Dont know what to say of do

[delicatematter]

My DH brok down crying the other night and told me that as a child he was sexually abused by his uncle.

He was 7 at the time.
He has not had a good childhood, his mum left his dad to bring him and his siblings up and they moved into his grandparents house where the abuse took place.
He has never told anyone this before and said that he cannot stand the shame,guilt or being depressed over it anymore and knows that he needs to get counselling.

I asked him did he want to tell his dad and he said yes but didnt know how, he says he doesnt want to confront the uncle as he hardly sees him anyway but, the uncle has children grown up and DH says that if he did it to him then he probably did it to his own children especially the eldest as she seems quite mentally unstable.
After he told me he went and had a chat with his sister, he said she wasnt surprised when he told her and that she would support him in whatever he wants to do.

I dont know what to say or do for him, i know and he does that when his dad finds out the sh*t will hit the fan and his dad will go straight round to the uncles and smack him one, DH doesnt want any trouble.
I just want to help and comfort him but i dont know how to i feel like im walking on eggshells, he is very tearful, we were both crying last night.

Oh how awful, your poor dh (and you)

Counselling has got to be the priority - perhaps when he has had a chance to talk with a counsellor he will begin to feel clearer about whether he wants to talk to his dad/take further action.

He is obviously ready to talk about this now, so perhaps you could help him by seeking out local counselling services?

my heart goes out to you&your dh,you poor things,just be there for him no matter what&support whatever it is he decides to do
sorry i cant be of any help i just was so sorry for you both i wanted to post
goodluck
xx

oh god i am so sorry for you both. is he willing to prosicute? maybe more people will come forward.

i know he doesnt want trouble but i think his dad needs to smack him one

Your poor DH at least he can see that he needs councelling, that is a positive step.

All you can do is be there for him. Always reinforce that it was NEVER his fault. He has nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about.

Do you have children??? IMO people who open up and confront their abuse are the ones who make damned decent parents (me included, my step-father started on me when I was 8).

Be prepeared for some very rough times and I hope it all works out for you and your DH.

So sorry for your dh. But something needs to be done about his uncle, in case he's still doing it. This horrible man needs to be stopped before he ruins someone else's life too.

delicatematter, how dreadful for you and your husband. He's really lucky to have someone supportive like you around, but don't feel that you have to sort all of this out for him, there are plenty of people out there who have expertise in counselling people who've survived this sort of ordeal. The \link{http://www.napac.org.uk/\National Assn for People Abused in Childhood} has a helpline and a lawyer about reporting abuse etc.

Might it be a good idea for your dh to receive some counselling and start working through this before telling his Dad? Just wondered if could have some 'coping' mechanisms in place that might help them both.

Isn't he lucky to have you to support him

yes we do have children, a DS and a DD.
He is a wonderful father, i couldnt ask for a better one, he says what has made him want to confront his past is that he can feel himself withdrawing from DS.

I felt frightened when he said that as i didnt know what he meant but he said that he is finding it difficult as DS likes lots of cuddles and i have noticed that DH has been withdrawn from him for a long time.

He finds it hard to show affection/be comforting to me in the best of times so now i know why and its not that he,s a cold person as i thought, oh the things ive said to him over the last few years about being unfeeling and not having any emotions i feel so bad.

I would echo what the others have said in that your dh will definitely benefit from counselling. As he has already said that he feels he needs counselling he has taken the first step towards coming to terms with, and then dealing with what he has been through. However, I also think that you yourself might benefit from counselling, for lots of reasons. Firstly you need to come to terms with the fact that you have lived with a man for several years who has had this secret in his past which he has not shared with you. Essentially the man you married isn’t the man you thought he was. You thought he was unemotional and unfeeling, and yet he was carrying this secret around that, until recently, he didn’t feel comfortable sharing even with you. Initially it’s natural to want to be with him and help him through this, and that feeling is most likely to last, however once he has been to his counselling you might be left with questions as to why he didn’t tell you etc, and if you have counselling yourself that might help you to deal with these questions before they arise. Secondly, the fact that your dh is now ready to talk about what happened in his past may mean that things about him might change. If he’s ready to face up to his past, including telling his parents and potentially confronting the relative who did this to him, it’s not unlikely that he might change as a person. I recently did an introduction to counselling course, and the guy who ran the course is a counsellor of adults who have been sexually abused as children. He was saying that often people who have counselling to come to terms with abuce change dramatically, and often it’s very hard for their partners to come to terms with this, and it’s often benefitial for the partner to have some counselling as well to deal with the changes in their partner.

You both have a tough time ahead of you, don’t feel you have to do it on your own, good luck xx

i have thought about him changing and tbh it makes me feel scared.
I want him to be happy and to be able to get through this and be there for him but i know that things are bound to change.

it was probably my fault that all thus has come out because we had just been arguing about his lack of support when he told me.

delicatematter, please don't think of "fault" when it comes to you or your dh. the blame here all lies with the abuser. the fact that your dh confided in you is a terrific vote of confidence in you, imagine how hard it must be to tell someone after keeping it secret for so long. and although it will be a painful journey, it means that you both can have a new beginning without all of the baggage associated with the abuse being hidden (and therefore damaging any relationships your dh has).

thanks bundle thats are really nice positive way to look at this horrible situation

Just to give you all an update.
DH has told his dad about his uncle and the abuse, he said his dad went very quiet and then said he is "going to f,ing knock him out"
FIL said to DH "you have just knocked something on the head for me" apparantely when uncle has his 4 daughters over at the weekend (he is not with ex-wife) they have a hold over him and always threaten him woth "we,ll tell girlfriend" FIL hasnt been able to work out before what they meant but now he and DH think that uncle was abusing his girls as well.
FIL also said that uncle abused and beat his wife up but noone in the family apart from him believed her.
DH and FIL also think that DH brother may have been abused as he seems to have problems and also that DH cousin, as he wet himself until 15/16 and now wont tolerate uncle or be in the same room as him.
What an awful person to do this
FIL is going round to his sisters today and they are having a family meeting.
I have DH that the police should be involved now even if the other children from the family dont come forward the fact that he abused DH is bad enough(what he did was disgusting, DH has finally told me and FIL what uncle did and made him do and he wants stringing up)
Feel really really proud of DH for being brave enough to do this.

My heart is breaking for your Dh. I was abused by my father for a few years, I was also witness to the abuse he give my sister. He would touch her in front of me and those are the worst type of memories to carry with me. I finally cracked up when I was 24 and had just given birth to a dd. I couldn;t get it into my head that someone who is supposed to love you would abuse you like that. I had 18months of counselling and confronted by 4 sisters which 3 of them confirmed he had abused them too. The 4th one, who is the baby of the family, denies it happening to her.
I was asked by my counsellor to prosecute him, I talked to my DH and my sisters and decided I couldn;t go ahead with prosecution as it would kill my mother, she hates peadophiles with a passion and for her to think she had failed her girls in this way against their own father would tear her apart. His day will come though, of that I have no doubt.
Please tell your dh the best thing he can possible do is be the best Father possible to his son and make up for his own bad childhood by giving his son the best he possibly can. Is there a branch of NEXUS near you at all?
\link{http://www.napac.org.uk/support/groups/detail.asp?id=144nexuswebsite}

Sorry if link didn't work, I have never did one before.

\link{http://www.napac.org.uk/support/groups/detail.asp?id=144}

again?

sorry

\link{http://www.napac.org.uk/support/groups/detail.asp?id=144nexuswebsite\Here}

www.napac.org.uk/support/groups/detail.asp?id=144 that's the actual URL if you want to copy and paste into your browser.

Thanks LadySherlockofLGJ I don't know why, but that link I give must have been wrong.

Thanks for the link The mammy, i hope you dont mind me asking but do you know what would happen if DH were to go to the police?

He doesnt want to go to court but says he wants his uncle to be punished.

Will the police put him on the sex offenders register if DH reports him?

I have no idea, as I wasn't strong enough to go through with it. But with the support of his family (which I wasn't 100% sure of) and the support of the Nexus counsellors he will have the strength to report it to the police... Also, there is a forum that he might like to read and see what others are going through, I haven;t got a URL but it's called Angelsurvive forum, he might be able to google it?

DH is getting worried.
He saw his dad today and he didnt mention anything to him about what he had told him.
DH knows that FIL has been round to his sisters and that discussions will have taken place and the fact that his dad hasnt mentioned it has made him feel suspicious.
Ive got this feeling that it might be that the inlaws want to brush this under the carpet but DH says either his dad,s planning something or he doesnt know how to deal with what he has been told.
DH has made an appointment with his counsellor but he cant fit him in for another couple of weeks.
Tonight we were in a well known DIY store when i saw a girl that i knew from school.
It turned out years ago that her teacher (who also taught me) had been abusing her for a few months, when she grew up and had children of her own she went to the police, lots of other ex-pupils of his came forward and reported him as well, she even went on our local news when he got a 2 year sentence to say she was disgusted.
I told DH about her but he didnt say anything.
I know that its going to take time but i want to go up to his uncles house and stamp all over him, the thought of him when we have been at family gatherings with DS present and other young kids makes me want to throw up.