my mother - anyone with similar experiences

[kayfish]

Currently undergoing therapy about my relationship with my mother and its affect on my present relationships. Basically boiled it down to her lack of responding to me as a child and not attuning with me emotionally.

Key examples being, while with another family on my way to a ballet class I was in a car crash as a four year old, was knocked unconscious, when awoke in the hospital was surrounded by strangers, members of the other family very injured, was identified and driven back to parents house to tell them the news. When we got there my mother answered the door, was told the news and shrugged and never mentioned it again. She now denies it ever happened. She used to instill fear in me as a child and then leave me alone to deal with it. From age of 2 would lock me in a room in the dark for no reason for hours leaving me unable to go to the toilet (looking back it's just because she couldn't handle the responsibility, but obviously I did not process it like that as a young child.) She often used to start physical fights with me as a teenager and told me several times she just wished I would "go out and die."

Obviously I have finally come to terms with the fact there was and is something wrong psychologically with her, but processing its affect on my present and past relationships is very difficult. Also have a lot of anger towards my father for being passive about her behaviour throughout my childhood.

Just wondered if anyone had similar experiences with their maternal relationship and how it affected their relationship with their children? Plus whether anyone has any understanding of what might be wrong with her? Therapist says she probably had a trauma in her own childhood.

Hi kayfish
Didn't want to read and run. Sorry as about your mother. There is a very nice group of people over in the stately homes thread I lurk there havent posted yet as I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stop. But take a look and post. Have some and fit having the confidence to post.

My mother is very similar too. As adults, it frustrates all of us, that she has "selective memory" on many many things in our lives. She will deny things, and portrays herself as an amazing mom... (divorced from my dad long time ago)

I tried killing myself as a teen, and when she came into the hospital, both my arms were being bandaged up and all she could talk about was her bad day...WTF?

She tried to take my children away from me. I ended up with custody of my younger sister when I got older.

She would teach me to steal. Drugs/selling/booze and men, were all in our home...

She got drunk and seriously damaged her truck. When my son borrowed it, well, it literally fell apart. He destroyed it.

She denies it all. In her eyes, everyone hurts her...everyone uses her.

As adults I have chosen to avoid her. If I see her at a family event, I will say hi...but I am no longer going out of my way to be there for her. Heck, she got married and didn't tell me until 2 wks after the wedding..!! (I might cause problems! I lived 18 hrs away!)

My adult children, both rather not be around her. They are polite when she is around, but are prepared for her verbal abuse..and are ready to bolt. They are old enough to make their own choices.

My younger children miss her. When she is sober, she is great to them. However, I have to constantly be careful. She will make comments, to them... "is your brother nice to you?" If my DD says "no", then she claiming abuse... She will watch how I am with them...guarantee she says, "you favor one over the other, and she should take neglected child to live with her! etc. So, I don't trust her with them.

My sisters understand why I don't want to be part of her life....I don't have to be subjected to her abuse. My children don't. I don't "Need" her in my life to be happy.

She will randomly send me verbally abusive messages on facebook. So, I blocked her.

Just because they are OUR MOTHERS doesn't give them the right to treat us badly. It takes so much more to be a mom, than giving birth.

My mother was very distant to the point where, in primary school, I would refuse to draw arms on my people. If pushed to do so, I'd have a tantrum about it (I can remember this, vaguely). I think it was to do with not having much tactile contact. I would also be left in my bedroom - the handle would be tied from the outside to the banister, so I couldn't get out. It has taken me a fair bit of therapy to understand the effect all this has had and continues to have on me. Will PM you later on. Don't worry, though. The key thing is to be aware of it, although I think people like us will always have some residual damage. "Damage limitation" is the key and to limit the damage you have to understand - which is where therapy helps.

Therapy is absolutely the way forward OP. I'm going through it myself because of issues with both my parents. It's the most painful and gruelling thing I've ever done but also the best thing I've ever done for myself.

Both my parents of masters of minimising other people's feelings and other people's pain. They have both denied certain things that I know have happened. It's an abusive tactic that makes you question your sanity. Therapy is helping me to gain some faith in myself. That and realising that I have other relationships with people who do take me seriously, do care about me and value me for who I am.

Good luck and please keep posting - it's a long painful process but so worth it