DP and his family, cant keep my anger contained

[VodkaJelly]

I know I am going to get flamed for all this but I really cannot help how I feel. I am just unsure of what to do next.

Long story but I dont want to drip feed.

DP and I have been together for 14 years, I have 2 older children and DP and I have DS who is 12 and DD who is 5 months. For some reason when DP and I got together his parents didnt really approve of me (divorced with 2 kids) and things were always "strained" when i met them (we live in the same town).

Things got better but were never brilliant. Then something happened which made DP's nan fall out with me and DP. She is not some nice sweet old lady but a nasty, backstabbing battle axe! Anyway, DP was duly forgiven after 6 months but his nan has not spoken to me for over 10 years. The family all knew what the falling out was about and although they knew I was innocent they took the nans side and it drove a BIG wedge in my already fragile relationship with his family.

I have avoided a lot of family events as everyone sits together and me and DP and the kids sit somewhere else as the atmosphere is always strained and his nan always gives me looks that would kill an elephant on sight! I avoid going to weddings/partys/family meals as the atmosphere is not fair on the hosts and I am always on edge round his family.

Anyway, to the dilema, things are slowly improving with his mum and I, since DD was born. She is making an effort and things are thawing, the problem is his nan. She has never met DD and I will not let them meet. But she buys DD presents, when she was born, easter, and when she has come back of holiday. Only small bits, like clothes and (yes I am ready to be flamed) I throw them in the bin. The though of this nasty woman having anything to do with my daughter makes my skin crawl.

She has sent a present for DD via MIL and I have bagged it up with a note asking her not buy DD anything else and saying that everything gets binned and any further presents will also be binned. I want her to know that her gifts are not welcome and I also want her to stop wasting her money as she is a pensioner.

I do not want her stuff in my house or near my DD. She caused so much pain and hurt for me with DP's family. I cannot forgive her for the damage she caused and how I was unfairly treated by her and the family for a very petty "crime". His nan has no desire to make the peace and is more than happy for the grudge to continue, it doesnt affect her as I am the one who got pushed out.

By returning the gifts I know it is basically a hand grenade and there will be a lot of grief and DP will be upset (although he has supported me he never sticks up for me and when I am blamed for something he doesnt put them right, his family can do no wrong and I am always being unreasonable)

I spoke to DS about it (my eldest) and he thinks I shouldnt do it but I want her to know that her tat is not welcome and not wanted. I understand why he thinks I shouldnt do this, I really do, but how else do I get the message across that her gifts are not wanted?

It will cause a lot of problems but the thought of walking out on DP and never having to deal with his fucking family again is actually very appealing.

What should I do??

I think that it is reasonable to stipulate that if she wants to develop a relationship with her great grandchild, she needs to develop a relationship with her great grandchild's parents, including the mother. That way, you've extended an olive branch of sorts, without having had to choke back your distaste and accept presents and pretend everything is hunky dory when it isn't.

I agree with Solid Gold, be the bigger person here.
My youngest sister behaved in an unforgivable fashion after my Dad died years ago. On the rare occasions I see her I am civil (even though its hard) and I do send my nephews presents at Christmas, and they send me thank you notes. I feel I am being the bigger person here and I haven't gone round the family telling them what she did either.
I believe that Karma will catch up with these poisonous people!

the best thing you can do is IGNORE.

She will be absolutely delighted with your reaction as it will make her look like a victim with the rest of the family. More drama for her to feed off and more problems for you.

I totally understand how you feel, I'm in the same boat, just keep binning them if you want but don't give them an inkling of whats going on in your mind.

Wow. They sound really dysfunctional. This is not good for your dd though, and I don't understand why you're making her miss out and believe she's unloved by binning the presents. Give them to your dd and get her to send a thank you note to nanna or however she'd like to be called. At the moment you're behaving as badly as the nan.

Sod her, I would just ignore her. I think any attention, good or bad, would just be what she wants. So if you were the nicer person, wrote a lovely thank you letter or whatever, that could well be thrown in your face 'I don't want letters from HER' or whatever. Similarly sending the presents back would fan the flames.

Just ignore her completely.

All this over bloody CARDS. I knew card writing and sending was some sort of evil.

ExpatAl DD is only 5 months old so has no concept of writing letters or what presents are!

I think you should ignore as well. But please do give the stuff to charity ? it doesn't matter if it has no tags. Binning it is a waste.

I have to say, I think talking to your son about it was a bad move. He's a child and he doesn't need to be brought into this.

LadyClarice, I think the OP meant she'd talked to her older DS about it, not her 12-yo.

I'd send it back - but I am a very very unforgiving and vengeful person, wish I wasn't!

Oh sorry, yes, misread. Sorry, OP!

I understand why you want to put this old cow in her place but you know she will play the poor old wounded lady act and you will look the bad guy again, you are declaring war on her if you say it.

I reckon she's sending the gifts to make herself look good in the eyes of the rest if the family, I'd not say a thing , eBay gifts and seethe about her in private.

I wont return the stuff, just bin it, cant really charity shop it as it is a soft toy with all tags removed and a hideous t-shirt!

They would probably sell and even if they didn't the charity could sell them to the ragman.

I think your ds is ending a lot more sensible about this than you!
Just keep binning the stuff.
She wants a reaction.
Dint give her the satisfaction.

My Mum behaves unforgivably, then sends a gift, I have to phone and thank her, we chat, I soften up, all past gets brushed aside till the next time.

Maybe she's doing that? Trying to break the ice by sending gifts. It's up to you whether you want to let that happen though.

I don't anymore. Gifts get passed on to dc. I usually take a photo with gift and send her a text with it to say thanks.

ignore, dont engage, let dp deal with his family.

if you dont want gift send to charity shop or jsut leave out on a wall in street for someone else to pick up. dont bin it s a waste