I posted a message 2 weeks ago today, after I found some emails showing involvement between my husband and a work colleague. I had confronted him with what I found, and he was remorseful, but he was heading away on a 2 week business trip - which the OW was also attending. I had tried to set up a forwarding copy of every new mail from his BB to a web mail address, but it didn't work. Not sure I want to go down the full-on 'spying' route anyway.
In the meantime I've had space to think, and I've been digging further. What a mess. There are a whole series of lies stretching back years (10 years married). One confirmed infidelity (a one-night stand when drunk) and various examples of inappropriate behaviour with other women - contacting old girlfriends, flirting with people from work, etc. And who knows what else? - because he's generally not confessing anything in advance, not until I confront him.
Even on these 2 weeks of the trip, he has lied about the time he spent with this woman. He sent me a photo of a (weekend/free-time) event they attended, with colleagues around him - not her. He sent his brother a different photo - which included her. He claims he lied about this because I had asked him to avoid spending time with her if he was serious about fixing this. (And this is the way he fixes it??)
He insists there is no physical relationship - and is hugely apologetic for what he calls the 'drunken emails'. He claims to have apologised to her too. But he doesn't admit that this is an emotional affair (I don't have evidence of anything physical except for a couple of 'hot' emails). He does not see that the level of familiarity and intimacy between then makes this an affair.
Three days ago (still on his business trip) I told him the children and I were leaving and there was no certainty that we would be here when he arrived home. (I was bluffing a little, because the passport of one of the DC is in the UK for renewing and we need to wait for it to arrive back). Only then did he change his flights home to earlier, from Sunday night to Saturday night (meetings finished on Friday night but he claims it was too late for a flight that night. He had dinner with her 'and other colleagues').
Honestly, I know there's more than enough here to leave and never come back. We're booked to leave and return to the UK the day after the children finish their school term at end of June - but I have to get through the next month first.
So now this morning he's back.
He's doing all that he can to reconcile, says he will do anything at all to fix it - and I just want to keep my distance. I want to keep civil, and I don't want there to be an atmosphere which distresses the children, but these last 2 weeks have served me well to distance myself, and I cannot lose this now. There is no doubt that he will keep talking me into giving things another shot. He keeps apologising, but it leaves me a bit cold. I don't know if he is truthful with me even now. And he is charming and I still love him, and I will weaken - but I have to stay strong and avoid making any promises to reconcile. I am not ready to say 'That's it - forever', but after some space and time for a few months I know I will make a clearer decision on this. I ask that he stays away for now.
How can I stay strong in the next month? I need to stay in a separate bedroom, and we have space to do this - but I do not want to upset the children with anything different. I can try to be out of bed before they waken, but they often come looking for me in the middle of the night. I don't want to force a conversation with the DCs (7, 5, 3) which really doesn't need to happen yet. We were going home for July and August anyway, and that allows for distance for all of us.
What else? Who else has been in this situation, and what can I do to keep my resolve?