DH and herpes

[moleavenger]

20 years ago, before he and I even knew each other, DH caught herpes from a one night stand. He said it was horrific at first - blisters, sores, pain, itching, swelling, then after 10 years it died down a bit. DH is now obsessive about not passing it on and the shame that would occur if he did. He will not have sex or any sexual contact at all when he has an outbreak and that is every other month.

The problem is, he spends about 2 weeks a month unable to have sex. considering that the third week of every month I am on my period (DH is a muslim and does not like having sex on period) that leaves 1 week a month (in between work stress, tiredness, illness, kids) to have sex. In some ways this is great because it makes the likelihood of DH having sex outside of our marriage very low indeed, but I am so incredibly frustrated and sometimes my mind plays tricks on me - maybe DH doesnn't want to have sex with me? Maybe this is the perfect excuse?

Whenever I complain he makes the point that he is protecting ME, so it's very hard to ask for anything. When I say could we have some sexual contact even if we don't have sex he says he finds it hard because he feels "disgusting" and disgusted with himself when he has an outbreak.

Anyone else out there understand the herpes thing or have a DH with herpes? Is it really like this all the time?

I'm not bothering name-changing for this as I'm pretty open about the fact that I have herpes.

My DP has it too; we caught it from each other but don't know which way round as we had our first outbreak at the same time! I ended up in hospital because mine was so bad; DP's was much milder. That was a year ago. Since then I've only had one outbreak (MUCH milder - only a bit of thrush-like itching for a couple of days) and DP has had none.

I'm also surprised that the OP's DH has outbreaks so often, especially so long after he caught the virus - but it does vary a lot between people and between strains. I second the recommendation of getting your DH some antivirals. My GP said that this is a good option to make attacks less frequent AND make the person less infectious. But it will require your DH to talk to his GP about it unless he orders online. Good luck. It doesn't deserve the stigma that it has.

I dont quite understand your timing, if he has a 2 week outbreak every two months and a one week period every month, isnt this sex for3 weeks one month and one week the next? I am not sure why you would find this so incredibly frustrating, and I suspect it is less to do with the actual sex and more to do with how distressed your husband feels about it all?

Please please look into lysine on the net. If he takes a quality product regularly in a high enough dose it should reduce the frequency of his outbreaks considerably. He can prob increase the dose during an outbreak to reduce its length and severity

On a practical note, until you can reduce the frequency, could you not go on the pill and have your "break" during an outbreak?

Yes, plus a good long course of antivirals may help get it under control, see if you can get it safely online

I caught Herpes type 1 (the oral kind, but on my genitals, the type one is generally milder), years ago from a ONS. The first outbreak was swollen glands, general flu like feeling and a couple of sores which were painful. Had a smaller outbreak about a year later when I was run down with tonsillitus. Since then I have sometimes felt the familiar prodrome symptoms as if it's starting but no outbreak actually comes. So no outbreak for nearly 4 years. I have anti virals prescribed "on hand" just in case.

The outbreaks are supposed to lessen in frequency and severity as time goes on, in an otherwise healthy person. Your DH should go to the doctors and request immune system blood tests, and anti virals. I feel for your DH actually, you say you have seen the sores, so doubt he's making it up, if you hadn't seen them I'd be suspicious as it is a huge number of outbreaks.

What a situation for you both x

I hate hearing stories like this.
Herpes is a normal part of being a human, its ridiculously common but only about 20% of people will show symptoms. No one feels guilty or dirty when they have a cold sore and genital herpes is just a cold sore on your bits. Nobody really cared about it until the 1970s when a pharmaceutical company had an antiviral to sell and their ad man whipped up a whole load of hysteria and stigma. So instead of being a relatively minor skin complaint, due to that dickhead, its a major psycho sexual problem.
If your husband has outbreaks so frequently there is a good chance he is infectious between outbreaks as well and it would therefore be likely you already have the infection. Although this sounds bad what it means for you is that you appear to be in the 80% who have no or mild symptoms so your husband's worst fears are likely to be true but its really not that bad. There's also a fairly good chance you already had it before you started going out with your husband.
Neither your DH nor you should be suffering like this. I would recommend that you take a visit to your local sexual health clinic to get onto some suppressive therapy. The folk at the clinic will have seen herpes millions of times. They won't judge him, in fact if they're anything like me they'll feel very sorry that he's suffered like this for so long.
I can also recommend the Herpes Association for some sensible advice and support.

Yes I agree. Apparently a high percentage of the population do have herpes genitally, they just don't have symptoms as their immune system fights it off all the time.

My sister was so freaked out when I told her, I found it ridiculous and told her she probably has it too just no symptoms. My now DH was not phased at all when I told him, in fact he said "I think I may have had something like that once, don't worry about it" , and the doctor at the clinic was not phased or worried in the slightest.

As others have said Im sure his outbreaks shouldnt be so frequent, would he go to the gp? My DH has herpes and we always abstain when he has an outbreak, I dont want to have it! Im surprised you seem to not mind getting it, I know its common but if you can prevent it then why wouldnt you? Anyway, Ive been with DH for 5 years and he has had 3? (maybe 4) outbreaks during that time.

Thanks all so much for your comments. It reassures me to hear that the awareness of the public fuss over it is this common. Re: the timing, it goes like this - DH feels that he may get an outbreak (tingling, itchiness) so he will not have sex, after 2 days it manifests into a red blotch, then a pussy spot which takes 5 days ( if he puts cream on) for it to go, then leaves a scar. DH will not have sex until the scar goes away (which also takes days.) my period lasts 5 days and (that takes into account the behaviour of DH who intrinsically wrapped up with his faith thinks blood is dirty) so he will not have sex if the period is even due or there's a threat of the blood reappearing (hence a two day safety rule either side of it coming or going) which takes us up to 9 days. Life things make another barrier (the DCs, tiredness, work stress) leaving only, if we're lucky, a week or so time to have a sex life and even then we do it maybe twice... Taking into account the false alarms - ie " I think I might be about to have an outbreak" so we wait another two days. Surely I'd be forgiven for taking it personally? My two options are either; DH doesn't want to fuck me, or DH is so damaged by having herpes that he has compromised his sex life. Hence the mentioning that I assume it means DH isn't getting it elsewhere... I, for one, am
Incredibly frustrated, but DH somehow isn't.

I will show DH the links you sent too to try and encourage him to do something about it.

'That thought wouldn't enter into the mind of someone in a healthy relatinship.' I think that's quite a strange comment. Your sex life is seriously disrupted by this, whether justifiably or not, and that plays havoc with how you feel, even if you are in a strong relationship.

What medical treatment is he/has he tried?

Exactly, JoanofArc, we have sex little enough to make me look at him some days and think "how are you coping with this?" We hAve enough time together (DH has lots of real estate worldwide and gets rent every month and lives off that - i work, but am happy with my job and work mostly from home) for us to be able to have sex twice a day if we wanted. But for some reason it happens twice a month (if that.) how is he coping? He is an apparently hot blooded man who bedded many women before me. He insists these were mostly ONS with whom he wore a condom and when it there was no outbreak. Everything he says adds up. The first time he as I had sex together he disappeared to the bathroom for almost 20 mins while i lay on the bed. Apparently checking his willy which he has done since every time before we've had sex.

He was diagnosed in the Middle East, so I can assume had some stigma attached to it even at the point of diagnosis. He HATEs talking about it to professionals and only uses Zovirax. He insists that if we try for more children in the future (condom free, obv) he will take the anti viral. Maybe it's that he has a problem with the anti viral? But surely the preservation of his sex life is worth taking it?

He sounds miserable

It sounds as if he just doesn't think he deserves a sex life any more. Perhaps he now derives a lot of his self-esteem from being a good husband. Maybe he isn't seeing the flaw in this, that by not tackling this difficult situation, he is affecting your life negatively?

Is there such a thing as Islamic sex/marital therapy? [ignorant] Because even if it started purely as a physical problem, I think it's become such a Thing between you that it might need some quite delicate unravelling?

just to give you an example - DH and I have been 24/7 in each other's company for the last month. For two weeks of that the DCs have been with their grandparents. But due to a herpes outbreak and my period, we have not had ANY sexual contact. We have been cuddling and holding each other and holding hands. But anything sexual - no way. DH can't bear it.

If we were in a relationship that was hostile in other ways - emotionally cold, unaffectionate etc, of course sex would be unlikely, but this?

thanks joanofarc, i think that might be the way. And I agree that shame is very wrapped up in this too...

Sex is in the head. He finds his own body so disgusting that he can't even stay in bed after sex, he has to go and look for evidence of his own vileness breaking through? I don't think he is being unfaithful either.

I was married to a Muslim (not from ME) and he didn't have a problem with sex during a period. So maybe it's a cultural thing, not necessarily religious.

I'm sorry if that makes you feel worse.

I think that last post from joanofarchitrave is a very good analogy.

I'm in agreement with people on here who are saying that there is nothing to be ashamed of.

And I agree that the anti viral cream was not that good. I never tried tablets though.

I remember the sores and blisters were all over my under carriage.

He needs to put the cream on when he feels the tingling and itchiness, any later its not worth it.

Would you go to psychosexual counselling together?