Encouragement Needed- standing up for myself.

[verygentlydoesit]

I'm realising P is too selfish and I don't think I can live with it any longer. He doesn't accept this, says I'm harsh and he won't change.

I've a tendency to retreat into myself when I'm hurt, he blames all our troubles on me not speaking to him. The most recent incident was during a much needed and promised family day, when at 5pm he announced he was going to the pub. I tried to explain that wasn't on, given it was a family day. I was told in no uncertain terms that he was going no matter what I said. He also told me to F off, and to shut up.

Following this incident I was very quiet for 5 days. TBH I just didn't know what else to do. I've now tried to discuss it several times. He won't admit it was selfish, or out of order, refuses to apologise, blames me for being quiet.

This is not a one off incident, it is typical of him.

So to cut to the chase, he's disappeared to play golf this morning. Leaving me to look after DS (6) with a horrific sore throat (mine not DS's).

I've arranged to go and see a friend all day tomorrow, P will have to look after DS. Despite everything I feel really guilty about doing this, I know P was planning to go out for a few drinks tomorrow so now he can't go. Also to be fair I've probably made my sore throat seem less significant if I can face driving to see a friend- it really is very painful, I'm just determined that it will be much better tomorrow.

I need encouragement that I'm not bring selfish by leaving them to it tomorrow. I feel terrible about it, but also know that in reality it's not unreasonable.

I'm also taking DS camping thurs-sun, P wouldn't take time off to come. So he will get plenty of time to himself then.....

You are not being selfish. You are entitled to a break as much as your dh. More so probably, as he seems to get plenty of time to himself as it is. Just go and enjoy yourself. Nothing to feel guilty about.

I don't think you're being selfish ether. He sounds selfish with his "I'm swanning off whenever I feel like it and if you don't like it you can f off and shut up".

Have a lovely time with your DS camping. It will be good for both of you. You will be in a new setting which will help you to think clearly about your situation.

I agree with the others. He is also ds parent and should act like it. You are entitled to some time to yourself as much as he is. Don't feel guilty.

Go and have a great day with your friend; you will feel much better for it.

He behaves horribly and then blames you for it. You cannot be to blame for something he does - only he can be responsible for his behaviour.

I presume he is DS's father? If he is, then of course you should not feel remotely guilty and leaving the two of them together.

Yes he is DS' father.

Unfortunately my raging sore throat has got worse, swallowing is a major effort and I'm in a surprising amount of pain. I'm so disappointed that I might have to cancel my plans.

P just asked me why when I get ill do I always get so very ill. Sounds like a vague criticism of the fact that I'm unwell to me. I don't always get very ill, I just don't say anything about it or make a fuss unless I feel really bad.....

Do you have spots at the back of your throat, OP? It sounds as though you have tonsillitus (sp?).

Personally, if someone told me to fuck off, I'd leave them. Who would want to live with someone like that?

My STBXH used to complain that I "had a poor constitution" on the occasions when I got ill. Like it was my fault? So I know how you feel.

I don't think that it's acceptable for him to be telling you to fuck off or shut up tbh. Both are very rude.

You are taking DS camping by yourself- of course you can quite rightly take tomorrow for you. Hope you feel better

Thank you all for your messages of support. I can't go though, I feel too ill. I'm gutted, I was so looking forward to bolting away to see my lovely friend for a few hours. But I don't think I should drive like this, I can't think of much beyond my throat and I don't want to pass it onto my friend.

P is downstairs full of the joys of a sunny day with DS. He's not offered me anything.

Feeling really sad, I need my strength back.

Such a shame - illness can be so badly timed! Hope he takes him out for the day and leaves you in peace at home instead... is that a possibility?

Yes I think he's going to his parents. I should be pleased but I'm fed up, really needed to do something string for myself for once but I can't even get out of bed .

You realise the throat complaint has probably been made far worse by the fact that you were so worried about going? 'Stress' is not just an emotion, it has very physical effects on the body. Not least lowering the immune system. Living in a stressful environment of bullying, where you are verbally abused, constantly blamed, given the silent treatment and so on, is making you ill.

I hope you feel better soon but don't be surprised if your sore throat clears up incredibly quickly - together with the anxiety - now that you've had to cancel your trip. No, it wouldn't have been selfish to visit a friend. Plan it again for another day .... soon.