I've turned into a ruddy loon over my ex. Help please!

[pickledparsnip]

My ex moved out over a year ago. We had been sleeping in separate rooms for a while and I was desperate for him to leave. I ended the relationship because of many reasons, he was incredibly unsupportive of me emotionally, I felt that he was from the day our son was born (we have a 3.5 year old). He disagreed with everything I said or did, stopped working, left us screwed financially, barely helped with our son, many many reasons.

He kept on telling me we should work at it, I refused as he made no effort to change. I hold my hands up, I can be a total nightmare to live with too. I had fully had enough and wanted out.

So he moved out, we ended up working away on and off over the summer and we were sleeping with each other on and off. Things started to get sour at the end of last year, we last slept together in February, and 3 months prior to that.

I always had a massive issue that he didn't support me with our son, and would never agree to definite days when he would have him. He turned up whenever he liked, is always late with maintenance, in fact he still owes me from February. He lives a very rambling man existence, very hand to mouth, flittering about. That's fine if you are on you own, but he has our son and another child from a previous relationship to support.

So he is working the odd day here and there and suddenly 3 maybe 4 weeks ago after much badgering he agreed to definite days/eve to have our son. This has been fantastic, lovely to have a break and for our son to spend time with his daddy. He has suddenly become wonder daddy. It is great, but now he's being so wonderful with our boy I am realising that I love him and I keep picturing how it could have been. When our son sees us together his face lights up and it breaks my heart.

I know exactly how you feel. My ex was the worst of men, I ended it and thought I was over him.

When he got together with his girlfriend I went to pieces, I could only think of the good too. I think it's the what could have been, the happy family rather than the reality of what it was that upset me.

Thankfully it didn't last too long and I woke up and wondered what I was thinking. Telling myself he wasn't a prize worth winning helped.

I now have the most wonderful new boyfriend and I'm so glad I didn't act on the crazy feeling.

I think it's natural to feel like this, just don't act on it and try and remember the bad times.

parsnip glad you are feeling a bit better.

You sound as though you need to recalibrate your Twat radar now after two relationships with men who are bad for you.

Try reading This old thread and see how many your ex is waving at you. Use him for practice so that when that really nice man you are going to meet in a year or two turns up you recognise him.

Meanwhile be kind to yourself and enjoy the chance to be single and a great mum to your DS. You sound lovely!

I would also suggest you look at Womens Aid Freedom programme as it is designed for women who have been in abusive relationships.

I would also not even begin to entertain the idea of another relationship until you have sorted your own head out. Love your own self for a change.

Come on now, he's suddenly being a good dad at coincidentally the same time as he has a new woman to impress? He clearly hasn't started because he went and got a cuntectomy & is now a decent & loving man.
He still wants to have sex with you to prove he just has to snap his fingers and you drop em. Plus he doesn't have to work as hard at being nice, you already expect him to be a tosser.

You are not missing him, you are grieving for the fantasy future with the fantasy him that was everything he wasn't in real life. He was never that man though & this act is not him either but it gave you a glimpse of what should have been.
It also hurts like fuck to see because part of us then asks 'why didn't he do that for me? That's all I wanted' and another part slinks in to admit that it's because he just couldn't gather enough energy to care about a 2 dimensional character in his all singing all dancing one man show.

You deserve a lot better than that. You are a wonderful mother to your son but he's not old enough to understand that as soon as dad moves back in ds can kiss goodbye to the attention & parenting that he is getting now. No matter how much his wee face lights up. Crushing.

If you can talk to someone I think it would help, you were great today and what you are feeling is normal, but what you have been through with 2 abusive men in a row is enough for anyone to deal with. Now a lp whose ex is enjoying manipulating your emotions to the point you are calling yourself a loon - you are not a loon but it sounds like your view of things could do with a bit of a tweak.
How do you feel about it? More pertinently what happens when you meet a new guy? Twat number 3 or third time lucky?
I'm not meaning to rag on you but it's dangerous to face these situations alone because you start to believe the bs (did I make that sound appropriately dramatic? Read it with a thespian flourish!). Also...I'd quite like to give him a boot for before and a boot for what I suspect he's going to do to your ds; so may be projecting my irritation with him. May of course meaning 'definitely am'. Sorry.

You lot are bloody incredible, thank you.