerable to depression as anyone else. So the manipulative, selfish, lazy and entitled depressive person tends to follow a recognised pattern of behaviour. He won't get treatment, uses the depression as a get-out-of-jail free card for all manner of atrocious behaviour, such as violence, infidelity, emotional abuse, addictions, failure to earn money, lying - and the list goes on.

Women are constantly pressurised to be sympathetic and caring towards people who are ill and to keep families together no matter what. But after 7 years of this behaviour from a man who won't help himself, probably because he's got so much invested in his self-diagnosis, is long enough for anyone.

And that is why she needs to read up about it, and try and sort out which behaviour is which.

Wow ? so many responses! Thanks everyone for taking the time to talk to me.

Robyn2 and all those who talked about the future: Sometimes I feel like I?m split in two ? making the ?ideal? plans for if DH wants to get better, if he chooses to be part of our family etc. Then making the ?contingency? plan for the moment when I decide that enough is enough. To be honest the contingency plan would be happier for me (and possibly for DD), but much messier and cause DH so much unhappiness.

I do think actually he might be better without me and DD around all the time. If he really can?t cope with us and with living as a family (rather than all living in one house doing ?shifts?) it may be better for him whilst he recovers, or even permanently. But money is an issue ? we can?t afford two households - and whilst DD and I could stay with my parents our community is here. We have built up a good network of friends and I?ve done everything I can to give DD a happy and busy life outside of the home. My DH will not consider leaving the family home.

But the problem with saying LTB and doing it is that he really is poorly and it doesn?t seem fair to him. Apart from the laziness etc. he actually cannot cope with problems which we all could (I?m trying to think of an example here?but generally the classic depression/ anxiety trait of worrying about an issue rather than doing anything about it to the point where the worry is all-consuming).

DH has no ability to commit to anything, but I?m not sure whether that is his personality or the depression. Quietlysuggest ? your list is great, but if I showed it to DH he would either crumble under the attempt to do it all OR (more likely) say that I am nagging and get angry. Its like any form of responsibility at all is too much for him ? and it is v difficult to untangle whether that is the illness or him.

We had a breakthrough this weekend when he looked after DD by himself for 48 hours, for the first time ever! They had a great time together and he managed some house jobs too. So he can do it, but he hasn?t done much since Sunday night when I got back.

Ilikethebreeze ? I have read a lot, I have marched him to doctors? appointments, badgered psychiatrists, and have talked to my local carers? centre. Ironically I also have a qualification in psychology.

Currently we are stuck in the NHS system of ?oh you aren?t suicidal go on a waiting list for CBT?- have CBT ? then get kicked off into the wilderness until the next crisis point. So he has a few sessions of CBT coming up and then that?s it. I think this is his fourth round of CBT. A doctor friend suggested that the treatment he actually needs is a year?s worth of psychotherapy rather than CBT, to focus on untangling the past rather than giving him strategies to cope in the present. His parents have offered to pay for this but he so far has not taken them up.

Re my DD: she has grown up with this all her life and she is now in pre-school and knows that Daddy is poorly. Given her home life she is remarkably normal ? well, normal for a 3 year old! Whilst DH hides away he has very occasionally let things slip. Recently on our way to a family party we had a childish argument which led to him telling me to stop the car at the next services so he could go home, and when I did so he left without saying goodbye and wondered off. The ?where?s daddy? was heartbreaking. As was when he kept changing his mind beforehand about whether to go with us or not which she just couldn?t understand. I did tell him that neither were appropriate in front of DD and if he acted in a similar way again we would leave him until he?d sorted himself out.

OP, you really need to think what is fair to you too. You get one life. Really that is it. Your children get one childhood. No one is responsible for another adults happiness, just their own. 7 years deserves a medal. More than that us being a martyr, unless you change things. I am being very careful not to say LTB. But do make changes.

There are posters out there who have similar experiences as you and have tried everything to help their depressed OHs. But at some point enough is enough. There is no point becoming so focused on another adults needs and behaviours, that you end up losing yourself.

Women are constantly pressurised to be sympathetic and caring towards people who are ill and to keep families together no matter what. But after 7 years of this behaviour from a man who won't help himself, probably because he's got so much invested in his self-diagnosis, is long enough for anyone. I agree with this.

So he can get up and function if he has to, but with you around doing all the work he can just play his trump card and do nothing at all

I have dealt with depression and I think that your DH is doing a number of things that really arent helping him at all.

Firstly, he needs to get off the games consule. Lack of sleep, or poor sleep pattern, is a major contributer to depression and he needs to get into a sleep pattern which will help and then get himself up in the morning. Is he on medication? That can really help, both with the symptoms and the sleep patterns. Exercise also has a big positive effect and he also clearly needs to engage in therapy.

If he isnt prepared to engage to help himself, then you might consider whether you and your DD might be better off without him - sorry

psycotherapy - has he had any yet?

This post is scarily similar to what I am going through at the moment. My husband (of 3 years, been together 9), has been suffering with depression for at least 3 years now. I finally got him seeking help 2 and half years ago....since then he lost his job, last February, and gas not been doing anything since. He's on a concoction of drugs, which its changed every so often, and we're now both seeing (and him alone) a psychiatric nurse.

Most of the time its unbearable to live with....I have almost lost my patience with it all totally now, and he always thinks I'm being unreasonable. We have 2 ds's and a bump on the way (which was totally unplanned, but I couldn't go through with an abortion), we're just about to lose our house and I'm still working 30 hrs per week, at least.

At the moment I'm trying to figure out whether, when we do lose the house, if I should go it alone with the kids as it doesn't seem to get any better.

He's in bed all day at times, even when he has our ds's and I'm at work and have come back in the evening to find they hadn't even had a change out of pjs! I do totally lose my rag with him and I feel guilty for doing so, as at the end of the day, this us a very serious mental illness.....do we drop them when they need us the most? I have been torn for yrs, and am at a loss like yourself.

Also, it makes me quite mad that people on here are saying things like, he needs to exercise, get off the computer at night, and they HAVE to do certain things, otherwise they simply aren't trying?! Its bloody hard work being in this situation, and don't you think we have thought a million times that if we simply up and left that our lives would be easier? But this isn't some flippant bout of feeling a bit down....its a very serious illness, that, because there are no necessarily 'obvious physical effects' like other diseases, we treat it as if they can just tell themselves to'get on with it'.

As simple as that would make it, and as done people can do before they reach such a point where they actually can't.....it just doesn't work like that. Otherwise, it just wouldn't be a serious mental problem.

I wish I was strong enough to just up and leave at times, but, in my eyes I can't abandon the man I love, and the father of my children. Because, for those who have never lived with someone with a case such as this, they will never see the hurt and pain it is also giving the sufferer that it is actually (for a period of time), BEYOND their control physically and mentally to do anything about it.

So this may make me weak, on some peoples eyes, and syndromes even my own.....but for the time being, I don't Knorr what else to do, as I'm stick between a rock and a hard place.

I am wondering if there are support groups for this,
I have seen this several times on the MH forum and on realtionships.
This sort of thing must be happening up and down the country.

I am not sure that there isnt currently a MH support group.
I will go and have a look.

Just had a brief look.
Cant find it for now. Will have a better look later.

Found this thread, which may have some useful info on it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/a1585711-Struggling-with-DHs-depression