I never want to have sex any more - advice/comfort desperately needed

[VioletElizabeth]

Why don't I have any libido at all? I feel so guilty all the time because I just never ever feel any sexual urges; I end up having sex because I'm thinking 'It's been six weeks - must do it, must do it before DH leaves me...' but then I feel resentful because he rarely makes the first move so I feel like it's all my responsibility. Maybe he's just tired of me making excuses. I'm not on the pill so it's not because of that, DS is 3 now and sleeps really well - no fear of him waking up!- I just can't find the interest or the energy. I worry about this so much of the time. It's happened in previous relationships so it's nothing to do with the man I'm with now or with having had a baby - it must be something wrong with me. I went to see a counsellor years ago but they were no help. Is there anyone who has some advice or comfort?! It makes me feel so inadequate as a woman, like I'm defective in some way. Any help welcomed!

is it actually causing a problem between you?

maybe you both have low sex drives

I'm sure most womaen go through this at some time.If you never feel like sex ,why don't you go and talk to your doctor about it.It could be something medical that can be cured or improved.Don't feel guilt about it.If a man couldn't get an erection he'd be down the doctors in a flash!
Be easy on yourself it's a very normal ,common problem.

We don't fight about it and DH seems quite happy most of the time. I think the biggest problem is how guilty I feel for not being a 'proper' wife. I maybe will go to the doctor - it just makes it such a real problem if I do. I like to try to pretend that nothing's wrong!

If he's really happy about the situation, why don't you wait until he asks for sex, instead of feeling like you have to initiate it?

Sorry, I know that its not an answer to your actual worry, more of a 'stop-gap' really, if you'll pardon the pun!

Do you enjoy it once you get going iykwim?
I have v low libido - blaming the pill but also think I am out of the habit, after 2 kids in 2 years. I enjoy sex when we do it, I just very rarely feel like bothering!

Don't feel guilty, but have a chat with DH and suggest more time where you cuddle etc; I find having a glass of wine in the bath together helps put me in a relaxed, sexier mood.

Hope that wasn't tmi

You cannot keep on trying to pretend that nothing is wrong. Such an approach simply does not work and you just end up making yourself even more unhappy.

Counsellors are like shoes - sometimes you may have to talk to more than one such person before you find out you can really open up to. Don't give up on counselling. Just because it didn't work out years ago doesn't mean to say counselling would not help you this time around.

Do consider going to see your GP first off. Low libido can have a medical cause.

I wish you well

P.S Guilt is a useless emotion!. Remember that too.

I suspect it is more the norm than you'd think

I have phases like this too so I understand what you mean. What helps for me is to make a conscious effort to think about sex very frequently throughout the day. Think about some of the best sexual times you and DH have had in the past, (or other guys, he doesn't need to know that ), or fantasies you may have/had, etc, anything that used to get you going, think about it every hour or so. This really helps me get in the mood for some action later on.

It's hard to go from mummy mode to nymphy wife mode in the blink of an eye, so doing this may help. Good luck.

Hi there, what does your other half think about all of this, you say you initiate and yet still feel the guilt?

Do you get the sense that he feels you are "less of a woman" or just you do? This is a very typical female reaction, feel guility about evrything even thoough it takes 2-2- tango.

I am like this too, violetElizabeth. I can go a long time without sex & then think I should do it to keep H happy. After I have had sex, I am relieved that I have it out of the way for x amount of weeks. Luckily my husband doesn't have a high sex drive either & works long hours, so is often too tired to want sex.
My sister (who does not yet have children) also has a very low sex drive & told me that she had read somewhere that there is a name for it (can't remember the name) & 1 in 5 women suffer from it!

Before you rush off to the Doctors,have a chat with DH.Perhaps once you know how he feels about it,you may not feel so guilty and that may be half the battle.
Pick a time when you are relaxed,once you've explained,you may be able to think of a few things,to try out together to get you in the mood.If all else fails then see perhaps go to the GP.

Thank you so much for all the advice. Blueteddy, that is exactly what I feel - it's out the way for another few weeks! I definitely don't feel like a sexy person - because I'm practically a fulltime mum, life is all about domestic drudgery so I think I do need to think of ways to get me in the mood once DS is safely in bed. Will try the glass of wine in the bath while thinking about my list of 5 celebs I'm allowed to sleep with (has anyone else seen that Friends episode?!) and see what happens! Once we get going, I do enjoy it most of the time, shazronnie, but sometimes it's really just to do my wifely duty! DH always says he doesn't mind that we don't do it v. often but he's not good at talking through emotional things (altho I have tried) - likes to pretend they'll go away if he doesn't bring them up!

If you're both happy, what's the problem? I mean, there's no Golden Schedule in the sky that says you have to have sex x no. of times/week/month, etc.

What's wrong w/'low sex drive'? Why is it always seen as a problem?

I'm exactly the same, have been for years but keep trying to put it to the back of my mind and pretend that it isnt a problem when really I know I should do something about it

Im the same 2.weve only had sex once so far this year.Dp has a high sex drive tho so it does cause a few arguments.We do talk about it alot though and he understands most of the time.

I think it's a problem if you have different expectations of how often you should be doing it.

Do you get to go out (without kids) at all? If you can, it might be worth booking a regular babysitter so that you can start doing 'couple' stuff like going out to dinner, movies etc. You might find the more you start feeling like a 'woman in love' again rather than a 'mum who is constantly in demand', your sex life will start to follow.

Progress update - took some advice from you all: bath, wine, meal (Tesco finest - no cooking by me!) and it all went very well, if you know what I mean! I think what really helped was taking the time to switch off from being a mum - the relaxing lead up was really crucial to getting me in the right mood. Otherwise, DH is revving up to go and I'm still thinking about ironing. So we've decided to try 'date night' (as we christened it) once a fortnight - sounds weird and unspontaneous but it might work for us better than hoping we both feel in the mood simultaneously! Hope this is encouraging others to give it a go!

I've also lost my sex drive recently. I'm a divorced mum in my forties, two teenage children who are a dream, stressful job, but not unique there. Met a new man last year, and everything was great, fancied the pants off him but above all he's a really great guy. Then went on Depo as it was the easiest thing to do. After a couple of months, started going off sex, and now I'm not interested at all, and try to avoid it if at all possible. I know my man is being patient, and I have mentioned it may be the Depo, but I'm conscious that it's not fair on him. I don't even feel any passion when I see him now. Just wondering whether Depo has anything to do with it, or whether I'm just cooling off him. I'd be quite happy never to have sex again with the way I feel now. That's not right, is it? As some of you have said, I should go to GP to see if there is any other reason. But is it quite normal to just go off it at this age, and do how do men accept that?

Zinc can be helpful. Worth a try?

tess its not obligatory to go off at sex because you are in your forties no

so if you arent happy then change something

and probably the depo thing is the answer

agree with zippi

and wow this is an old thread!

didnt notice it was an old thread

An old threat - probably a common problem?

It's easy to think that everyone else is shagging left right and centre at every minute of the day, when the reality can be quite different!

Not necessarily a 'problem' but a situation that is often perceived as such.