How can I help my husband and marriage?

[Francescgrace]

I am struggling to see what's the best way forward here- any views most appreciated.

My husband seems to have become really withdrawn since the start of this year when I got pregnant with DC2 (planned). He's been super busy at work and also we have been having building work done which is quite stressful for him as he works from home. He's basically become incapable of thinking about anything beyond the next 5 minutes, grumpy with me, snappy with our 2.5 year old DS and generally grouchy all the time. He's not been at all excited about the baby. Things slightly came to a head last night when I tried to talk to him about it and he said he was worried about the sleep dep, how everyone keeps telling him two is far harder than one, that he couldn't remember any of the nice bits from last time but was 'trying to think of the positives'. The thing is that DS was a good baby and when he was only 7 wks we had a lovely dinner with champagne etc so it's not like we were in chaos for months.

I think he is depressed and needs to either get some counselling or take some time off work to chill and sort himself out. But I am so fed up of being the one to tell him how to feel better: doesn't there come a point where he has to think of these things himself? Or is that selfish? It's just that we've been together since 18 and are now 33 and I've always been the fixer but I'm getting so weary of that now: I need to know that he cares enough about us to try to sort himself out.

Any suggestions for how to help without having to mother him?!

Thank you x

Yes he has to think of these things himself because it's not your responsibility to make him happy. However - by way of incentive - you are fully entitled to say you've had enough living with a grouch and, however busy he is at work, however stressful the building work or whatever worries he has about DC#2 it is not acceptable to take it out on you or your DS and you won't tolerate it.

Thank you for your reply. I've said that a few times over the last few weeks and he says he knows he's not been feeling happy and wants to feel better but then does nothing about it. So I end up feeling worse as he knows I'm upset but chooses to do nothing. I genuinely think he doesn't mind going through life feeling miserable all the time.

Him feeling miserable is neither here nor there. If he was on a desert island feeling miserable you'd be fine. But as he lives in a family and his mood is having a negative effect on you and your DS then it's not fine. I would be telling him, therefore, that he has to separate how he feels from how he behaves.... or go find a desert island.

Thank you- you are right. We are talking this eve so I think I will have to phrase it like that. I really feel like if I wasn't pregnant I'd be planning to separate as he's just dragging my mood down constantly.

If he's actually clinically depressed, as opposed to being a bit down and fed up, that might explain his lack of action. Depression makes people very lethargic and it takes a lot to gird them into positive action (at least I find this with my depressive sister). IME you need to be kind, but very firm. Don't give him any wriggle room. If he really IS depressed then he needs to make a doctor's appt immediately, no arguments. If he's just being a bit of a git then an even firmer line is needed. With everything you've got going on he needs to pulling his weight, dealing with his own shit and being an equal, supportive partner. End of.

Thank you for your reply. I know you are right about depression and that I do need to be firm. I am just scared that he will still do nothing and then I have to choose either to live with him knowing that he doesn't care enough to change, or separate while pregnant which seems impossible. I just feel like it's an impossible choice and I want to cry!

You wouldn't be making the choice, he would. He can choose to see a GP and get treatment or take some leave or talk through his problems with you or just go for some long walks, clear his head and come home with a smile on his face... or he can choose to do nothing, be snappy and take out his unhappiness on everyone closest to him, driving them away. So be firm, set out the choices and have the courage of your convictions.