Going no contact with sis but what about the kids?

[monkeynuts123]

I'm in a bit of a dilemma, my sister has brought me 10 years of trouble because she's still holding grudges about a fairly small argument. I have tried endlessly to make a peaceful relationship with her but I have realised she is rather enjoying this conflict and has form for this with other family members. I have never fought with anyone for longer than a few days and 10 years of it is beginning to take it's toll on me and suck the joy from my life.

She has adult children with baby on the way and I have 2 toddlers. The problem is my kids love her! She is lovely with them, even though she makes shitty comments and manipulates me when we're all together and does silly little things to keep making her point. My kids can feel the tension and know that sister doesn't like me and I don't like her (their simple terms for it) but they do miss her and want to see her and one has even dreamt of her. What do I do with this? They keep asking to go and see her and I feel very torn. I feel it's wrong in a way to break up that relationship when I really think about it I realise it isn't me who's broken those relationships because I have tried and now I think I'm just being a sucker who's being bullied and that's not right for kids to get a wiff of either. My kids said the other day that why don't I take them to visit her and go home and pick them up after!! Loyalty eh ha ha. That won't work either cos she won't 'babysit'. Anyone had similar and worked it out?

springy - that's so awful. I feel for you.

Let the adult kids make the first move, otherwise don't court a relationship with them. Be very, very careful that your sister does not see your children. You are not being petty. My horrible situation illustrates you are not. (I wish I'd had someone like me around to warn me back in the day!)

I think you're going to have to accept the likelihood that you will lose her adult children too. That has happened in my case - I assume because her children have been forced to 'choose'.

I was also too much/not enough as far as my sister was concerned. Her latest is that she is peddling downloaded MH dx about me. Ironic, really. (My kids are listening though )

Actually, I'm going to bow out of this thread if that's ok. Finding this too painful tbh.

Please listen to me though and act now.

I wish there were something I could say or do springy, to make you feel better. :(

OP I thought her DC would be the little ones (projection perhaps) her adult DC can make up their own minds.

Your DC need protecting. For some unknown reason my Dsis hates my guts i'd say. The knife she turned in my back hurt like nothing else on earth. I'd give everything and more to not have that happen.

But it did. I cut her off, and everything else to do with her.

My mother 'refuses to take sides' which means she won't bother to defend me, or ask her WTF she did and why.

My mother is the next on the list to go. Then it'll just be me and my DS.

I don't want crappy people who don't think anything of me around him. I don't want their mental freakery anymore. I don't want the poison.

Life without them in my life is better. Protect your DC and show them how YOU deserve to be treated! How else would they know.

I'm an auntie and I love all my nieces and nephews. I have the utmost respect for their parents, my siblings, and part of my role as an auntie is to back them up. Your sister sounds like she's using her nieces and nephews. You don't want that for them, and its your job to protect them. She's an adult, she's old enough to know that actions have consequences.

Springy, that is AWFUL! I am so sorry that that has happened to you. I understand triggers and that personal boundary when you feel you can not come back here (even to read this) but thank you for posting your story. You have given me further validation for going no contact with my sister.

Monkeynuts, you are doing the right thing. Keep making excuses and eventually your dc will drop it. Reread what Attila wrote about dysfunctional families as that is, imho, the foundation of the dynamics here.

It is too bad that sometimes our families of origin give us the teachable examples of when/how to set personal boundaries and develop a working definition of self-respect for ourselves, as well as our children. Imho, ignoring it in favor of "Happy Families" will preserve the dysfunction but never promote an actually happy, or merely content, family.

Monkeynuts, as to your adult niece/nephews and their (future) children...I would treat them as common, indifferent acquaintances. If there is not a reason not to (sorry for double negative), perhaps go ahead and send your niece a nice baby shower type gift/card as you might for a neighbor or work colleague. Otherwise, I'd wait for them to get in touch with you (and don't hold your breath). You may or may not be invited to anything baby related, but don't let that affect you. It is just part of no contact.

"Whatever", breathe, and move on.

you dont need to make a big announcement to the children, just gradually start seeing her less, for shorter periods of time. When you do this you may star to feel okay about the lower level of contact without needing to cut off completely

plus if you dont confront her about it she may discover that she doesnt want reduced contact and buck up her behaviour?

My ds has just gone through this sort of thing where hes had to lose contact with his cousin, there's been many tears on both sides of it. It's been very very hard but on the whole it is better for him.
But it does question your decision seeing their heartbreak. I always say "they are busy today", instead of "your never going to play with him again".

Your kids are going to grow up, they aren't stupid and when they are older, they will realise that they themselves perhaps do not want to be around this person. Get yourselves and your children out of now, to be honest if they never mention her, they will not be bothered either way - think of you and you only - your kids are resilient and will not suffer any trauma from not seeing their aunt. I am in a similar situation, I have told my toxic sister I don't want any more contact, yet she is persisting sending them little manipulative notes that say 'missing you, thinking of you, love you', I am fed up with it and going to send them back starting tomorrow. Someone said something here that she is only nice when it suits her, she is not a nice person, just like my sister. I am struggling big time with anxiety, since I have cut contact I am a little better, but it's going to take time. Get out now !