Husband left me with two babies

[lynnie2coco]

I am 36 years old and have been with my husband for 14 years although we only married 4 years ago.

He wanted children and I got pregnant with my first child very quickly. After that I got accidently got caught pregnant when my first was 4 months old. So I had 2 babies within 13 months. As you can imagine I was very tired and breast feeding the second took a lot out of me.

My husband and I have been bickering since the second baby was born and looking back I can see he was purposely starting arguments with me. My children are now 1 and 2 years old.

Eight weeks ago I found out he has been having an affair with a woman at work and it all started when my second child was 3 months old.

He said that it hasn't been physical but he has strong feelings for this woman and has to follow his heart. He took all of his belongings and moved out.

Since then he has been coming twice a week to visit the babies and just wants to constantly talk about finances.

I have asked him about the other woman and he is so cold to me and said so what im with her and we are taking things slowly.

I just dont understand how he can do this to me. He has been an amazing partner for years and since we had the babies everything has changed. I feel in despair. Tonight the babies have gone to bed and Im on my second bottle of wine. I cant handle this.

I have lots and lots of friends who I talk this out with over and over on a daily basis but I still cant get my head around whats happened.

He says he has fallen out of love with me but I think he just cant handle the mondane life of being a parent to two very young babies.

I desperately want him back but know he isnt good for me anymore.

I feel very alone at night when all my friends are with their partners/husbands....... Will I ever get over this????

I know its hard when you get left like this. I've been there and it is shit. But, you need to stop drinking, now. You are alone in charge of your children, you need to besober.
You're well rid of him, he sounds like a selfish wanker.

Thank you definatelmaybe, I havent been drinking at all since it happened but tonight I just feel out of control.
I know he is selfish I just dont understand how this has happened. I really cant make sense of it all x

Stop the access to your home, he can see them on neutral territory or in his house. But your home needs to be your sanctuary now.

And get legal advice on the finances so you can start divorce proceedings. Don't allow him to initiate any more financial conversations, he doesn't get to determine how that pans out.

Really? I go back to work in a few week and he is talking about dropping my money so that he can afford his own place. The house I live in is rented from my employer. I was told not to divorce him yet as it would be better to make things difficult for him.

I dont think he has to pay me as much as he is at the moment by law. I think CSA is only 20% of their wage.

Does he have financial responsibility for my rent etc?

Get legal advice ASAP.

Hi lynnie,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be very raw still, and a massive shock after 14 years. I can understand why you want him back, but it's so much better for your own preservation that you realise he is no good for you. He isn't who he should have been.

My H did the same during my 2nd pregnancy. We 'reconciled' before the birth, but it was hell. I was severely depressed, trying to process how he could betray me.

I got pregnant again accidently, after finding out the affair was starting again (drunk, desperate sex, pill missed). It was horrendous. I should have never, ever gone back. He left me again, found another woman.

Don't make the mistake I did. I know how exhausting it is as a lone parent to multiple toddlers. It is even more exhausting trying to 'win' back a man who betrayed you so callously.

Be secure in the knowledge that you are safe from his lies now. The OW has nothing of value, and even she won't seem so special when she becomes 'mundane'.

Wine is great, but too much will act as a depressant. Don't let it. You have enough to cope with. Im five months post separation, and it gets easier. Keep him out of the house, he has no right to be there. Is there anywhere else he can see your DCs?

You need to see a solicitor and a visit to CAB won't go amiss.

I have no idea what your wages are but you might be entitled to tax credits and working tax credits. You may even be entitled to housing benefit and a 25% discount on your council tax. Get the ball rolling tomorrow.

Remember this man is not your friend. I'm really sorry that you are going through this - you did not deserve any of this. Xx

FennCara thank you for messaging, oh that sounds like youve had an awful time. I know your right I need to concentrate on me and the babies but instead all my efforts are spent on where he is what hes doing and who he is doing it with. Even though I know these things I cant stop my mind from constantly wondering there. I have looked into my bupa cover with work and I am covered for counseling which I intend to start soon.

I feel so sad that my babies are so young and at such a precious time of their lives I am miserable. Ill never get this time back with them and they will be grown so quickly I need to sort myself out so I dont miss out on them.

TheCrackFox I know your right he isnt my friend and thats going to take a very long time for me to get used to. I have just googled the tax credit telephone number and will call them tomorrow. Good idea about cab I will definitely be visiting them soon. Thank you x

He is demanding a lot from me in regards to access. He wants them over night. They are just babies and they have never spent a night away from me so this seems really unreasonable to me???

Also I have told him that I am going to visit familyand go away for a couple of weeks as I really need time away to sort my head out. He thinks Im being unreasonable and he has rights to see them.

It really narks me off as he was never this interested in them when he lived here. Now all of a sudden he is father of the year. I know its not right to use the babies as weapons against him but I really want to hurt him like he has hurt me and also I dont want to be away from my babies.
How do I strike the right balance?

Hello sorry to hear what has happened. You will get more advice on dealing with this if you post on the relationships board. So many people are in your position so there will be lots of help. Hugs.

I have been in your position. It takes time for you to get used to the idea of having time away from your babies, mine will be going overnight for the first time this coming weekend (the youngest wasn't born when he left, and is now 10months). You do need legal advice, and the support of a good family solicitor. I have had a solicitor for the past 16 months and I'm still not divorcing him, I am just about ready to begin that process now.

Boundaries are your friend at the moment, your home is your space. If he doesn't like it be clear with him, the rights and privileges of your relationship ended when he began a new one. He has a home, it's not with you. His children have a right to see him he does not have a right to come into your home. If he wishes to keep up regular contact it's up to him to suggest an appropriate venue, that you can both agree on, and keep to the times you make the DC available. Part of parenting them is figuring out a way that you can both be involved properly without it being at the cost of their routine, stability and security.

It won't just fall into place given how your relationship ended, because it's not an amicable separation. Don't despair - it does get better, truly it does. In the interim period, legal advice is necessary for you both to understand just what the future holds.

Lynnie, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I was in a similar position and I know how painful it is. My exH had an affair when I was 5 months pregnant with our second son. First DS was 11 months old. So they are about 16 months apart. It was an awful time. I kicked him out and since then he's taken hardly any interest in DS. In a way I felt lucky that they were so young and didn't really know they'd been abandoned by him. 2 years later I met Dh who has brought them up as his own. He's the only dad they've ever known.

This happened 8 years ago. You will get through this. Just concentrate on getting through one day at a time, on looking after yourself and the babies. Some legal advice would be helpful just so you know where you stand. Also ask mnhq to move this to relationships topic. They will give you so much advice and insight into his behaviour. I wish I'd had them 8 years ago.

Give it time, get support from friends and family and Pls stop engaging with your dickhead ex. If he wanted contact on his terms he should've stayed put

oh hunni massive virtual hugs to you.. stay as strong as poss for your babies, theyll get you through xx

Thank you everyone. I am currently hiding at my parents house as I can't face him.
How do I move this thread to the relationship topic as advised?

If you click the report button (above the post on the right) you can ask MNHQ to move it for you.

Sorry to hear about what you are going through.