"When he is nice he is lovely" and other phrases that break my heart.

[MadameOvary]

"He's a great Dad and has never laid a finger on the kids"
"He has many good points, it's just sometimes he lashes out"
"i can understand why he's like this. It's not his fault"
"Everyone has their faults don't they? No relationship is perfect"

Cant think of any more right now. Just remember when I used to think this way too, that he was worth it and I'd never felt this way before, and I could always have a vent or cause a fight so I could say what I really thought and get it out my system, and just let him try to give my any crap, I was no pushover, I could stand up for myself etc etc.

And now, two years on from dumping him, after a long process of seeing the light, how I was worth more, how much he took and how little he gave, how all those gut feelings were more like screams, how much more colour is in the world now I am not scared to open my mouth in front of someone who I should be able to love and trust unconditionally...

I want to say:

If I can come out of the fog so can you.
If I can realise that being on my own is preferable to life with an abusive twat, so can you.
And after you've accepted this, there are nice, normal men out there which you will be emotionally free to have a relationship with, should you so wish.
Because no-one has the right to treat you like crap.
Because 90% loveliness does not excuse 10% vile behaviour
Because you have the right to be treated well, to make your own choices, speak your mind and be respected...

I am quite militant now. There's no grey areas.
Does any of this make sense? I hope so. Thanks for reading my rant thoughts.

Thankyou Madame. . makes perfect sense and is extremely well put.

Love this!

"how much more colour is in the world now" and "No Grey Areas"

You know I know this. I know you know this too!

You've come a long way baby! You should be so proud of yourself love!

(((((hugs))))))

Oh yeah... this is a message to all you lurkers and wonderful posters on the Emotional Abuse thread...

This lady here ^, MadameO, is one of the founder members of the Emotional Abuse thread. If you look back far enough, you can see how ALL of us emerged from our broken shadows to the women we are today.

Many of us suffer these hideous relationships for 5 years, 7 years, 10 years, MORE.... This thread is to show those of you at the beginning of the journey to freedom and happiness that you CAN achieve all sorts of wonderful things in ONLY a year, and MORE in ONLY TWO years.

You CAN do this, this might feel the hardest thing in the world, but it's actually not. not when you look back and see how much better it is NOT being treated like shit.

Fist bump for my fellow escapees

"Mislabelling smothering, possessive neediness and constant invasion of privacy/social life/job/head for intimacy"

YY

The one that makes me groan is

"He's a great father, the children worship him."

Like that is a normal or desirable way for children to feel about a parent.

Totally get you.

yy
out of the fog
here is a song I posted on the EA board. I have it on a loop.

and 'nobody makes me feel the way he does' well ... nobody is going to make me feel that shitty about myself way ever ever again!! Onwards and upwards

Yep and 'everyone else thinks he is marvellous/wonderful/god-sent man'

But they don;t know, do they?

Fantastic thread and post MadameOvary.

I was listening to 5live about domestic violence and a woman said 'everyone says why didn't you leave? No one says why didn't he stop?'

Or why did no one challenge them.
The one that really gets me is:
'there are two sides to every story'

No experience, but I would say "beware of the lazy man".

yes yes yes. thank you. i get you.

'it's not his fault, he had a difficult childhood'.

like i'm the one who's meant to absorb it all, make excuses for his appalling behaviour, and be complicit in maintaining his outward 'good guy' persona.

i can finally breath, and yes yes, to colour in my life at last.

"If I were a better wife he wouldn't do this." thinking you can can fix the problem by being more caring/loving/careful. A relationship can't be fixed by one party.

I even had my stupid MIL (who knew what he was like and had heard rumours of his infidelities, to boot) tell me if I make the home nicer (like Heaven, she said), he will spend more time with me and less out on the tiles. I was to always stay up until he got home (2am most nights) and be up before him to clean the house and make myself look fresh.

Yeah, like that worked. A year later I left him, taking nothing more than a suitcase of clothes. I was a toy he had got bored of. I do get satisfaction knowing his lovelife has been a string of disasters and I'm with a truly lovely man and have a son now. My life is infinitely more brilliant now and starting over was liberating.