Feeling so lonely

[Stripeysocks1]

I've been a long time lurker on MN but never posted before, I'm hoping for some advice/reassurance as I don't feel like I can talk to anyone in 'real life' about my feelings.
I've found myself on my own with my 2.5 year old DS, not at all what I had planned when I had a baby, and just feel so sad a lot of the time.
I had thought we would be doing things together as a family and feel like its quite lonely doing things on my own with my son although I love spending time with him.
I just wish that I had someone to share it with.
I feel like I will never meet anyone, I don't work at the moment due to health problems and never go out at night as dont have anyone to look after my son.
I'm feeling very low at the moment because there was someone who I thought I had a connection with and I've found out that they are now involved with some one else who is much younger than me with no ties! I feel like no one will ever want to be with me again and just feel pretty miserable.
I'm only 29 and feel like my life is over in some ways.
How can I get out of this rut?

Oh Stripey - I'm sorry you feel this way...

Tell us a bit more about your situation, and then we may be able to help a bit more...

Do you have your parents or siblings nearby?
Where is DS's Dad?
Are you getting any financial support?

Meanwhile, I would suggest you look up a charity called Homestart. I used to be a volunteer for them and they'll come and see you initially and match you up with a volunteer who will come and visit you once a week - take out DS so you can have some peace or take you both shopping, or just sit and listen.

Here they are:www.home-start.org.uk/about_us/

Hi Stripey, Sorry you are in this situation. I can sympathize as I was basically alone with my DD. I know doing things alone with a toddler can be lonely and depressing. Are there any mums' groups you can join? I didn't think of myself as a "joiner" but just having a bit of company or another adult to talk to on the playground can be such a relief.

One thing to remember is that things will get easier as your DS gets older. Don't know what else to say to help but hope someone else will come along with more wisdom or practical advice.

You are young and your life is not over!

Oh Stripey things sound really hard for you.

Keep talking on here, there are some really knowledgable people who give great advice.

Do you have any friends to support you in RL?

I would recommend Home Start and Sure Start Childrens Centres too. If you have one near you, go along and see what they have to offer. There are usually groups, classes, and all sorts of things where you can meet people

I am on my own with my DS too. Do you have any friends who can come to you of an evening?
Once pre-school, school starts you will meet more mums.

How did you meet the person you had a connection with? Are there any more where they came from?

Home start definitely a good call, they can help you do whatever you like, perhaps get your hair done while volunteer looks after DS... Local colleges usually have cheap offers if they have beauty therapy trainees.

Being alone all the time with a toddler is lonely and boring, especially at the weekends. But you need to fight to hang on to yourself and do things which make you feel good too.

Thanks so much for your kind replies,
DS's dad died 9 months ago very suddenly, it was a huge shock and although I am starting to feel back on my feet a bit obviously it's still very hard.

It's not at all that I could ever replace him, but I just feel like I want someone to love me like that again, I feel that I am selfish for that though and that it's betraying him.

I do have lots of friends that I've met through baby groups etc and also my 3 life long friends and I do get lots of support from them. I live quite far from my family, although I do see them.

I suppose i am feeling worse than usual as its yet another bank holiday where everyone I know is spending the time with their OH and I just feel lonely. I feel like this sounds awful and I should be grateful to be able to be with my son, and of course I am he is my whole world. I feel sad for him too, he always goes up to other kid's dad's and tries to get them to play with him, I want him to have a dad and think he'll never have that.

Oh sweetheart it sounds like you haven't finished grieving for DS's Dad yet. That's brought tears to my eyes - there are so many on here (including me) that are in the process of splitting from their OH, I just assumed that was what had happened. I'm so sorry that he died suddenly.

Just my personal opinion - it sounds to me like you don't just want a Dad for your DS, you want his Dad back. I'm no expert on that subject, but it sounds like you need to be gentle on yourself, and finish grieving first. Do tell me I'm wrong if I'm wrong!
x

Stripey for you. I am sorry for your loss and 9 months is still very early days for your thoughts and feelings to be dealing with your grief.

I understand how you feel, to a point, although my XH walked out on me suddenly, he didn't die, but I still had to go through a grieving process due to the extreme shock of it. I don't claim to have gone through the same as you, but similar..

The weekends and bank holidays are the hardest, because everybody else seems to be off doing family things together and it can be very lonely.

My DD is 5yo and she loves attention from her friends Dads as she only sees her dad 4 days a month, so I can see where you are coming from. It breaks my heart to see her running up to them and trying to get them to tickle her or lift her up. I am 41 and I feel like I will never meet anyone else and can't imagine ever feeling the same about anyone else, but hopefully one day.....

Have you had any grief counselling? If not, then it might help you to put your head and heart in order. I have had several months of counselling and it does help.

You are only 29, you will meet somebody when the time is right. You need to look after yourself first, get yourself in order and then when you least expect it you will meet somebody. In the meantime, go out with your friends, try and keep busy and maybe you will cross paths with somebody by chance when you are ready for it.

It may not seem it now, but it's probably a blessing that that budding relationship didn't come to anything - because 9 months after losing your partner is probably too soon. I hope it's ok to say that.

Grief is just so horrible and ime the first year is the worst. It is especially horrible if it was a sudden death. The whole thing is beyond horrible. You will look back and realise you weren't yourself at all that first year.

It must be disappointing, though, that something that took your mind off has ended up coming to nothing. please don't take personally the fact that she's younger with no ties! It's just how it went, no reflection on you and your situation. You need the right person, anyway, and, clearly, he wasn't it.

You are only 29, you do have a lot of time ahead to work your way through your grief and build a new life. Grief can't be hurried though (more's the pity). I have experienced a sudden death of someone close and it does take a while to work through it.

It might help to meet women your age who have lost their husbands/partners? Which reminds me - I once made a wedding dress for a woman who had previously been widowed (also a sudden death) in her early 20s. (not a dry eye at the wedding! Especially the groom!)

oh dear, did I word that right? After losing her first husband to sudden death, she married again - I made the dress. Sorry I made a hash of saying that!

Hi OP - so sorry to hear how low you are. I know what you mean about bank hols being lonely. I find planning a lot, even just jumping on a bus to see where it goes just because you can, helps me. Being alone can be great if you see it as special time for you and your son (which it sounds like you do already!) and just a step out to find someone new - if that is what you want.
If you are interested - or anyone else on here really - a group of 8 or so of us from the Lone Parents board are going camping in Aug. If you like the sound of it have a look in the topics and you will find us :) Sometimes it can help to have other single parents around with wine.

Hi Stripey
I hope you've woken up to brighter weather today. I think as other posters have said, you probably need some counselling to just be able to offload all your grief. I'd contact your GP or surgery.

Have you looked up Homestart yet? They would be able to help you in so many ways - not the official counselling bit, but just general support in your day to day life.

You know, I gave up volunteering for Homestart after 4 years, and its posts like this that make me think I should start again...

Post again if you want to...