The humiliation

[DesertDilemma]

In the context of all thats going on now (separating and family breaking up to live in separate countries), this is a fairly shallow post - but man, I'm finding the humiliation of my H's infidelity hard to deal with. I believed our love was strong and true and we always quietly congratulated ourselves on having a relationship which was way above average. It's not a contest, but to know that the one you're spending your life with thinks you're fabulous and that you have huge fun in normal everyday life - that's quite something.

Above our piano is a picture I had made for our wedding anniversary this year. It is beautiful - one black and white photo for every year of our marriage, something significant which happened during that year. Our three children feature in the years they were born. A symbol of how much I love him and our life together (in spite of problems which I though we were coping with - secure in the knowledge that he would always be loyal to me). Now it mocks me. When we move I will leave it behind.

Another example is that during the couple of weeks where I was probing for the truth, I asked one of my SILs to tell me anything she knew at all that cast doubts on my H's truthfulness to me. That was a devastating conversation. It was the first time I realised that there have been other things earlier in our lives together which I missed. Not nice to have someone tell you that she almost phoned on the morning of your wedding to tell you not to marry him (that was a bit dramatic on her part, not helpful 10 years later either). More fool me, for asking.

So, anyone else got stories of humiliation to share? In time, I hope to smile about my wounded pride.

The whole thing is bloody embarrassing isn't it, for us more than them I think. It'll be tomorrow's chip paper soon enough for the rest of the world but we'll reel from the whole experience for a while - hopefully not too long though.
We were going to renew our vows this year and get some nice photos of the kids - luckily we couldn't afford to book anything - I have bought everyone new outfits though that sit in the wardrobe reminding me of what we are not doing any more :-(

I understand up to a point, but you should ask yourself why humiliation seems to be your stronger feeling about this.

Why not sadness, disappointment or even anger?

You should hold your head up high, as you were faithful and did your best.

I think I'd wrap the photo work and keep it for the children. They will like to see you two together and that they were born out of love.

If there were signs earlier on, then rather than feel humiliated, you should use your new awareness to make yourself stronger and avoid the same pitfalls next time.

Everyone goes into marriage full of trust, if you dont you should question why. Trusting the one person youre supposed to trust above all others is not something you should feel humiliated by.

I have has to leave my husband, DV not infidelity, but I can't honestly say I feel humiliated by my narriage not turning out to be all it seemed. That's a strange reaction tbh.

I think you should have some counselling if you haven't already - sounds like a massive amount of your self worth was derived from the perception of others that you had a "perfect" marriage. Not healthy really.

I do really sympathise, I don't mean to sound unfeeling.

You have nothing to feel humiliated about. To be able to love wholly is something a lot of people can only dream of. It's not something to be ashamed of.

Sad, upset, disappointed. Those are the emotions you need to examine and in time these will fade. Things will be ok.

I did very similarly to you and made my now ex dh a lovely memorial photo of all the things we held specially between us and when he left I smashed it. It was broken like everything else. I was so angry with him. I put everything into my marriage, as you obviously have too.

But it gets better. I promise.

I'm now remarried and have another dc.

I view my STBXH's infidelity and getting engaged to the OW three months after leaving me and DS as his humiliation, not mine.

The shame is his for how he treated you and your DC.

It sounds more like disillusionment actually, that you are feeling..... That you felt safe in your marriage, but in reality were not. So sorry x

I've heard others - in the media, admittedly - say they felt 'humiliated' when their husband chucked them for an affair. and I must be honest, I pondered that word, not being able to relate to it at all.

However, we're all different and, yes, humiliation can come into such a rotten scenario, certainly.

I'm sorry you've had your love and hopes completely shattered. YOur SILs unflinching account will stand you in good stead as you negotiate the grief of the end of what you thought was a true marriage. I was very grateful for people who didn't hold back and told it like it was - though at the time I winced and thought they were far too OTT. They were totally accurate, it turned out. I always think the truth is a blessing, even if it hurts at the time. xx

The time I felt most humiliated was the brief period that I took my ex-H back. Went through the whole 'hysterical bonding' process as though it was some kind of contest and, for those few weeks, I realised instantly that I'd made a massive mistake. There I was flinging myself at this man that had betrayed me, insulted me and abused my trust.... and I hated myself. I've had quite a few wounded pride moments since but it's truly humiliating when you know that you haven't lost your self-respect.... you've given it away. Brr...!

Lweji - your idea re the keeping the photo and letting the children know they were born out of love - is so authentic and touching. I hope the OP can do this, take the long view.

Desert D - it's hard, what gets me is so many people "know" who have not even been told - the power of social media nowadays - so easy to put two and two together. I hate the feeling of being pitied but just keep my head up & try to feel noble...so many people have experienced this hurt, so many people want the happy ending - it is noble to have wanted this even if it doesn't work out this way.

yeah I felt humiliated, and your feelings are quite valid! it felt horrible that many of our friends had guessed or known about his affairs, the final one of which was happening in our home while I was looking after my terminally ill father.
I felt an utter fool. But I survived and am happy and well you do get over the experience, although I doubt I'll ever be as blithely trusting again.

I kinda understand. When I have been cheated on in the past, the biggest emotion I felt was absolute fury at some bloke being given the opportunity to make me an object of pity.

If it happened in my marriage, he would be out the door for that alone.

I have a friend who about 15 years ago was going out with a guy I really thought wasn't right. I girded my self up and told her. She took massive offense, it was awful, but he had massive red flags (wanted her to sign her flat over into his sole name, got really angry once with her (before widespread mobiles) when I couldn't make a coffee meeting so dh was off and went to meet her (to tell her I was in bed with a migraine) and stayed for a coffee with her - I'd shared a flat with her for a year, they knew each other well, she'd made my wedding dress!

Her bloke went nuts, told her people would think badly of her because of her sitting in public drinking coffee with my husband!

So I told her, and, like I said, she was awfully offended.

I kept in touch anyway, and 4 months later he called off the engagement (she was too "disrespectful" apparently!). They were at college together and the break came just after she got a first and he got a 2:2.

Strangely, it was me she came to. Maybe because she already knew I was suspicious of him. She felt very humiliated at the time, but we remained friends and though she's still single at 40, she admits she'd not be happy locked in an abusive relationship.

We're having lunch tomorrow!

The moral - keep in touch with the friends you know care. They will continue to care.

I'm humiliated too if it helps my husband left me for nineteen year old he used to teach.Truly utterly and completely humiliated.Its only recently that I realised for a while there I was funding his relationship working like a dog all hours he always used to ask me for extra money so that he could have the time he needed because he was struggling at work.No doubt because he was found out by colleagues in the small town he taught in that he was knobbing ex student.I was sure that everyone was talking about me and I deserved it.Now I hold my head up fake it til you make it xx

I was more furious when I was cheated on. Angry I didn't know and others did.

I felt like an idiot, which made me more angry, wasting my time with him when he didnt care. I wondered if I would have met someone else, or should have been more encouraging to men who liked me. But no, I was in a relationship. He knew he wanted to be with someone else, and he should have finished with me, not waited for her dh to find out and catapult her into my life.

Still, kept me available for meeting dh and having my dc.

Oh, I can relate to humiliation it's that feeling that what you thought it was, it wasn't and everyone else knew. It's kind of like wounded pride, with a bit of complete social embarrassment thrown in for good measure. Of course it feels awful to hear that in fact others may have known more about your husband's dark side than you did and to have discussed it with others. Also- some people find going about their business on their own holding their head up high to be deeply difficult in those early days, even if it does fade and over time you do realise that no-one thinks badly of you. The only thing to do, as sandiy says, is fake it til you make it in public and tell a few good friends how you feel deep down, and know that this will pass.