Don't see the point in living

[DrHolmes]

All i want in life is to have a house, have a husband and have a baby.

I am living with my bf in his parents house, i can't stand it anymore. I get no space, no time to myself, cant cook without my partners mum looking over my shoulder. They drink a lot and can be very loud, always have music on which comes straight up into our room. Think living with neighbour from hell.

Next: bf and I have been together 3 years. He knows I want to be engaged/married but he says he wants a house first.
All my friends are married or have a house or a baby or all three. I feel like I am dragging behind.

My parents do not live in the UK but came over a few weeks ago and viewed some property and put an offer in on a house. The idea was me and my partner would live in it and pay rent then maybe in 5-10 years my parents would come back and it'd be their retirement home.
The seller has been a nightmare and now the sale has fallen through.
I am miserable. I had all my hopes set on this. I was so happy me and my partner would finally be on our own to start our real life. I also thought the next stage would then be marriage and baby.

All of this has come tumbling down. I cant get a mortgage yet because i have a couple of defaults on my account and i have no savings for a deposit. my partner has his own business but only 1.5 years of books and also no savings so we have no deposit. When i looked into a mortgage on my own even with defaults there was only one lender willing to lend on a property min val 90k but only a 70% mortgage so i'd have to have 27k...how am i going to get that? It will take years.
My parents wont be looking again, it was a spur of the moment kind of thing so now i am on my own and dont know what to do.

My plan has all gone to pot and i really dont see the point in living. Everyone else seems to have it all.
I have just sat here crying for 2 hours.
I know people say if it wasn't meant to be it wasn't meant to be but that's not good enough! When i found out about what was happening with the seller as i was driving home from work thinking about just speeding and coming off the road. I really do not see how my life will get better and the things I want to happen will take so long I don't want to be miserable for years before it all happens.

oh x-posts on age.

There is no rush. Your mum is right - if you can't afford a home, you can't afford a baby.

Hmm, that's a long day you do already, by the sounds!

Yes, he runs his business from his parents house. Which is great as he couldnt have set it up in the first place otherwise.
The great thing about the house that we were going to move to was that he would have been able to do it from our house.
This is the big thing. Sorry, i should have made it clearer earlier.

I do go to zumba on a thursday night and usually on a sat we go round to friends.
I was looking forward to having freinds round to ours though! Theres so many things i was looking forward to, even just little things like that.
We rarely have people over here because his parents just sit in the same room with us and dont get that we just want some time on our own!
Alibaba - I am 26. Out of the 1300 i get, £250 goes on fuel, £40 on phone (this will be first month of 15 quid), £150 on rent, £100 on credit card, £200 food, £400 of savings, £50 sky, £40 gym and whatever isleft mightbe on a night out once a month, clothes for work, presents for bdays etc etc

I think that unfortunately this is part of the problem with being with a younger man. Not necessarily, obviously, because everyone is different, but broadly speaking you are always going to be the one who feels in a hurry because you are older, and you have biology against you in terms of having children.
What you have to think about is that in 5 years time you will be 31, and he will only just be 30. Will he be in a different mindset or will he still be feeling like a young man with his whole life to do marriage and babies, while you are beginning to wonder about your fertility?

I don't mean to be harsh or scare you, but I have seen several friends waste their 20s with men who told them not to be in a hurry. In many cases the relationships broke down when people were about 30, and women then found themselves having to start again in their early 30s.
One friend who had been in a relationship all through her 20s and struggled to get her DP to commit is now married, but he is now pushing the plan for babies back and back. She is 34 and has been with this guy since she was 19. I really do worry for her.

I think (and hope) that by the time he is 30 he will want it all.
Well he already says he does want it just not yet. I understand that he is only 25 and that boys usually realise a while later what they want compared to girls so i do have that going against me.
That is fine for now, I do not want a baby this year or next. I really just want a house right now!
I would like to have had a baby by the age of 30-31 max really.
He is a nice person and he isn't like a going out lad or anything. For his age he is actually pretty sensible and maybe i should listen to him more and not rush at everything. I mean, maybe if have the house marriage and baby i'll be waiting for the next thing and then the next thing and the next thing. Maybe i won't stop and then I'll have wished my life away.
Och just sad. I am feeling better having typed it all out though.

£250 on fuel sounds a lot! Is that for travelling to/from work? If so, could you rent somewhere on your own, close to work and have your bf stay over a few times a week. If you could find a room for £400, you'd be no worse off than now, with the fuel+rent costs, you'd have your own space and you could start saving the £400/month towards a deposit for buying...

Also, not living together might give your bf a slight kick up the rear and motivate him to start saving too, bringing your goal a bit closer

But I really think you need to see this as a medium-term goal, rather than something you can realistically expect to acheive right now. Make it your 5-year plan (or by your 30th birthday, maybe), to have met at least 2 of those 3 goals.

£400 x 12 is almost £5K a year. In 5 years you'll have around £25K. More if your bf joins in. Maybe you could make a spreadsheet and chart your progress to keep you motivated?

I can understand why you're feeling frustrated.

But many are in the same (or similar) boat. Its just a case of getting through it with your eye firmly on the goal.

You were going to rent the house off your parents before the sale went through. So why not look for a similar property that you could rent (although i appreciate it might be difficult with your DP's business).

Cut out the gym and sky.

Why are you paying 100 credit card - is this arrears or monthly purchases? If the corner, then pay it off before you start saving. If its monthly spends then try to cut this down?

Is 200 food for both of you? You could probably cut that considerably.

I'm sure its tough living with his parents. So the sooner you out together a plan the better.

Thanks Vitamin. When I see it like that having 25k in five years would be worth it plus whatever my partner can save.

Yes, unfortunately the £250 is for fuel. But where I work the rent rates are sky high! If I move closer to work I am moving further from my grandparents, all friends and bf. My bf wouldnt come to stay as he has to get up early for walks and also dogs boarding etc he can't leave them.

I will have a look though to see if it is an option.
When i was originally going to move in with my friend my bf said he was very sad and he was going to miss me so much etc. I think it would be hard not living together after living together for 2.5 years.

I also wouldn't rush the baby if you are knackered from getting up at 5.30am but being home from work by 5pm!

Yes the food is for us both. We prob could be a bit more savvy with that and shop around for things. We usually shop at Tescos but there is a lidle, iceland, farmfoods and co-op in our town and hear that a lot of their stuff is cheaper so I will start to shop around now.
There always seems to be other things too. Ikeep getting chips on my windscreen, had to get my winter tyres off, my cat got ill so had to pay a lot towards that even with insurance, there's always some "do" we have to go to or people wanting to see us etc. we do it all and spend a lot so that will have to stop. It all adds up so fast.

Thoughts - Haha fair point! No I am not rushing. It was just part of my plan and the plan is delayed so that is why i am sad.

I know it sounds harsh but the economy has changed so much the only way to have your own property is save very hard and have no luxuries at all, it's not so many decades ago that it was like that it's gone full circle again!

So Random, what would you do?

Put up with living in a place you feel yourself going crazy but can save a lot or rent and not save very much at all?

Are you self-employed, also, DrHolmes? If you are I think you should re-assess your tax situation (or if not, ask your employer to look into it). On 24K gross per annum, you should be on a monthly net of over £1500 in 2013/14. That is definitely a net figure (accounting for both tax and NI).

Given the monthly expenditure figures you have given, that would make a big difference to the amount you could save.
It sounds like you are paying to much tax. Check the gross/net figures for your boyfriend, too.

I would rent a nice place and save slowly. Buying really isn't the be all and end all, and I bet you'd feel a lot less stressed without living with his family.

If your boyfriend's parents place is quite spacious, that probably means the garden is too .... have you considered living in a static in a corner of the garden for say a couple of years to give yourselves time to save for a deposit? I know a few people that have done that quite successfully as long as it's fairly short-term.

No I am not self employed but it might be not showing correctly because I have my car through a salary sacrifice so my pay that comes into my bank each month already has my car payment taken off.

I will look at renting again but I don't really want to be separate from my partner :(

not "to much tax". I mean too much tax.

Eachand every - Yes well they do have a big garden, big enough for two plots. One already has services put in. His parents did say they would sell to us and we can build on it. Also we could put a static home on the other plot. I will look into this again but will still need some money to buy one in the first place. How much are they?

DrHolmes that's your call to make - not a pleasant choice I understand.

I'm fully expecting to have some or all of my dc (and perhaps partners?) living in hour house for long beyond I ever envisaged when I decided to have a large family. They are going to be in the same boat as you with regards to hoping to ever buy house and we live in the south east where housing is just unaffordable all round.

That's good news - sounds like a really good possibility. Someone I know got one recently on Ebay for about £350 - it was obviously second hand but was totally watertight and quite nice inside. Do a local search on Ebay is the best bet. Then the transportation could be a couple of hundred depending on how far away it is. But all of that is the equivalent of less than a months rent, and you could even sell it on when you've finished with it. Sorted!

Glad you're feeling better! It's actually normal that you were so demoralised when the house buy fell through. But you have already picked yourself up by the sounds of it.

Regarding buying a property.. That takes patience and should definitely be a five year plan. And tbh with currently inflated house prices the jury is out whether buying is actually better for the wallet (even though rents have gone up too)

Could you make your living situation better by drawing up some boundaries for yourself? Even though it is your PILs house, could you claim the kitchen for yourself at certain times? or Evenings / weekends not spent in the same room as in laws. Your bf should support this, the same way that you support his business by living in his parents house.

It really looks like things will come together for you because you sound switched on. Well, so chin up !

Your car fuel bill is big (you must do a huge mileage), but I can totally understand you not wanting to rent without your boyfriend. Have you thought of advertising (perhaps at work) for a car/journey sharer to split the cost with.