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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feeling really sad, please just give me a kick up the arse and tell me i will be ok.

22 replies

2anddone · 19/05/2013 23:14

H left a month ago and I have good days and bad days. The dc are doing ok and they see him twice a week and for an afternoon every weekend. He is currently living at his mums so no overnights as no space until he gets his own place.
It was totally his decision to leave and he is totally following the script! He says there is noone else, I don't believe him but have no proof to say there is.
We are now at the shit bit the car and his work van is getting sold so that we can have 2 cheaper cars and he can clear some debt as he can't currently afford to rent anywhere.
I am feeling really sad tonight and i think it is finally sinking in that he really has gone. He has deleted 40 of our mutual friends off of fb and removed that he is married to me. I don't go on there that much only to keep in touch with relatives overseas.
I hate going to bed the bed seems huge i really want to text him and tell him how much i love him and miss him.
So please hold my hand and tell me it will be ok

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 19/05/2013 23:17

it will be ok. it will be a rough ride til it is ok, but you will get through it. protect yourself financially. you still love him, but he does not extend the same courtesy to you and could quite well see you as fair game.

BarredfromhavingStella · 19/05/2013 23:18

More than happy to hold your hand, not going to tell you it will be ok as that will mean fuck all right now-too early. Some of the other lovely MNers will be along shortly but until then I'm here.

HomageToCannelloni · 19/05/2013 23:20

Really sorry to hear that 2anddone. Of course it will be ok in the end, unfortunately you cannot skip the shitty bit in between that being the case and now, you may be lonely but you sure as heck won't be alone when you have MN. Is he already aware this is not what you want? In this case I'd say don't text him, tell us instead if you need to about missing him and feeling sad.

Original poster

2anddone · 19/05/2013 23:21

Thank you currently sobbing so hard can barely breathe or see to type. I have very little rl support and certainly noone that can just come round at the drop of a hat on a bad day

OP posts:

BarredfromhavingStella · 19/05/2013 23:24

Just keep posting on here, someone will always answer. Do you not have a good friend in rl who can help you through this? Dry your eyes & grab a gin-lets get settled

Original poster

2anddone · 19/05/2013 23:24

He knows I didn't want him to go. I wont text him I just get so upset when I think about what he has done to our family, I was having such a good weekend too even cooked my first BBQ and now the silliest thing like an email asking if I like the particular car in the photo for me and dc has me in bits

OP posts:

Original poster

2anddone · 19/05/2013 23:26

No my best friend is happily married with no dc so doesn't even begin to pretend she knows what I am going through, my parents are worse than useless, even asked me if it was my fault when he left

OP posts:

BarredfromhavingStella · 19/05/2013 23:26

Well lets tough it out then-do you like the car or is the colour shit?

Distrustinggirlnow · 19/05/2013 23:29

Holding your hand and bringing

You will be ok. It is so horrible isn't it, but you will be ok. You have your lovely DC who will always be there, not like selfish twunts who decide to up and leave. On the other hand maybe you're better off without him.

Either way my love, you will be ok

Original poster

2anddone · 19/05/2013 23:32

I didn't like the first car he took us to see at the weekend so I told him exactly what I wanted and he went and found one for me. I think that's what's upset me so much one minute he is really nice the next a complete arsehole

OP posts:

FriedSprout · 19/05/2013 23:33

It will be ok

Make a new FB account, he has changed his marital status on there too upset you and it is working.
Cuddle up to the dc's in bed, change the way things look in the house, get new bedding, alter routines so that the new ones are your choice rather than stick with old ones that will just make you feel his absence even more.
When he sees the dc's, make it somewhere other than your house, having him in the house may confuse the dc, and he also now has lost his entitlement to the facilities and comforts of your home.

Try and keep all conversations to practicalities only. Unfortunately, he has made his decision to leave, you will gain nothing, but loss of self-respect by trying to change his mind.

Look after yourself health wise, try and eat and and put you and your dc's needs first and foremost.

Thinking of you, it's horrible, and it bursts, but it WILL get better.

BarredfromhavingStella · 19/05/2013 23:36

Your parents sound like they don't know how to cope with the situation which is unfortunate.

You should focus on you & DC, talk to your friend-it doesn't matter if she can relate to your problem, that isn't what she's there for-a friend will listen & support, no matter the issue.

hugs & along with & also Gin-why is there not a gin symbol MNHQ???

overtheraenbow · 19/05/2013 23:39

Here too 2and1 , holding hand, weekends are toughest . Sunday nights specially; another shit week looms feeling.
It's only a month since he went , such a short time in the grande scheme I remember the endless pain the thoughts running through your head , exhaustion, the little glimmers ( like a nice BBQ) then something minor sets you back.
I wish I had a magic wand to help you skip this bit. But it will pass. Do what helps you get over these feelings ( shout scream, hit pillows, go running) keep posting sending you ((hugs))) sorry all, sometimes a hug is just essential!!

overtheraenbow · 19/05/2013 23:41

Btw Mr Nice/ Mr Arsehole is how they cope with the guilt!!

Original poster

2anddone · 19/05/2013 23:43

Thanks overtherainbow you just made me giggle if you knew me in rl you would know things would have to be far worse than him leaving to make me run seriously though I am really appreciating everyones support its definitely the times I don't have my dc around like when they in bed that's the hardest

OP posts:

Scarletohello · 20/05/2013 00:05

Honey I have no words to help you, so sorry your parents were so judgemental, not what you need right now. I know it's hard, especially when he's being nice to you but eventually you will realize you are better off without him. Unfortunately, time takes time. I split up with someone 5 months ago and thought I'd never be happy again but I ploughed on and today feel like a different person. Be good to yourself and get as much rl support as u can. U can go to Relate as a single person, I've been going the last 3 months and it really helped. X

Original poster

2anddone · 20/05/2013 00:09

Does relate cost alot I am sahm and ft student so funds are lacking especially as government are taking forever to sort out my tax credit and income support claim

OP posts:

FriedSprout · 20/05/2013 08:51

I think that they have recommended rates, but if you have trouble paying those then they will discuss with you what you can afford.

EllaFitzgerald · 20/05/2013 12:33

It will get better. The pain will eventually ease off until you can look at him and feel nothing but relief that you're free to be happy and that someone else gets to deal with his script.

In the mean time, concentrate on dealing with the practical things. First things first, block him on FB. You don't need to see what he's up to and if there is someone else, you'll only be torturing yourself. Then, if there's anything else of his still in the house, bag it up ready for him to take away so you don't have to look at it all the time. I know money is tight at the minute, but can you start putting away a couple of pounds a week to give the bedroom a lick of paint and some new bed linen? Sounds a bit odd, but I found that it worked for me, as it was something unconnected with him and all for me. It helped me stop thinking that the bed felt too big and start enjoying that it was all mine.

lizzie479 · 20/05/2013 13:24

It will get easier my ex keeps yo yooing between being Mr Nice and Mr Asshole...why do they do this? The only way I have found to cope is by acting indifferently to both 'personalities'. But making sure that you put proper boundaries in place too i.e. you would not let a stranger treat you or talk to you badly so don't let him. You don't need his crap on top of your own. You will get through it but I agree it is so hard and its such a shame that so many of us have to go through this. Focus on you and the kids now. You can be happy again :)

butterflymeadow · 20/05/2013 13:51

Why is he choosing your car? He left you. So either he feels guilty so he is trying to make it better, or he doesn't really want to let go so he is still having a say? Can you not get the money and choose your own car?

Of course you will be sad, and it takes time to get over, but if he is out of your life, he needs to be out of your life, he can't pop in and out when it suits him. That is the only way you can start putting a new life together, without him keeping popping back to reopen old wounds. If you know what you want, get the money, and buy your own car, not one he chooses for you, otherwise you still have a tie.

I really don't mean to sound harsh, but I agree with lizzie that boundaries will help. The only ties you should have are the dcs.

butterflymeadow · 20/05/2013 13:52

Sorry, i do sound harsh. My first husband left me with a baby for someone else, so I do know what it is like. But don't let him pop in and out as it suits him. Seriously.

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