Think my family are treating my gran like s### - what do you think?

[chocolatequeen]

My gran, who is 85 is in amazing health - she walks miles everyday, and is generally pretty robust. However, she is starting to get forgetful, and also panicky when she isn´t totally clear about plans or instructions etc. Usual old agey things I think, but she can get confused and will often call 2 or 3 times a day to ask repetitive questions. Anyway, she lives a 15 minute walk from my aunt, who is working part time and has 5 kids (she recently walked out on her husband, who is devastated). My gran is round at hers every day (as she has been for the past 20 years) cleaning, tidying, picking up the smalls (who are 8) from school, taking them to her house and feeding them even when their older siblings could be helping out. She also takes their crazy unloved dog out every day for exercise, and was recently pulled over into the road by it. I´ve only just found out about this (I live abroad) and am horrified. The dog is my 14 year old cousins who is perfectly capable of walking it herself. I just cannot believe that my aunt is letting this go on, although I know that my gran wants to do it too although partially because she feels sorry for kids and dog and wants to do something. I guess I want my aunt to sort her own bloody family out and not let my gran do so much. However, as I don´t live nearby, I don´t think i can say much - I think it will turn into a big family fight and my poor gran will get dragged in. I´m just fed up and desparately sad that the matriach of this family is being treated like a servant by people who should know better. As I´m not around much, I don´t know if I´m in the best position to step in. I just think that she should be enjoying the last years of her life without all this.

Anyone got any ideas?

my grandma is in her 80s and i let her help me out whenever possible because it makes her feel useful and not a burden (her words). she is occasionally forgetful but i have never considered her to be incapable of what i ask her to do.

have you considered maybe she does enjoy helping out her family?

kind of agree with ggg - in her position, if I had the energy and health, I would rather be actively helping out and being a part of a vibrant family life and knowing I was useful

I'd rather drop dead from exhaustion looking after my grandchildren than spend another 20 years sitting in my armchair knitting

Interesting angle. I agree, I think she enjoys some of it, but some I think she feels she has to do as her mother. Tricky one. Thanks though.

i think we probably all do stuff because we feel we have to, and i fully expect to be doing so when i am your grans age (if i get that far!). she is still a mum remember! i think unless someone closer to the situation (such as your gran) expresses concern (assuming there are others around beside your aunt) i would assume she wants to do it.

maybe your gran is lonely and likes to help out as much as she can as it gets her out from being on her own. who told you everything she does - could it have been exaggerated a bit?

i think your gran would be lost without her role.

and your her grandaughter - your no match for her actual daughter when it comes to family fall outs - you'll end up worse off

I think leave well alone as well. It sounds like your gran is very happy, tbh. So many elderly people are completely marginalised by their families, and she's totally integral to hers. One of the worse things you can do to elderly people, is to impose idleness on them. It could also be that she insists on doing stuff - I occasionally tell my mother (71) to leave my bloody kitchen alone, I'm perfectly capable of cleaning it myself, but she won't - she'll do it all, including scraping all the tefal off the saucepans. I've resigned myself to the fact that she wants to clean up my house (can't think why). If she's not up to it though, she will just sit on the sofa and read the sun (which I then have to put at the bottom of the Guardians so am not embarrassed by the re-cyclers and neighbours noting its presence). I suspect your Gran may have the same kind of set up.

I totally agree with all of you - thanks so much. I want her to be totally involved in family life, and I do think she gets a lot out of it. She loves taking care of the kids, and they love being with her too. It´s more the fact that my aunt doesn´t tolerate the forgetfulness, and gets frustrated with her when she gets worried about stuff, but then still expects her to take care of the kids and do stuff for her. My aunt has always relied heavily on her, and I think my gran feels she can´t stop helping now. I just wish there was a better balance I guess. No-one ever just pops in to see her unless they want something, except my brother who goes to see her every wednesday evening for supper, and has done for 10 years since my grand father died. Noone else seems to do things with her that she might like to do, and it breaks my heart. Maybe I´m just sentimental. I would just like it to be more balanced and people to enjoy being with her and talking to her and spending time with her.