BF dumped me out of the blue

[Celeste63]

Six months ago I met a guy in Scotland online. I live in Belgium but he had connections here and my DD is at uni there, so we met up and got on immediately. I made two trips to Edinburgh, he came here twice, there was even talk of him looking for a job here. Last weekend we spent four days together driving up the west coast of Scotland, camping and barbecuing on the beach. For me it was like a dream come true. I have been alone for 15 years and wanted so badly to do things like this, and someone to do them with. He said how glad he was to have someone who liked walking, that his ex-GF would never camp or do anything outdoors. He referred to us as BF and GF for the first time. He has always been very tender, sweet and affectionate, holding my hand in the car, hugging and kissing me all the time, never letting go of me in bed. Sex didn't work so well at the beginning (because of him taking anti-depressants) but we enjoyed being together and when it finally did "work" he said he was looking forward to us getting to "know" each other better. I came back here on Monday, as we were driving to the airport we were discussing plans for the summer.

Then - nothing. Not a text, not an email, no contact whatsoever, including on my birthday on Thursday. No response to my communications. I actually called the hospitals in Edinburgh because after the weekend it seemed more likely he was dead or unconscious than that he'd decided to dump me.

Finally, on Saturday, he returned my call. He sounded awful. First he said that he couldn't cope with a long-distance relationship, then that he couldn't do any relationship at all. Then wrote me an email saying he hadn't found the "passion" he is capable of with me. He doesn't have a "tick-list" for the ideal woman but some feeling is missing. (May I add that while he is kind, sweet and respectful, he is also short, chubby and bald, not rich, depressed, not a player and I think he was pretty lucky to find me - does he think he's going to do better?) I'm still in shock and don't understand. He's been depressed and is trying to sell his flat and find something cheaper, as well as find a better job. He said all he wants to do is hide and that he wouldn't even go to work if he didn't have to. Do you think he's having so kind of a breakdown?

I've looked back through our texts, emails, Skype conversations (I know, just torturing myself) and he was always the "passionate" one, telling me I was wonderful, how much he looked forward to seeing me, how he hoped I'd like the way he'd cleaned up his flat for me, going to lots of trouble over this camping trip.

Any ideas? words of comfort? I am devastated and just can't understand why he is throwing away a relationship I thought we were both happy in. Also worried about his mental state.

Thanks so much for listening.

Hope you're feeling OK Celeste. With regards to your stuff, you might have to resign them to the lost property bin. He's been a coward and none of it is your fault, but you have to put it down to one of those not-so-great things life throws at you for no reason.

Mandy that's awful- five years and then nothing, for a year? What an arse.

Thanks again everyone for your kindness. Mandy I am sorry. it's always humbling to come on here and see that whatever's happened to me, someone else has gone through worse and is still holding her head up. How do you ever trust anyone again, though?
Thanks Jadie, strangely I do feel a little bit better. Was lucky enough to get an appointment with a counselor yesterday. He said that ex-BF's behaviour was indeed strange and asked me about his history of depression, thought he might be bipolar. Also said he had acted immaturely in any case. That's what I thought - this is how a 49-year-old man behaves? Trying to feel compassion for his depression and unhappiness.

I've put everything that reminds me of him out of sight (unfortunately Scotland is pretty much ruined for me now) and took him off FB and Skype. I will be OK, but I miss the fun and excitement of having a boyfriend, and feeling like a normal person after so many years of being alone. I just turned 50 and never thought I'd have another relationship. Where I was fine before I now feel empty.

Thanks again and to anyone who's going through something similar, the no contact plan helps. Of course I hope he will contact me again, but if he does I hope I have the strength not to respond.

But how can you ever trust anyone again?

Celeste. You are right, it is strange behaviour. Any right-thinking person would agree. You are best off out of it. I had a wry smile about the Scotland thing...I always said my XH got Runrigg, the group (from Scotland, natch) in the divorce...for the same reason.
I'm not sure how you trust again. But my bullshit detector has been for an MOT, and I think that helps...I am 52, and on my Jack Jones. But I live in hope!