Help, strong silent type

[shandybass]

Does anyone else have a strong but silent partner? I need help to know how to cope, it's doing my head in and I am the one who ends up losing it.
I've tried talking, it's one sided. I've suggested counselling, he won't hear of it. I've threatened to leave, kick him out. We just argue over the same things all the time, his lack of communication and me losing it. Any suggestions welcome.

Why is the silence a problem for you?
Are there issues in your marriage that need to be sorted, or are his silences actually sulks?

If it's simply a matter of discussing a subject that may be sensitive you can try and talk to him while doing something else, such as washing up, but often looking in the same direction rather than to each other.

If it's sulking or there are serious matters, then you might be better off actually leaving him.

My suggestion is that you're with the wrong partner. Assuming this is how he's always been and that there hasn't been some radical shift in behaviour, realistically you're unlikely to change someone from being taciturn to a gushing chatterbox. You're therefore incompatible and, rather than threatening to leave, it sounds like you should probably just get on and do it.

Great. Thanks for the responses, but I was actually after some constructive advice. I'm not looking to leave my partner. I want it to work. No it's not one sensitive issue, lewjimore a need for a bit more chat, feedback, discussion.

I actually thought that Cogito gave you some constructive advice although it may not have been advice you welcomed. If you're not looking to leave him, why did you threaten it or threaten to kick him out ? If you're basically not right for each other you're not going to make it work.

You can't force someone else to talk, really.
All you can do is provide an easy atmosphere to chat. From my experience, even shy people open up when they feel comfortable and supported.
Some of what I suggested is relevant. He may not want to talk if he feels on the spot, but some activities may be conducive to let him open up.

Having said this, what happens?
Does he withdraw into his computer or to another room?
Does he just doesn't answer your questions?
Does he not comment or acknowledge what you said?
Are his answers quite short?

Why does it bother you so much?
Do you have a social life or work? Or are you a SAHM?
What kind of job does he have?

Is he talkative to other people?

I think we all need a lot more info before actually giving any proper constructive advice.

You sound wise,please read my post ..it's called s this love

Where do I find your post katie?
Yes he is fairly talkative to others and I don't mind silences, but when I talk I would like to have some response or acknowledgement. I can get by with friendsOce diolch! etc for chats, but not getting any responses causes the same argument. If I bring it up and try and explain, dp clamps completely and that causes the argument to escalate and I do sometimes end up threatening to leave. Not because I want to but out of frustration that I want a reaction.
I then get a 'I'm not going to talk to you until you calm down' and were back to square one, because of course we don't and things just drift on.
I know I could leave and find another partner, but I don't want to and I believe that you should work on a partnership.

Sorry you didn't find my comments constructive but, if you are determined to stay together with someone you don't seem to get on with, there are only two outcomes possible here ie. either he changes or you do

If you've already unsuccessfully tried talking, counselling and threats the logical conclusion is that your partner either doesn't think there's a problem or doesn't think he should change. So there's no point keep knocking on that door because nothing's going to happen, he's not going to change behaviour and it's a big non-starter.

In order to 'cope' therefore you'd have to change yourself... change your response. At it's simplest level you could simply 'pick your battles', chill out and step away from the trivia that causes arguments. If that doesn't work it might mean distancing yourself emotionally, stopping caring what he says or doesn't say and having a more semi-detached relationship where you don't bump up against each other very often. You might choose to stop engaging in arguments all together, swallow your opinion, resign yourself to the silence and simply accept that he is who he is and his way is the right way. The 'surrendered wife' model, if you will. But that opens the door to being controlled and it would be a pretty passive, non-assertive solution that wouldn't necessarily make you any happier.

HTH

" I believe that you should work on a partnership."

Does he believe the same thing? If not, why not?

I don't think we can possibly advise you properly without looking into the dynamics of you as a couple. And that would mean see you two interact.
So, I think you have got good advice so far

I'd recommend that you look into transactional analysis.
Google, read a book, even attend counselling sessions.

It's very easy for us to assume certain roles, which elicit always the same response.
You may be able to change your own behaviour to achieve better communication. It is possible, because other people react to us.
It may just take a little change in how you act towards your partner. And it may help you with any other difficult relationships.

You could approach him, sit side by side with him, agree that you have communication problems and can you both work towards it. Don't simply say it's his problem. See how he reacts.
You could both read the book and try to engage at an adult level.

If if you are aware of the dynamics, engage at an adult level and you still hit brick walls, then leave.

Can you give us a typical example of what you'd want to talk about, how he reacts and what you're both doing when you initiate the conversation?

I agree with the earlier advice about not talking facing each other. We talk best in the car or when walking or working on something (e.g. DIY) which means we're both facing outwards.

My ex didn't talk whereas I like talking I want to talk. Got to the point I realized neither of us could/would change and I didn't want to be with someone I couldn't discuss difficult stuff with. It became impossible because life throws shit at us all, and I didn't want to feel anxious trying to raise the difficult issues. So I ended it amicably as really it was noones fault, we were just too different in a key area. Hope you can work through it but you both need to think there's a problem

Ok thanks both for your responses. Yes cogito I have tried to suggest that dp needs to care a bit more and his response was that its my problem to control myself and not get in a tizz. So yes both you're responses are helpful. I suppose I started off thinking I was posting a jovial frustration expecting others with similar frustrations, but I've elicited a more serious response. It is helpful but also makes me a bit sad. Most people think dp is perfect husband material as does he, so it's frustrating that in real life it's difficult for anyone to understand my frustrations. But I understand and have concluded that if he won't engage in discussion about my frustrations then only I can change to make things better. I'll try the book and hope its not just a case of being the Surrendered wife.

"only I can change to make things better."

Be careful with this thinking. You can only change yourself, your response and your approach. It doesn't follow that this makes things 'better'. There are always compromises in relationships but, if the compromise is too great and you have to artificially adjust away from your natural personality in order to keep things on an even keel, then that sets up a source of friction that can lead to resentment, bitterness, unhappiness and it can even make you ill.

In a good relationship you should be compatible with each other without too much effort. It should come naturally If you're having to read books and suppress important facets of your character in order to be with this person, then that sounds like a lot of effort.

How long have you been married?

Can I introduce the 'c' word?

It does sound like you're being controlled to some extent. He won't talk about the things that matter to you, won't communicate with you in a way that gives you comfort.

You're looking for ways you can modify your behaviour or response so you can 'cope' with being unheard.

From having been there myself and lurked round mn, it won't be long until you're 'treading on eggshells'.

Sorry, I take on board the comments you've made about the lighthearted nature of your op but it could be a case of 'many a true word spoken in jest'.

Stonewalling is a form of abuse. It is a form of control and is absolutely not healthy. Has he always been like this? I'm not surprised you're unhappy. Unfortunately, I don't really have any suggestions apart from to leave. You can't make him do anything if he doesn't want to.

Have you been for counselling on your own?

Making threats is counter productive if you aren't prepared to follow then through. All he's learned from your threats is that you'll make a lot of noise and then things will return to 'normal'.

What is it about this man that's so great that you are willing to change your personality and subsume your very normal desires out of life?

Why are you willing to go to such lengths when he is not willing to change one bit?

You can want things to work all you want, that doesn't mean there is some magic solution that will make it happen. Some things will just never work.

You could always go to counseling on your own, this might give you some ideas for coping, or even better explore why you are determined to stay with someone who you are so incompatible with.

I have been where you are, in these frustrating relationships, and honestly I think it's just torturing yourself. I'm with a lovely man now and it has never been work, and now I look back and curse myself for wasting all that time on relationships that were never going to work.

It sounds like you are incompatible in the way you relate to each other.

Something about the way you communicate rightly or wrongly makes him clam up.

I have been in a relationship whereby my partner wanted me to reveal details of my personal life I was not ready to share. But the more pressure he put on me, the more I just refused to participate. I just shut down and blocked out. I am not sure why but for me then, it was a trust issue. However, I am assuming from your previous posts it is just day-to-day communications and not sensitive topics you are discussing.

My current dh does not feel the need to 'pry'. It does not intrude on my personal (head)space and this is far more in line with the way I communicate. I share personal information when I am ready. The strange thing is that my dh is more the extrovert and chatty when with other people. But at home, I tend to initiate more conversations and am more talkative.

I think the way we behave can be different in public and in private.

I don't agree that we have to change as such, or subdue ourselves, but it may be worth looking at changing our patterns of engagement.

That's why I found reading about transactional analysis useful (not a lot into it, or done counselling or anything), but it has helped me be more conscious of the role I assume ("child", "parent" or "adult").

It may help in bringing your relationship to an adult-adult state, if it's not the case at the moment.

In any case, it is a bit worrying that he thinks he's the perfect partner. We should never think like that, and it makes me wonder if he would really be willing to change.

I had a partner like this. We really loved each other but our communication styles were so different. I think being withdrawn frustrated him but he found it impossible to change.

The difference is he was similarly reticent with others too - more so. The fact that your DH is more talkative with others makes me feel that he isn't approaching your relationship with enough respect.

I left my silent DP eventually. He couldn't change, and I didn't want to (response and conversation are such a big part of a loving relationship - for me).

Painful. But I am now very happy with my chatty, effusive DH sometimes he won't shut up

It's difficult. Unless your partner agrees he needs to change, or you abandon your own needs, then you are blocked.

Thank you for your replies. I've not been back for a few days as frankly I was rattled. Some of your responses were very close to what I feel and it shook me that things could seem that bad. I've been married for 9 years and have 3 children and don't want as I said to throw it all away. But it's true, he doesn't care so much, he can be controlling and for the most part I am happy to go along with it and yes he doesn't believe my threats as I end up apologising for them and he very much has the upper hand being the one that doesn't 'lose it'.
That said we can get on ok but say I would say 'I'm really tired today' I would get no reaction, no comment. I would then carry on with the chores, if I ask him to help and do something he will, but there's still no acknowledgement or discussion of my feelings or my day for example. If he then huffs and puffs I could then 'lose it' and start shouting.
Another example with his Mum is that he would always do her gardening, until his Mum starts paying someone else to do it. His reaction is nothing although he says to me he is miffed. I ask why he doesn't discuss it with his Mum, he says, there's no point, she's made her decision. I just don't get this response?!
Anyway thanks for your responses. I wonder is my relationship state normal after all?!