Divorce/mediation & solicitors - experiences please?

[catkin14]

I know this is not totally relationships but please bear with me?

I left my EA manipulative H of 26 years ago over 2 months ago, after much wailing he now agrees I did the right things and we must divorce immediately. Which is great.

Except that he says solicitors/mediators make the process more painful than it needs to be and he wants us to be friends for DC's sake and he doesnt want to fall out over it.

Fine apart from wanting finances split 75%/25% in his favour...
He is very high earner and i have been a sahm for 12 years..

I have told him he needs legal advice, that we cannot divorce without a judge agreeing our Financial settlement (I have a solicitor!).

But if you have divorced did you find solicitors made it all worse? I just dont see how this can be settled without them after such a long marriage and quite a lot of money involved. And I dont have the knowledge to deal with it alone.
Thanks

The key word in your post is manipulative. He will not be able to manipulate your solicitor or the legal process, which is why he wants solicitors kept out of the equation.

You need a solicitor to protect your interests and act for you so that you are not manipulated. This may mean that you do not end up friends, as he will not like this, though you (through your sol) can keep stressing that you wish to keep the process amicable, how he responds is up to him.

Your solicitor will also advise him to seek legal advice. No-one can make him do this, but I suspect that once your solicitor starts to make your case and insist upon a reasonable financial settlement, he will revert to a solicitor double quick to protect his own interests, and yes, it will be adversarial, unless you go to mediation, but even then, as you describe him as manipulative, I would probably not agree to this in the first instance without solid legal advice as to where you should be drawing the boundaries and what you should be insisting upon.

I have to say that my solicitor has so far been worth every penny I have paid her, but my ex and I are not friends. We are civil for DCs sake, which is something different. But I am fine with that, because I left the marriage and we don't need to be friends.

Hi catkin14,

Do NOT agree to a 75/25% split in his favour. He is trying to bully you into taking it without a lawyer's involvement, don't do it. If you get a good lawyer, he knows he will be in trouble as you MIGHT end up with most of the equity. I just saw a lawyer so everything is fresh is my mind. Basically, I paid for the lawyer's time (over £200, in London) for an hour and she ran through our financial situation. The split at the moment is very amicable (few wobbles here and there though!) and we have almost agreed on the financials and the way my lawyer sees it moving forward - She said we can go down the mediation route but she thinks my OH and I will be throwing money down the drain as she thinks we can agree on the financials by ourselves. So basically, we can either go for a DIY divorce or if OH wants to pay the court costs, he can file for a divorce through his lawyer, he/she can draft up what he tells her to and we proceed that way. I can then either instruct my lawyer to handle the whole divorce or I can just pay her as and when I feel I need to see her and obviously the costs for that will vary quite a lot!

How old are your DCs? The most important thing she told me was that if the case goes before a judge, the welfare of the children will come first. You work on a half-half split as a starting point but if you are the resident caregiver and a SAHM (so unable to raise a mortgage on yourself), the judge can rule that you will keep the matrimonial home (as long as it is not excess to your needs - 1 bedroom for each person living there) until your youngest is 18. If you do decide to sell up and buy somewhere new, the judge can decide on an uneven split of assets based on your mortgage raising capabilities so you might end up with the bulk of your equity so you can buy a place for yourself and your children so don't take the split your ExH is proposing, you need to think about how you will be able to live and house your children. And it also depends on the ages of your DCs as well Obviously, things are a lot more complex legally but am just trying to give you an overview...

I think it is wise you have a lawyer. OH and I are trying to keep things amicable and I don't want anything from him other than a roof over our heads and enough money so the boys don't suffer too much from a change in lifestyle. But what was sobering to hear from my lawyer was that our income will now be split between two households so our lifestyles will not be of the same standard as before. It really sucks especially when 3 months ago, I was in a seemingly happy marriage... And to be honest, the fact that whatever I get from the 'marital assets' pot, he won't get and vice versa is going to make the process in itself not pleasant... Best of luck! I think you sound like you have a wise head on your shoulder... Don't let your ExH walk all over you!

Get a solicitor. They can advise you on what is reasonable & fair and what isn't. You can take this knowledge forward and agree the details amicably between you but you will be operating from an informed base and that's crucial. It's only when you get the solicitors to literally argue on your behalf that the costs go up but, if he's trying to pull the wool over your eyes (and manipulative, controlling types hate losing), a few quid spent on legal fees is well worth it.

Don't agree to anything before you have spoken to a solicitor. First consultation might even be free - take as much info as you can on assets/finances to this meeting. Your H is manipulative - trying to rush you, panic you, avoid you getting proper information, doing you out of what's rightfully yours etc. The only reason that someone would want you to not have proper legal support is that they are trying to pull a fast one.

X-Post with Cogito

" The only reason that someone would want you to not have proper legal support is that they are trying to pull a fast one."

I think this warrants a Facebook-style 'like' and you should print it out in big bold letters and paste it somewhere you can see it daily. :)

Thanks for all replies.
I have a solicitor waiting, I would not be able to deal with this man without. He too has been worth his money.
I also left him and dont need to be friends, Im not sure really why he wants to stay friends, he already has another woman by the looks of things.
And at the end of the day it will only be as expensive as he makes it by arguing?
My DC is 14, other 2 DC's have left home.
But solicitor says a judge will not agree the Financial Statement which has to be done without all finances being fair.
Why do some men consider what their wife has done for so many years to be worthless?

Yes, arguing through the solicitor is expensive because every letter and phone-call has a fee attached. And as for why he thinks you're worthless... because all selfish people think they are entitled to trample over everyone else to get what they want. It's nothing personal, it's just that he's a greedy, entitled, unfeeling bastard. :)

Who cares if he wants to be friends?
Who cares what he thinks or values?
Who cares which poor sod he's bullying and shagging now?
Eyes on the prize....get your solicitor earning his/her money and working to get you what you are due.
Good luck...it will be worth it!

Cogito couldnt have put it better myself! His selfishness is almost breathtaking!

Lovingfreedom good way to put it thanks.

Not how I thought life would be really, just goes to show!

Another vote for letting your solicitor do the negotiating.

I was in your situation and my EA exH wanted to settle it all between us "to save money". The hardest thing was explaining that I was getting a solicitor because no, I was not happy to negotiate with him direct, and no I did not think I would get a fair deal if he was in charge. He hissed and huffed but had no choice in the matter. My solicitor spotted him immediately as a controlling bully and guided me cheerily through the process.

XH conducted the conversation at mediation sessions but as he had "saved money" by not talking to his solicitor he was unaware of what he could have asked for. I got a really good deal which I will pay a couple of thousand for now, but will repay me many times over in the long run.

In a nutshell find someone you like then trust them to guide you through. If your XH doesn't like it tough!

Thanks lemondrizzled sounds as if we may have been married to same man!
I am about to send an email to Ex H explaining that i will be going through solicitor and he has choice whether to or not.
Look for bright lights in sky where exH has exploded!

Similar story with me too. My ex didn't appoint a solicitor cos he thought they were a waste of money. He did all the negotiating with me, I ran everything by my solicitor, naturally. Then when he did eventually appoint a solicitor he tried to re-start negotiations but by then I was like 'er no, starting negotiations from scratch means that all trust has gone and we'll have to let the courts decide'. I ended up with a decent deal, in the circumstances.

Pleased you've got a solicitor, but you might find it helpful to do some background reading too.

Hi

Its worth remembering that court rules (the Family Proceedings Rules) say that you can't get divorce or an order from the court settling property and finances without first at least trying meditation. You're not being ordered to mediate - because mediation is a voluntary process. You are being directed to an initial assessment and information meeting (called a MIAM).

angel1976: its a little odd that your solicitor advised you not to go to mediation but to agree the financial issues yourselves. A mediator won't give advice, but will give both parties impartial information on the principles the courts will use to review any agreement about property/pensions/finance.

A good mediator can stop a party from trying to manipulate the situation and correct any power imbalances. This can also help if the other side's lawyers are being overly pushy and the other party doesn't have a representative.

That said, if there has been domestic abuse, and particularly if the DA is still going on or there is a police investigation, then the situation may not be suitable for mediation. However, if there is/has been DA, then this may mean the situation qualifies for legal aid funding.

Mediation can help in the long term if you/your ex want to stay in contact or otherwise have an amicable separation (it can happen!) and it can be particularly useful where you have children as it can help you to remember that you are still parents and so you can focus on that ongoing role.

As ever, the above is for information and is not legal advice.