I need courage to leave.

[pewils]

That's it, really. Been with dh for 10 years during which time I've lost all my confidence. I used to have a professional career but am now not working. I've analysed this and I know correlation does not equal causation but he is very critical of me: EVERY decision is questioned. I'm at my wits end-he questioned today why I've so many umbrellas-4. Sounds trivial, but it's like this all the time. If I go to bed to read, he criticises my way of reading in bed.

He has a history of flirting online, making arrangements (he says he has not followed through, only did it cause 'bored'), chucks things in temper, broken lots of stuff.

Now he wants to do something called a female-led relationship, where I am in charge (!) I'm supposed to 'control' his behaviour as he is disorganised.

I know, deep down, I've got to leave but I simply lack the confidence. Help.

We have no children.

Making arrangements to meet other women, that is.

Again UGH!! What a nightmare. Please leave him. He sounds insufferable!

When I left a relationship that wasn't working after 10 years I thought it would be horrendously hard....it wasn't! Yes, telling my DP was hard but once it was over and I was on my own I literally felt physically lighter, as if a weight really had been lifted off my shoulders. I started to live life the way I wanted to live it, realising all my ideas had been sort of squashed for so long. I honestly didn't look back.

I'm lazy for not working. Christ, this sounds crap, but I worked continuously but now I don't think I can do anything.

I do understand. I have been in the same (brilliant) job for 13 years. No problem with that but I do feel scared of ever having to move. It is hard I know. You just sort of get used to things the way they are. Why did you stop working, if you don't mind me asking?

I would say he is mentally ill, but that would be an insult to people who genuinely are

Instead, he is a fucking tosser.

About 8 years ago. I feel ashamed but somehow my confidence is lost.

Did he encourage you to leave your job ? To isolate you, thus making it much easier to dismantle all your self esteem.

Can you move out and go back to live with a relative, your parents perhaps ?

I just felt I couldn't do my job any longer. I have a little money but not a great deal (lucky to inherit). I don't know how to survive anymore.

No there was no encouragement to leave the job on his part.

Now I've got to control him via use of cane and punishments. This is so bizarre.

Survive as in....? You mean you don't know how you would cope with finding a job or living on your own or the whole thing? The thing is you are worried about leaving him because you have lost your confidence but he seems to be the root of your loss of self esteem in the first place. I honestly think if you spent some time away from him you would see this and would start to regain some self esteem. Do you go out alot generally, have hobbies, friends that you do things with etc?

Crikey! That is unusual!

All of it. I feel in a bind; I don't feel confident to leave but won't be confident unless I leave. On an intellectual level I know this to be true.

Men like this always choose women who will go along with their controlling behaviour. They can only function in a relationship where they are in control and so they pick out women who are either vulnerable, trusting, just nice or not confident. They do it without thinking about it.

His 'female-led relationship' idea is probably the only way he knows how to make you feel you have any power in the relationship. He truly expects you to be grateful.

Do what you have to do pewils, don't discuss it with him and make sure you are going somewhere safe. Controlling men like this tend to turn when they realise they have lost their power. Do seriously consider going to a shelter if he becomes in any way menacing or threatening.

Tell a close friend and see if they can help you. Good luck.

Small steps then. I can imagine this is all very overwhelming. Is there anyone you could go and stay with for a while? That would be a good thing to do in the short term. Are you able to talk to friends about this?

I'm going to have to leave this thread as he is back soon. I know the Female led relationship thing makes me sound as if I'm making this up but, honestly, this IS true.

Keep messages coming, please.

Ok OP, take care.

Hide your history on the computer/phone, see if you can talk to a good friend who will help you. Womens Aid will help too but they take a while sometimes.

Good luck