In turmoil about next step.

[IEM3]

Hi I have posted one thread before and been reading EA thread but not had courage to join. Finding it very hard today. Managed to get up the courage last week to talk to dh. Told him I was scared of him, I cant express myself properly and my feelings for him have gone. Said loads not very well but he got the gist.He thinks I am depressed (which I am) and I need to get antidepressants because then I will see things clearly and realise I do love him (NO). We have been through hell over last 6 years with ill health. He fully accepts it is his fault for treating me badly but wants to "fight" to keep this relationship. He thinks counselling would help but I know he looks down his nose at counsellors so think he is just trying to appease me. At the end of our talk I felt better. He has been trying. Helping around house and with school pick ups. Then yestersay said that I am not trying and if we divorce it will be all on my head. Started talking about the consequences of divorce in an aggressive manner. I couldnt get my point across which is Always the case. I feel tryng to step forward then going backwards. He now wants to book holiday today. i dont want to but dont know if i am strong enough to make a stand. He is no manipulative twists and turns everything. I dont know what to do.

so manipulative!

He is a bully, you need a break from him.

Thanks yes I wish. We are always together except when i am at work which has neen good respite for me. Wish i could just go with dc.

Thanks yes he is. Goes from apologising,laying blame outside of himself to aggressive. I wish I could get a break. We are always together except when I am at work which has been good respite for me. Wish i could just go with dc.

Sorry sending from phone and sent two replies! Just out at mo and dont want to go home.

Counselling probably would help you. It might help you to stop thinking so much about what he wants and thinks and give you some headspace to work out what will work for you.

What do you want to happen next?

If you want to move out ASAP but are aware that it may take a few weeks to do so and don't want your H breathing down your neck in the meantime, play him at his own game. Tell him you still feel that it's over but that you are going to have counselling, alone to make sure you're not depressed, etc. This will get him off your back while you put plans in place. THen you can present him with a fait accompli and just go.

People who threaten and manipulate do not deserve the courtesy of being treated with 100% transparency when a relationship breaks down as they will only use it against the injured party.

Good luck.

Thanks LF and D, maybe counselling will be helpful but I know he will probably want to be there to. Not sure whether go to relate, they will probably suss him quite quickly or via GP on my own. I think i will have to leave with the dc because I really dont think I could take his behaviour when he knows it is finally over. Thinks he likes the family home more than the person he shares it with. All my defences are down from years of this crap. I am so desperately unhappy sometimes I think I will never be able to do it. This will be my lot in life. I am always worried about dc x3. How it will affect them. Whether its best to sacrifice my happiness for everyone but the thought of staying put and "back to normal" fills me with absolute despair. I feel so low at the moment. Bought some Kalms - need another one! Oh bugger this whole thing is horrible.

No, don't go to counselling with him. Go for some CBT (perhaps yes, via the GP) that will help you think more clearly about your situation and your responses to it. I think you and your DC will be happier once you are out of this situation so you won't be sacrificing anything on their behalf. You will be doing the best thing for the best people in this set up.

Can you tell your husband that you need counselling for depression or something, rather than the marriage stuff? I told my ex that I needed counselling because I hadn't come to terms with a family bereavement. It was kind of true when I signed up, but therapy turned out to be focused on whether or not to leave my marriage (I did). If there's another good reason to go then it takes the heat off a bit. When my husband asked me what I'd talked about and if I talked about him I was just vague and said 'it's more about me and what's in my head' that kind of thing.

He is projecting when he says to you stuff about you not trying etc. It is HE who is really not trying here. Like many abusive men as well he blows hot and cold all the time and does the nice/nasty cycle very well. He is in the "nice" part of the cycle by suggesting a holiday but it will not last, such cycles are continuous.

Joint counselling is a complete non starter here, also such emotionally abusive men can and do use such sessions (if they did bother to attend them in the first place which is unlikely because they see nothing wrong with their actions) to further beat their victims with. Counselling for your own self would be invaluable, you need to be able to talk in a safe environment and that is without him in the room.

I would also seek legal advice now re finances and the children. You need to make plans to separate from him.

Womens Aid would also be worth talking to today.

Your DC will ultimately thank you if you are able to break away completely from their abusive dad. They are after all learning about relationships from the two of you, what lessons are currently being imparted to them?.

Good luck to you IEM3. You are already making steps and moving forwards to where you want to be just by talking about it and by planning.

It will be a long hard road but you can and you will do it because you that no matter how hard and painful it will be, both you and DCs will be better for it in the end.

I stayed for years in a bad relationship for the sake of the children, but then I realised I didn't want them to grow up thinking ex-H's behaviour was normal or acceptable.

You are braver than you think

Thanks LF and Attila. I am not sure he would go to relate now as just found out it cost£50 per session so he wont be happy with that. I called WA but busy but will try again to find courage. Thanks for your kind support. I am in bits.just really emotional at mo. I need to be able to stand up to him buy I cant. I perhaps could say counsellingjust for me first re possible depression and then with him (but not really). Could do with it right now! Shall i try and say no to the holiday?

Yes, you can tell him that you've been recommended to get counselling individually first before couples' counselling.

Thanks LF and Attila andTQ.I am not sure he lwould go to relate now as just found out it cost£50 per session so he wont be happy with that. I called WA but busy but will try again to find courage. Thanks for your kind support. I am in bits.just really emotional at mo. I need to be able to stand up to him buy I cant. I perhaps could say counsellingjust for me first re possible depression and then with him (but not really). Could do with it right now! Shall i try and say no to the holiday?

Sorry i seem to be double posting. Wanted to thank TQ too. I will contact GP butwill hav to be next week now. I feel a little easier talking to you and perhaps the Kalms kicking in. I will try to put hols off today but we have a long weekend aheadof us :-(.