Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 38 39

Relationships

New partner needing 'time'

951 replies

confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 15:54

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep :(

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

OP posts:

Report

TheOrchardKeeper · 19/05/2013 19:25

So...you just told him almost outright that you don't want to just talk by text.

And he has basically said no, this is what is happening. Like it or lump it.

Honestly, I suspect he knows you'll stick around. Sorry to sound harsh but that is certainly how it reads.