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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Still a secret after 16 months

16 replies

Ghirly · 20/05/2013 11:29

Hi, I'm looking for some advice, I probably need to give myself a shake but here goes....

I started seeing a guy who is a friend of the family 16 months ago. 2 months previous he had split up with his very long term live in gf. He lives two hours away from me so we don't see each other too often. I also have 2 kids under 7 and I'm not one for introducing men to them so that suited me.

As he was newly split, I knew his gf, and they were trying to stay friends we kept quiet about us so as not to rub it in her face so to speak. We even kept it a secret from my siblings as the ex is a good friend of my brothers and their wives. One SIL in particular gave us alot of grief when she suspected we were seeing each other.
The ex got wind of me a couple of times, questioned him but he kept denying it.

Thing is, he STILL won't admit anything to her. As recent as a few days ago she asked about me again, he denied it again. She wants to get back with him and he says he doesn't want to hurt her.
I feel he is sacrificing my happiness in order to protect her.

After all this time I'm not happy being a secret anymore.....
I want to be in a normal relationship. Not be stuck at home while he goes to weddings etc with my family instead of asking me along as his partner.

Sorry this is long, but what do I do? I know he isn't in a place to commit more than I'm getting just now but this isn't making me happy. On the other hand, a life without him in it won't make me happy either. I feel I'm putting up with this just so I can still have him in my life.

OP posts:

TheSilveryPussycat · 20/05/2013 11:34

You know the answer really, it is clear from your post. Be brave: choose a life without happiness and Without Him. You may find the happiness then starts to take care of itself...

ephemeralfairy · 20/05/2013 11:39

He is being very selfish. He wants everything on his own terms with no regard for your needs or happiness. After this amount of time you should be able to expect some honesty and commitment. If he isn't 'in a place to commit' after a year, then when will he be? I think it might be time for an ultimatum on your part.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I was in this exact situation two years ago. I wasted a year of my life with someone who wouldn't commit and kept me a secret from everyone. It absolutely destroyed my self-esteem. And guess what? He went to back to his ex. I've heard on the grape-vine that they're getting married soon.
Don't make the same mistake!! You and your kids deserve a lot better.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/05/2013 11:39

You know he's still seeing the 'ex' g/f don't you?

iloveweetos · 20/05/2013 11:40

Get out of it now, before he ends it and hurts you. If hes not proud to have you, ditch him x

Good Luck :)

Leavenheath · 20/05/2013 11:42

It's actually an act of cruelty to a former partner to lie about being in a new relationship and it's rarely solely for that person's benefit anyway. That sort of lie is told in order to stop the other person from moving on, keeping them on the back burner and also to avoid any allegations that there was an overlap. Which there probably were- at the very least in thought if not deed- you started going out with him only 2 months after the alleged break up but had known them both for ages before that.

So he's not protecting her. He's protecting him.

iloveweetos · 20/05/2013 11:42

My ex kept me a secret our whole relationship (2 years) and then just stopped talking to me
Found out he got married and carried on seeing me months after.
Obviously as hes a close friend this wouldnt happen without you knowing, but he could get back with ex and not worry about what everyone thinks when he shits on you.

seeker · 20/05/2013 11:43

Run. Run like the wind.

scaevola · 20/05/2013 11:46

Well, I can kind of see the point in keeping a brand new relationship quiet when it's a family friend and you want to minimise fall out should it not go well. But the key words in that are "brand new", so a few weeks tops.

I share CES's suspicions that the relationship with the ex might not be properly over. But even if it is, I think there is something badly wrong for him to be reluctant to acknowledge your relationship and to persuade you to join in the cover up. This is not healthy for you. Do you want to stay in an unhealthy relationship?

iloveweetos · 20/05/2013 11:48

theyve been seeing each other for 16 months

EllaFitzgerald · 20/05/2013 11:52

I think you already know the answer to your question, don't you?

How long is he planning on keeping you secret for? Another 6 months? A year? And how much more does he think it's going to hurt his ex's feelings when/if she finds out he's lied to her for months on end. He's either lying to you or is pretty cowardly.

I know it will hurt to break up with him, but it will hurt more to do it in a years time when your feelings have deepened. And it will leave you free to meet someone who does want to take you to family events and is proud to have people know you're together. If he's serious about you, he'll put your feelings before his ex's and tell her you're together.

TurnipCake · 20/05/2013 12:06

I suspect this 'ex' isn't so much of an ex. He certainly has it made knowing that she's still after if (if they're not already together), your relationship is a secret and even better, you're 2 hours away.

You're worth more than being kept a secret for a week, let alone 16 months! I think a life without him will be happier than you expect.

Original poster

Ghirly · 22/05/2013 17:26

Thank you everyone for your replies. Sorry it's taken me so long, broadband very dodgy in my area.

Anyway I'm completely with leavenheath. He is being silent to protect himself as he is a coward and doesn't want to face up to the inevitable shit his ex would hit him with.

I have also raised the subject of his ex rather knowing about us than being made a fool of for such a long time. Still nothing.

Anyway after having a coue of days to think the replies (and my feelings) over, I've decided I just need to phase him out......

Don't know how I'm gonna do that as yet but I can't go on like this - but I also can't deal with a huge fight and sudden termination of contact.
Am I a sap???

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 22/05/2013 17:37

I know he isn't in a place to commit more than I'm getting just now but this isn't making me happy. On the other hand, a life without him in it won't make me happy either. I feel I'm putting up with this just so I can still have him in my life. This is your dilemma, you've had another go at getting him to admit it, and it's not working. He's not going to change this status quo and you either put up with it or you get out with your dignity intact.

How can this be a wonderful life-affirming relationship for you if his ex's feeling come above yours? And as everyone says, the chances are they are still together in some sense, otherwise why would he protect her and not your feelings.

Basically, he is scared of losing her, but not scared of losing you. Don't have a big fight, just write him a letter or phone him saying you've thought about it and you don't want to carry on like this, and then cut contact. You never have to see him again if he's 2 hours away getting up to god knows what

BerylStreep · 22/05/2013 17:59

It doesn't need to be a huge fight.

A discussion along the lines of 'I think we should cool it for a bit' should do it.

AgathaF · 22/05/2013 18:11

No huge fight, just "this isn't going anywhere so I think we need to leave it now".

Distrustinggirlnow · 22/05/2013 18:36

No you shouldn't be a secret. I think he's lying to you and to his ex. She needs to be able to move on and while she thinks there's still a chance to get back with him, she never will.

You deserve better treatment than this. If it were me I'd ring him and say that I'd been thinking and now we've being seeing each other for 16 months I felt it was time for us to be out in the open rather than in secret. That I'm not ashamed to be with him and want to spend the social occasions with him, as his partner. I don't want him to move in, or anything like that, just to be recognised as his partner.

If he doesn't want this then I think it's time for you to call it a day because I think this has run its course.

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