Awakening a marriage which is little more than housemates

[indecisioniskillingme]

I'm at my wits end...

Me and Dh have been having a difficult time for several months and haven't been connecting. We've been together 8 yrs, married four and have dd 3.

We 'get on' fine but there is no intimacy, haven't slept together since jan and I can't bear him touching me in a sexual way. Affection is fine but anything more I don't like. We have never been great sexually but it is getting worse.

Is there any hope?

I could have written this word for word.
I'm feeling exactly the same as you :(

If you feel like that it's not worth throwing it away. DH & I went through that and have come out the other side, now that our dch are a bit older and we're both not so shattered all the time.

There is something wonderful about being married to a good friend. A marriage changes over the years.

What I meant by the last bit is not that you just give up & give in to feeling as you do now for ever, but that it is worth working at & finding a way of loving each other again.

I'd like that Miranda as I really do care for him and respect him but I just don't know. We kissed yesterday. A proper kiss and I felt disgusting... Like kissing a brother or something (I don't have a brother so hope that's not offensive). I really felt 'eugh'. But I wish I didn't as there is other good stuff there.

I'm reading "I love you but I'm not in love with you"... Interesting!

We have been together 10 years and married 5, and honestly I feel like this for about 5 years. We have 2 ds's, (5 & 4), so I didn't really think about it too deeply in the early baby days as it was very hectic.

I've been quite conscious of it for about 2 1/2 years. I was bereaved 3 times in the early part of this year, and it became very apparent to me after my father's death. But I dunno, I'm torn between thinking that re-evaluating your life after a bereavement is normal and I don't want to make knee jerk reactions to those bereavements. My life has been turned upside down recently. For the first few months after dad's death I was just coping with day to day. Funerals and bereavements are funny, because they force people to be very real about their emotions and take off the masks a little. One or two people from my past resurfaced and I got the feeling that there might be some mutual feelings. Nothing at all was acted upon by anyone, but as I say you start re-evaluating and remembering that there are alternatives out there and that life is for living. I remember seeing on discovery channel that there is some tribe where the men can take 1 day off from their wives each year and sleep with someone else. I'ld like that set up - mutual for wives and husbands! Am I bad? lol

At any rate, I'm going to give my marriage a chance and try to get my head together. Try to focus on all the positives we have and all the sweet things that my dh does with the children and me. He sang to me this morning to wake me up (the annoying bastard! joke!)

Sounds like there's hope there, Molly.

I'm going to be blunt and say I think you need some time apart, to figure out how you really feel. I'm not saying there is no hope, but something is wrong when you feel disgusted by kissing.

I think the kindest thing for all of you is to have some time apart, without being tempted by and involving another man.

I also think if you feel repulsed by your husband, this is a worse sign that if you felt a bit indifferent and could recapture a spark. Chemistry is fairly key in a relationship to me anyway- have you ever had it? Have you ever liked kissing him? What propelled you forward if you didn't?

This is definitely worth exploring further, I feel a bit sorry for him tbh, I would hate to think my husband felt repulsed by kissing me (I'm pretty sure he doesn't). It's one thing to blow on a spark and relight it, it's another to try to start one where one never existed.

Um, I think I must have liked kissing him but we have never been a very sexually physical couple but we have been very affectionate to one another.

I have liked kissing him before but never really felt aroused by it, or by him as a person... More just by thinking of other stuff to get me going...

I just thought that friendship was the soundest base for a marriage but now I am wondering if I 'settled' too soon and should have waited for someone where there was a bit more attraction....

Some very lucky people get both passion and friendship, but in my experience (and the book you are reading says this I think, I haven't read it all) that many 'friendship' based marriages are in danger of becoming rather flat in the passion department- part of what keeps passion alive is a bit of friction (not necessarily arguing but disagreements, different points of view, slight push/pull that allows you to fall in love again). I have the opposite problem- I have a very passionate relationship which is romantic, but we don't do day to day domesticity and friendship that well, that's not to say we aren't friends some of the time, but at others, we really clash/don't get on. You don't get everything in one person- I have friends whose partners are very supportive/have a lot of money/great providers but are not great talkers, I have friends with great talkers who are flaky when it comes to finance and family stability, and so on.

I am not sure where this takes you, I wonder whether your partner allows this indecision a bit too much (does he know about it?)- if he suddenly turned and said, you seem really distant, I'm fed up, how about we split, I wonder if you would think 'yesssss!' or whether you'd start to panic and miss that comfortable fall-back position he represents.

I think I'd think "yesssssss"

But of course it's easy to say that isn't it....

He does know about it and we have talked about a trial split. He doesn't want to as he thinks it'll be the beginning of the end.

The way you describe us is right. We never argue, we 'get on' so well, we are always kind, polite and thoughtful to one another. I actually find it a bit 'Truman show'..... Sometimes I feel very strongly that I am in a performance with him and not my REAL life. That's tough. But he is a very very good man. I shouldn't have married him really, deep down I know that but I was too scared to break off the engagement and be alone and are a run of real wankers I thought I'd be silly just to break it off with this nice guy cause I didn't feel 'it'...

I totally get that you don't get everything in one person - I guess that's why I'm still here (aside from having dc together) cause maybe the grass isn't greener and there is a lot to be said for a stable friendship. It just feels a bit like settling cause I'm scared...

I think reading your whole thread back might help you decide what you should do. Good luck. X

When the sex goes, I think it is the end. In my experience, it never comes back. You say you haven't enjoyed it for years. Well, you're not going to suddenly start enjoying it again are you, especially when he says he is not a sexual person himself.

I tried to pm you indecisioniskillingme but it won't allow me too :(

It'd been interesting reading this thread, what you're saying and the replies.
I hope you do what you feel is right for you x

Thanks egg, I will read back.
Serendipity I don't know why it won't let you PM me.... Try again though, I'm intrigued as to what you may have said!

Having the passion and friendship is what marriage should be about, and not one or the other. It doesnt sound hopeful if you cant bare to kiss him.

You should get everything from one person in my experience. Your best friend in the world and the person you are most attracted to/turned on by. Anything else and your selling yourself short.

That's a lovely post! You are a lucky lady petey!

Would you consider counselling OP? What do you think the long term effect of splitting up might be on your dc? Can you afford two homes etc? There are a lot of practical issues to consider. At least after counselling you could look back and say I gave it my best shot for dc's sake.
My MIL said recently that people are chasing rainbows looking for the Perfect One & I think she might be right. The effects of a family break up can be life long. Think carefully, good luck!

I am have counselling alone and so is DH. I don't even know if I WANT it to work so not sure if counselling would help.
We are both in good careers so would be ok financially (although obviously worse off). I hear what you say about the effect of separation on DCs.. I guess I am just as worried that being in a bit of a crappy marriage will effect DC...
I need to go read the whole thread back as per creme eggs previous advice

Well dh and I have temporarily separated. I am at my parents and he is in the house.

I feel so relieved.

miranda - I'm interested in how you got your relationship back...

Deep down I'm not sure we can but I still feel like I'd be throwing away a lot of good stuff by leaving. Dh says he wants to try but with as much enthusiasm as someone saying "I want beans with my sausages, not peas".... Zzzzzz

cremeegg I read the thread back and kinda felt like I should be trying in this marriage...