TWO of the - both this morning - sorry, could be a bit long

[earlgrey]

dd2(6) had given dd1(7) Bear Factory coat for a knitted panda we'd bought from a charity shop. Anyhow, last night dd2 decided it wasn't hers to keep after all, and dd1 threw a wobbly and asked me to make her one. This was at 8.00pm, and I made a start on the hood. This morning she decided it was too baggy. Another aside, yesterday morning I asked her if she'd clean her teeth. She said 'Please, after school mummy', so I gave in. Needless to say even after much co-ertion it didn't happen. I asked her again this morning, and got a flat 'no'. I said if she did we'd look on the Bear Factory website and I'd order one if she did. Well, she went and looked anyway, and there wasn't one like it. Another wobbly. Another request for teeth, still answered 'no', to which I replied 'I'll take your mini jammie dodgers and your two toffees out of your lunchbox then'. Her reply? I hate you mummy, and I always will. She left without saying goodbye.

H was cyclying them to school today, in just their sweatshirts. I said to him 'I think it would be a good idea to take their coats today, just in case'. His barked reply was 'Their not taking their coats today'. Where's the negotiation in that, FGS? So I put both their coats in a bag and left it in the drive, at which point I saw H pick up the back, put it in the boot and proceed to cycle off with dds. I called after him, and he totally ignored me.

Now I know this was a bit immature, but I saw he'd left his house keys behind. So I quickly got my kit and face on, locked up and took the bus to school with their coats. On my return I said 'What are you doing here?, to which he replied 'My keys are here, I'm not carrying that bunch on a bike'. I must've been gone all of 20 mins, not that he was waiting that long because he was only halfway up the road back while I was on the bus on the way down.

What do you think of all this? It's already ruined my day (not that I expect anything but that sort of behaviour from H). But I suppose what's really upset me was dd1 saying that and the totally non-negotiable attitude I get from H. There both our children - surely I have a right to an opinion, too. By the way, a group of school children from the school opposite were on their way somewhere and not one of them were sans coat, and neither was anyone on the bus.

Your thoughts please.

sorry not really sure what your asking here but seems as if your dd is treating you the same as your h treats you, you ask him to do something and he flatly refuses, you ask your dd to do something and she too flatly refused. didnt want you to think you were being ignored and i'm also not aware of your situation (if indeed there is one) but maybe your h needs to back you up more infront of the kids? i too took dd1s coat with her to school today to leave on her peg 'just in case'.

The coat issue is hard to say without knowing what the weather is like atm in your area. What is the situation with you and your H these days. You seem very contemptuous of him and have for ages but never seem to take any steps to changing things.

I think with your DD you are the boss and you need to put your foot down a bit. Teeth cleaning should be non-negotiable with a 7yo IMO.

my mom still tackled me and brushed my teeth for me at 7 if i wouldn't do it! i've now got perfect teeth and no cavities, my dp's parents never gave a rats arse and he has a mouthful of brown rotton teeth, about 5 of which need to be pulled (he's 25!). which would you prefer to see your dd with? she's 7, still a child who should be under your control whether she likes it or not, she might hate you now but she'll love you when she's older for it, instead of resenting you for being weak.

as for H situation i'm not even going to comment as it sounds like you already know what people are going to say, and how you feel about him....... i notice he's not DH ?

Why on earth are you allowing your dd to speak to you like that? Or your h for that matter. Brushing teeth is definitely non negotiable particularly if she has biscuits and toffee in her lunch box. And deciding that the coat you made was too baggy WTF. If you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat don't be surprised if you are treated like a doormat. Sorry if I am being harsh but I really don't like the sound of the way your kids are treating you.

You really need to stop letting dh and dd walk all over you. Its apparent that they have very little respect for you. You need to set some rules down and make sure they are followed. Dh needs to back you up as its not a very good example to set your young daughters you seriously need to have a word.

As for not brushing her teeth i would suggest you get some pictures of examples of children with tooth decay and educate her about the importance of oral hygiene. Ask her once nicely and then again more firmly to brush her teeth and make it known you will not stand for it and she will be punished i.e no sweet stuff if she refuses. And whatever you do dont back down or argue with dh in front of the kidds you need to ptu on a united front.

Oh and sod what your dh thinks about the coats mother knows best Ive seen dh many a time take try to ds out without his coat when theres been big black clouds in the sky men just have no commen sense.

I know you're all right. Nothing I can do about H, he does treat me like a doormat/criticise everything I do.

But I do feel such a heel with the teeth thing - leaving her in tears in the morning.

Sorry but I'm also not clear exactly what you are asking for advice on or if you are just sounding off.

Not sure about the coats tbh - mine were just in blazers this morning and keep waterproofs at school - but it was damp and chilly. If you want him to take the dd's to school you may just have to accept him doing it his way and learning from the consequences, same with his keys. If you were still so concerned about the coats you could have taken them down later . Presumably you were n't planning to meet H en route so why take the keys, were you not expecting him to come back after dropping the girls ?

Clearly things aren't working on lots of levels within your family and wonder if your dd1 isn't taking her example from your H (dh?). Teeth is just part of our morning routine, not optional, so no issue. Did you take out the sweet things or did it become an empty threat, tantrum or not. She probably would benefit from some clearer, more consistent rules as to what behaviour is acceptable and expected otherwise your dd2 will learn to do the same and then you really will feel undermined . May mean you have to put up with some tantrums in the short term though.

You know that you can only be treated by a doormat by your children if you allow them to treat you that way - and if you allow your h to treat you that way too because that's probably where the children are getting it from.

You say in your post that you asked your dd if she would clean her teeth - for me, teeth-cleaning is non-negotiable; it's not something I ask dd to do, it's something that I tell her to do. You're the parent, you need to have authority. You might not feel you have any where your h is concerned, but if you don't put your foot down with the children things aren't going to get any better. Never mind the tears when she goes to school - better a few tears than no teeth in a couple of years! Apart from anything else it sounds to me as if they are manipulative tears, not genuine ones.

The "I don't love you" is manipulative as well; she knows she can get a reaction. IME the best response is not to show that it bothers you - say something like "Oh, that's a shame because I love you and I always will" and walk away.

Someone said that you and your h need to present a united front - it seems to me that there isn't much chance of that, given your h's attitude. But even so you need to stand up for yourself where your children are concerned - it's bad enough that you allow him to walk all over you without allowing your children to do it as well.

With regard to the coat thing, I may be a harsh mummy but there comes a time when they have to make their own choice and suffer the consequences! They don't take their coats, they get cold, maybe they'll wear their coats tomorrow.

As usual WWB, everything you say makes sense. But it was H who said 'Im not taking their coats today', not them.

earlgrey I really don't understand why you are still with your husband. I have worked out who you used to be and you have posted many times about his lack of respect for you and how you really don't get on. I am sure this must be having a negative effect on your children.

if you are who I think you are, then I agree, there really doesn't seem much point in you being together. Your h is showing you no respect and this is clearly rubbing off on your dds.

Your dd is showing you no respect but this is what she has learnt from her father.

Do not 'ask' her to brush her teeth. Tell her.

Agree there is a definite lack of respect permeating all this. Would your dd's have asked for their coats after H said no, had they wanted them, or not have dared.

Sadly, not have dared.