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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i can't bear my DP

18 replies

Totallytrapped · 23/05/2006 23:33

He's a miserable spoilt self-pitying bitchy drunk and i'm sick of him making me feel shit about myself. i'm a better person than I am with him. If i'm nasty it's because he is, and i have every right ot defend myself, my family and my way of doing things. He's lazy and ungrateful. He's the worst choice i've ever made, but i can't think that because dd is the best thing that ever happened. I feel like he's undermining every aspect of my life and my personality. I need to be so strong to resist his poison. Sorry to bring things down, but he's just brought me down and i needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

controlfreaky2 · 23/05/2006 23:37

so what was he like when you met him / started relationship with him and decided to have a child with him??
what's happened to him / you?

Original poster

Totallytrapped · 23/05/2006 23:52

Back then he was exciting and exotic, clever, naughty, dangerous. None of us had responsibilities. Now he's not exciting and exotic, just a bit washed up, self-pitying, lazy, resentful, self-absorbed and irresponsible. He probably hasn't changed, it's just that the situation has, and everyone else has grown up around him.
Our daughter was an accident. I wanted to keep her. He said he wasn't fit to be a father. We agreed that I would do all the hard work and he'd only do the fun bits.
He adores her. She has improved all our lives. I still do everything - for her and for the house.
I want to be able to love and care for someone without resenting it. I want to be able to talk to another adult. I want someone to recognise everything I do and tell me i do a decent job.

OP posts:

holliec · 23/05/2006 23:53

i am in a crap marriage too.why are some men so awful.is it only when hes been drinking or other times.at least you can console yourself with the fact that from a bad choice youve got your child.things may be better tommorrow..good luck

Original poster

Totallytrapped · 23/05/2006 23:55

sorry to hear that Holliec. of course you're right, things will be better tomorrow. I'm not always this miserable. And every now and then, in a sober window, we actually have a laugh. Any chance of yours improving?

OP posts:

Angsthase · 23/05/2006 23:58

What are we talking about here "resist his poison": Drink, Drugs, controlling behaviour, mental cruelty?

Angsthase · 23/05/2006 23:59

sorry, cross posted, sounds like I got the wrong end of the stick.

Original poster

Totallytrapped · 24/05/2006 00:00

Just his nastiness. that i'm stupid, that I'm a bitch, that my mother is stupid and a slag, that i'm unkind and unfair to him. I know it's not true. I know he can't see things straight, but it's hard to have to keep building myself up.

OP posts:

holliec · 24/05/2006 00:02

about as likely as it being boiling hot weather tommorrow.i made a crap choice,thought he was stable loving turned out to be a shortass bully.have plodded on looking after his children and mine for 6 years,6 years wasted,people tell me to leave ,which is what id probably say but its so hard to make that final move,ive only got one boy of mine at home now but husband and step daughter are just unbearable,god knows what i ever saw in him,i think,having shit in your eyes probably describes what happened to me when i met him.

Angsthase · 24/05/2006 00:03

Sounds like he gets off on undermining your confidence and self-esteem. That sucks.

Is he using this as a way of covering up his own insecurities?

Original poster

Totallytrapped · 24/05/2006 00:08

I know Hollie. We'd all be so much wiser looking in from the outside. We all know what our friends and families think, but it's hard to break up a family and certainly in my case I made my bed. Still, you never know there might yet be a heatwave tomorrow!
Angsthase - yes, it's absolutely to cover his own insecurities. But knowing that doesn't make it easier to deal with. And it's frustrating because what i really want to do is help him get his life on track, but he's too stubborn and ungracious to accept help.

OP posts:

holliec · 24/05/2006 00:08

you are not all the things he says and he insults youre mother to hurt you.when hes saying it say to yourself..its all rubbish.often men wear you down and if they say it enough you start to doubt yourself.they also know exactly what to say to hurt you.there are many other women in unhappy relationships but i have found talking about it helps and makes you feel stronger

Original poster

Totallytrapped · 24/05/2006 00:14

you're right Hollie. Part of the reason he's so nasty about my mother is that he knows I have been honest with her about him. It does help to talk, but it's hard to find the right person. I tend to put on a brave face with friends (even though they get the picture anyway). I tried going to Relate on my own, but I just found that I felt too sorry for the counsellor to tell her the whole story. She seemed so nice and calm and reasonable that I just thought if I tell her everything her head will spin round and fly off.

OP posts:

holliec · 24/05/2006 00:14

think yourself lucky,ive made 2 crap choices,this one and a previous 10 year marriage to a chronic alcoholic,whos been dry for 6 years.went through drying out clinics,antabuse tablets,robert smith unit..we had 2 children.there was no reasoning with him.when i finally threw him out id lost all confidence and it took me years to make my next bad choice.

Original poster

Totallytrapped · 24/05/2006 00:18

well you're doing bloody well to sound so philosophical about it. and as long as you're learning as you go - avoid alcoholics and shortarses next time. I know i will.

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holliec · 24/05/2006 00:19

my mum and dad were big believers in "youve made your bed now lie in it" so thats why now with this marriage ive stayed rather than admit its one big disaster.i feel like ive failed although hes the one with the problems.read my thread youll probably feel bl**dy hell,mines not so bad after all..see..why wont he stand up for me

holliec · 24/05/2006 00:21

got to laugh about it.as you know ,its all about putting on a front and pretending it doesnt hurt.my husband doesnt drink,hes just a bully.

Original poster

Totallytrapped · 24/05/2006 00:32

A pretty big bully to judge by your thread. I can only echo what others have said. You deserve better. In my DP's defence, he's never hit me, and I don't think he ever would.
You really need to think about how to move on from where you are now. It must be exhausting to be living with such hostility, and it must hurt your daughters to see it. Move on, but make sure you don't lose everything you've worked hard for. He really does sound dreadful and I've glad you've found support here. I'm in London, so not that far away. Feel free to shout me on a thread anytime and I'll be happy to be a listening ear. (Sorry, not set up for CAT)

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holliec · 24/05/2006 00:39

at least you can see that i have worked hard and why should i lose out.its easy to say leave but all my work has been to help my children so why should he benefit.i cant lose my livelihood,it cost enough to live in this part of the country as it is.i will leave but ill be damned if its under his threats

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