STBX constantly trying to get money out of me

[Noregrets78]

Experiences / advice / moral support gratefully received!

In a nutshell - mid-way through the divorce process, but have got nowhere on sorting the finances. We own a house (which I'm living in) and a static home (which he's living in). I work full-time, he has walked in and out of jobs for the last 6 years, and is currently unemployed. DD (8) spends 4 nights a week with me, and 3 nights a week with him.

Separation has been a bit like pulling teeth. He has finally applied for benefits as a single person (originally on the basis we were separated but living under the same roof). I continue to pay for his mobile phone bill and car insurance, for no good reason. He comes and goes from the house as he likes, which sadly he seems to be entitled to do as he's still the joint owner. He was here for hours today, with the heating up full, eating my food. I usually give him food for when DD goes to stay, so that I know she's eating OK.

He is broke, yet again. He's run up around a grand of debt in the last 4 months, don't think on anything big, just food, petrol, cigarettes and beer, because he can't live within the JSA he gets. He has now said that if I don't help him out he needs to move back in the house.

I've made clear he shouldn't be any better off by moving back in - that he is not entitled to eat my food and live off me while claiming benefits as a single man. He just keeps saying that we're not divorced yet, and generally making me feel guilty.

I've agreed that if we can make progress on agreeing a financial arrangement, then I may be able to 'advance' him some cash, on the assumption that it is deducted from any final settlement. I'm going round there tomorrow after school drop off to talk about it.

Not sure what I'm asking really. I'm nervous about going round, but at least if I'm there, then I can leave if I need to - he's been very aggressive in the past, has never hit me, but hugely intimidating and had to call the police last week :-(

I refuse to be bribed like this, and he really takes offence if I call it bribery. But that's what it is. He knows I don't want him back in the house, and uses it constantly as a tool.

Phew feels better just getting it all down on 'paper'. I just never know how best to handle him, really i just want it all over with and for him to live his own life without leeching off me.

Don't give him money, you have yourself Dd and the house to pay for.
Go and see a solicitor to see what you can do about him letting himself in and eating your food and turning up the heat all day while you are at work, that doesn't sound right at all.
Whatever you do, don't let him move back, he'll suck you dry.

you're right, of course. It's the power he has over me, that whatever I do, i get no thanks, and I come away feeling guity that I haven't done more. I absolutely can't wait to be rid of him, but even then I'll worry about him!

The really stupid thing is that my best friend is always saying that I make it worse - that if i didn't continue to support him he might actually get a job. But I worry that he'd rather be homeless living under a bridge (and still making me feel guilty).

i need to grow a backbone! Why do men like that pick on stupid empathetic people like me. Oh i think I just answered my own question.

Your friend is right. Listen to her. Who gives a toss if he is living under a bridge? He has a choice, and is choosing to mooch of you instead of supporting himself and living within his means. And anyway, you know that he wont end up living in a cardboard box, he will just find another sucker to mooch off.

He is using your guilt to his advantage. As that Grange Hill gang sang "Just say no!". He is not your problem anymore.

Get to your solicitor asap and get an occupation order, that means that he cant just move back in if he runs out of money. Keep him dangling with "I might be able to give you a few hundred next week/month" until you have the order. And make sure that his debts are not registered at your home.

I have previously spoken to my solicitor about an Occupation Order - they really only get granted in cases of domestic violence. Although he has been violent, he hasn't been 'bad enough' to get an Occupation Order. Apparently they're also regarded as draconian, and there's a risk I could end up on the wrong end of it, e.g. being required to move out on 'his' nights with DD.

unfortunately any debts he has are registered at my home - it's still his postal address. He's living in our static home on a caravan site a couple of miles away (which we used to live in while we rented out our house), which doesn't have a secure way of receiving post, so he's still registered here. Oh and so that he doesn't have to pay council tax on the caravan lols.

He is absolutely using my guilt, and also my fear that he'll move back in. I'm hoping the option of 'advancing' him some cash on the financial settlement will work (I'll be buying him out of the house eventually), but we'll see. Thanks all.

Hmm....he thinks he has you all ways til Tuesday doesnt he?

Well he doesnt. If you can, then advance him cash to keep him out but, and this is a big but, make sure that you and he sign something (in the presence of a witness if you can) that this advance is to be taken out of his settlement.

It may sound OTT but if he is desperate for the money then he will do it and you can use it to make sure that he doesnt then get that money again when you buy him out.

Also, make sure that your financial records are kept seperate with Equifax etc. He may be registered at your address but as long as your name is not on his debts then they can knock on your door but they cant take your money.

When you sign a form to claim JSA there is a part where you have to inform them of any other money coming in or any money that you are given.
So you could always ask him if he plans to inform the Job Centre about any money you may give him.

I was thinking of getting him to confirm by email - do you think that would be enough?

With JSA I already think he's on shaky ground - as he hasn't changed his address he has a single claim on the basis we're separated but living under same roof. I believe they're quite strict on that - you have to be properly separated, and him helping himself to my food, me paying his mobile and car insurance doesn't really support that.

No advice on the house/money, but you need to sort out boundaries big time with this man. Stop talking to him, stop seeing him, stop giving him food, stop helping him, stop mothering him. He is intimidating you, you have no need to have any direct contact with him whatsoever. If you are unsure what boundaries to set, read up on it, ask here, talk to a friendly therapist who can help you work it out, call womens aid.

I think if I were in your shoes, I would get advice from your solicitor, get that divorce moving. Talk to CAB and anyone else you can to get advice about him being in your home. Log with the police every incident of intimidation. I cannot fathom anyone will say you need to live with a man who intimidates you.

and stop paying his insurances and phone. Today. Just stop!!

What an awful cocklodger! A classic of the species...

Why not come over and see us on the EA support thread and get some moral support. You need boundaries lady, and a bit of determination to get him out of your life (and your bank account)

We have an army of supporters brandishing sharpenened kitchen implements to give back up!

I also think you're approaching this wrong. There's no use appealing to his better nature because he's obviously very single-minded about everyone else owing him a living. Whatever you have to do to get the divorce finalised financially, just get on and do it. Give him a final offer to sign, tell him that's his lot, and don't communicate beyond that. Certainly don't advance him cash conditional on the final settlement or you'll never get shot of him

Don't give him any money. You'll NEVER get it back.

And stop paying for his phone and insurance. You're not being empathetic, you're being a bit pathetic, to tell the truth. Don't be taken advantage of like this.

Hard to hear, but you're probably right. I am being pathetic. In my defence, he can move back in at any time, and is constantly threatening to do that.

As for giving him money, I'm not lending him anything with a view to getting it back, I agree I never will. I'm advancing some of what he will be due when I buy him out of the house. I've done that today, and got him to sign a bit of paper saying this is part of the financial settlement, which my solicitor has advised will be sufficient.

We had a really good discussion this morning, and have verbally agreed how to split the finances. I'm going to get it drawn up into a consent order, and then once I've bought him out of the house I'll be able to change the locks.

Glad you've reached an agreement. Good luck