New partner needing 'time'

[confusedisitme]

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep :(

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

Dear god.

You are literally clinging to this man like grim death. Short of physically shackling yourself to him, you could not be doing any more to try and keep hold of him.

The reality is he doesn't want you. He is not interested.

You seriously need to grasp that fact ASAP, before you get done for stalking.

What you are doing is NOT NORMAL. If someone tells you they can't see you, the normal, balanced thing is to accept what they say. If you're a little bit on the needy side, you might text them ONCE saying 'are you sure' or something along those lines. But texting and texting repeatedly, begging for an answer, turning up at their sports lesson - that is harrassment.

If we reversed the sexes, and a woman posted saying a man had behaved as you have, I am in no doubt the unanimous response would be to report to the police. You are very lucky this guy hasn't done this so far.

He has tried to be nice to you, to let you down gently. And nothing gets through does it. What will it take - for him to say to your face that he thinks you're crazy and wants nothing to do with you?

Tbh, even if he did that, I expect your response would be 'but what if I see the GP/get therapy...would you like me then?'!!

After I sent that text at 9 this morning, I switched my phone off. It's stayed off ever since.

I don't think about him constantly, yes it pops into my mind a few times a day and I get a bit sad at how things went, but that's the extent of it.

Not obsessional thinking at all.

Do you remember MrsSnape and how she morphed into Boxy? Don't be that poster.

In your long post this morning, you described a lot of interactions between you, then asked what to make of it all.

From what you retold in your post, I'd say it's clear he enjoys sex with you but doesn't have deep feelings for you. Love and sex are not always combined. He feels a bit bad about wanting sex with you, given he's not in love with you. He's realised how keen you are for a proper relationship, and is worried about letting you down.

It was weird of him to say "Marry me". But the signs are that his relationship skills aren't the most sophisticated, so I'd ignore that if I were you. It's possible he was testing you, to see how keen you were.

Well done on not poking about for him when you were in the school! You're improving

So why did he say all that crap a week ago then! And then some more on the Thursday - that's my point!

On Thursday night, it was him looking all upset with head in hands saying that he wants to be with me...so why is he ending it. HIM.

I was the one saying that I'm clearly not right for him, he kept shaking his head and looking more upset...he then said he was 100% sure his feelings had 'come back' and that they'd never left anyway.

WHY say all that if it was bollocks, then end it for good the next day?!

Especially as at that time, I was saying that he was making the right decision in ending things and telling him not to worry (and meaning it at the time) - why didn't he just agree and get gone!?

He is bonkers too

garlic I know it seems silly to say "I haven't even done this psycho behaviour" but my point was, if I was THAT bad, that obsessed...then it's what I'd have done. It never even crossed my mind.

I get your point about the sex; it's just all this time he's been saying he can't have sex if there's no 'emotional connections' - and there have been times when we've shared the bed and he hadn't even tried anything on, or when he's left because he didn't feel like he had feelings for me at that time, so didn't want sex.

OMG you're still texting him this morning and it only pops in your head a few times a day - yeah right!!

I bet you made a right show of him turning up at his Karate class if he had to walk you home to get shut of you. Bet you were a blubbering mess begging for him to just see you, just talk to you, marry you, move in with you. Why did he feel the need to walk you home?

No not obsessional thinking at all!!

He's an immature clown with the emotional depth of a starfish. tell him to sling his hook and hold out for a proper grown up man and not this twerp.

well Hashtag it's possible he has issues I guess...he did do a lot of pacing and looking traumatised, even in bed on the Thurs night he had a 'moment' where he was turning over onto his front, burying his head into the pillow, he cried at one point (or faked it, I don't know...it was into the pillow) and then said he had no idea what to do, he wants to make it work but doesn't know how...I think he said.

So if he was thinking then that he just didn't have enough feelings for me, then really he should've gone home rather than tell me that his "feelings never went".

Maybe he's worried about your reaction.

Maybe he's a spineless nobber.

Maybe part of him enjoys the ego trip.

FD - No. The class was due to start at 8pm so I waited at the side of the community centre, by the front door. I didn't go in. He drove in, parked up, saw me and came over, and then we walked to the side road and talked.

No idea why he walked me home, but he said it was because he cared and no - I didn't cry, or shout. Actually. He was pacing around a bit, saying he wanted to do it but couldn't, and didn't know why.

I texted him this morning...left him alone Saturday afternoon and sunday, left him alone the rest of today (usually I admit, if he didn't answer I'd be texting again asking him not to ignore me, this time I haven't.)

Actually, he does sound bonkers. Unstable. I bet that's why his sister keeps him close.

I've witnessed something similar to this in real life - the woman was/is a morass of emotional-psychological confusion, but very adorable until you discover the neediness, and the man was a sweetie but just flamin' hopeless at knowing his own feelings or how to handle them.

After months of increasingly cringeworthy developments, he called the police and she was arrested for harassment. Some other people, including their children, got very hurt by all of it.

Please don't be that woman! Go see your GP, start learning how to be more at peace with yourself.

I think in all honesty most people have issues of some sort but clearly your not even suited to one abother.

Your best bet is forgetting about this man, working on yourself and enjoying your dc. Then hopefully you will attract somebody less confusing.

Birds of a feather flock together, tis all. He's as screwed up in his own way as you are. Don't make that your problem- it isn't. Get yourself sorted out.

You must know that it isn't normal for grown men to weep into their pillows if they are enjoying themselves?

Enrol with MoodGYM - it's free online CBT and it works.

Mind you, I don't know why I'm trying to give you kind advice really- it seems like I am typing in invisible ink.

Yes, well I should have seen the signs when he was agonising over leaving that other woman...he was doing the head-in-hands thing then and looking very distraught.

AND when he text me one night before he split with her, some big dramatic text about how he was worthless and going to throw himself in 'the cut' (that means canal, right? He lives on a houseboat)...then when I replied all worried he went silent on me.

AND the time he said he was going to come and see me at 8pm, he didn't turn up and didn't answer my calls (only 2 of them; wasn't harassing honest!) and then finally replied at 8.30pm saying he'd been out to cut the grass and lost track of time...

Yeah he's got issues.

I went to the GP, they're thinking depression, hence the anxiety issues.

BOF lol yes...I knew he wasn't 'enjoying himself' and at the time I thought wtf, it was actually quite scary as when he gets like that, it's very intense and I've actually never seen anyone act like it - he curls up into the foetal position and everything. If he was just having doubts about whether he liked me enough then bloody hell...twas a bit of an overreaction!

I turned round and went to sleep at that point, didn't see the point in trying to 'comfort' him and he scared me a bit, he could have just got up and left..but nope, he apologised, cuddled up and said he loved me.

Good for you getting to the gp.
Drop him out, sort yourself out then worry about finding a fella.

Oh and...I have no idea who MrsSnape and Boxy are :/

I'm not bothered about finding a 'fella' though - this is my point.

I've truly never bothered about men...most of my previous relationships have been women and this guy knew that; he always said he was worried that because I always identified as gay that I was just kidding myself I was interested in him...or something.

I AM fine on my own...this year I need to learn to drive and I paid my £35 to not get into the London Marathon, so I'm going to have to start training for that soon because I'll need waaaay more than 6 months.

Also need to try and restart my college course, AND I'm making a treasure map for the PTFA summer fayre on June so I've got plenty to keep me busy.

I just hate when people aren't clear cut, and say things they don't mean.

MrsSnape had similar trouble with men (she also had a background of abuse iirc), then she went off-radar and reappeared as the Boxroom Troll, who posts repeatedly about variations on a theme. She's even admitted doing it. Issues galore.

It's much better to go and get real help, rather than ending up compulsively posting on forums about the same shit for validation.

You went to the GP? Well done!!

Really, 'Janny' is a bit of a mess, isn't he. You don't need any emotionally incontinent crackpots in your life at the moment. Put your efforts into you.

BOF Ohh...well I hadn't read any of her threads.

garlic - yes I'm going back in 2 weeks and then they're thinking CBT I think. I do think Janny has a few issues with wanting a relationship but being shit scared of commitment, which is a shame as he'll make someone a great partner if he just tries... and yes I'm very pissed off that I got myself involved with someone at the school - because assuming he hasn't left by then, he'll be involved with teaching my eldest in about 3 years' time. Hopefully he'll have gone elsewhere by then, though - or he will be mature about it.

Friday and Saturday I was gutted about it all, now I'm more 'upset' but can see it was for the best. I'm not one for relationships so I doubt I'll try again, that's the only reason I'm a bit sad about it but he was very intense and changeable...and I also feel bad that I 'convinced' him that I was right for him, he decided not to go to Aus and ended up finishing with that other woman who may actually have been right for him. He disagrees; says she wasn't but I can't help feeling bad.

Anyway will get over it, the 'upset' is moving along quite quickly so I'm sure I'll be fine soon enough.