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Original poster

New partner needing 'time'

951 replies

confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 15:54

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep :(

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 21/05/2013 14:41

I'm reading this thread absolutely agog.

OP why are you investing so much effort into what is clearly an unhealthy relationship? It doesn't seem to be making you happy.

Also you said you were with your ex for 9 months yet you have 3 DC with him. Then you say you've been single for 4 yrs yet your youngest DC is 21 months. You don't want relationship then you do. You tell this man he wants to finish with you then ask him if he's sure?

It's making my head spin just reading your posts, I can't imagine how exhausting it would be having a relationship with you.

This guy is as dysfunctional as you are by the sound of it.

TheRealFellatio · 21/05/2013 14:43

I know pinky I got in a tizz trying to do the maths as well!

unapologetic · 21/05/2013 14:44

Are you the same op who wrote a confusing thread about a man at your dc's school hiding from you around the corridors?

Floggingmolly · 21/05/2013 14:47

That other thread was posted little over a month ago, op.

You're moving way too fast.

pinkyredrose · 21/05/2013 14:48

This is the oddest thread ever and the OP doesn't seem to know if she's coming or going!

CVSFootPowder · 21/05/2013 14:48

Thanks for finding the other thread OP.

SlumberingDormouse · 21/05/2013 14:56

My gob is also totally smacked by this thread.

I suspect that any further advice to the OP will continue to fall on deaf ears, but here's another relevant article from the excellent Baggage Reclaim blog:

Landmarks v. Hallmarks of Relationships

OP, you don't have a relationship. You have a few hallmarks - 'regular sex, stuff in common, being introduced, talking about the future' - but no landmarks - 'intimacy, commitment, consistency, balance, progression, and shared values, plus love, care, trust, and respect'.

This man is NOT interested in a relationship with you.

TheRealFellatio · 21/05/2013 15:01

OK OP sorry I did miss the explanation about the head teacher.

I have just skimmed through all of your posts again. I am starting to think he is not a dick at all, but just a poor bewildered bloke who started a new relationship with someone who is so fricking high maintenance it's unbelievable, and now he doesn't know quite how to extract himself from it. He's saying all the 'I am broken' stuff as the equivalent of saying 'it's not you, it's me'.

but actually I think it's you. You are scaring him.

TheRealFellatio · 21/05/2013 15:11

OK, read the other thread now. so what was the deal with the teacher? 'Boundary crossing' was mentioned there and i've invested so much time in this thread I feel I need to know now. Grin

glastocat · 21/05/2013 15:11

As I said on your previous thread, there is no way in hell he was every going to get a visa for Oz. Have you any idea how difficult it is to get in, at the very least you have to prove you are ina de facto relationship, which her, err , wasn't. And somehoww I doubt if janitor/ tuck shop staff is on the skilled shortages list. Grin

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 21/05/2013 15:18

Other things that don't quite add up, imho
#his sister isn't a people person, yet she is the head of the school
#the children, all 3 of them, all go to bed at 7:30 pm every night, and they all don't make a peep until 5:45am... forgive me, but does OP give them a sleep aid/lock them in their room?
#OP is in marketing...just a deep down hunch, but are we all being used as a study/experiment to see how long we tolerate will be baited by which phrasing/development, hang on for more, on this thread (as the other thread only lasted 3 pages)?

I am with ShineyShoes and the other "doubters" here. I really can not give the benefit of my doubt anymore.

Good Luck, Confusedisitme and please take your dc with you to the GP for counselling (psychological talk therapy) for them too...if by perchance this is real.

KatieScarlett2833 · 21/05/2013 15:24

I had 2 who slept every single night from 7:30 to 7am the next day so I don't find that unusual at all.

iwantanafternoonnap · 21/05/2013 15:29

The kids sleeping is fine mine pretty much sleeps form 7:30 until 7 however, the rest of it is a headfuck!

I feel sorry for this man. You clearly have very many issues. Just leave the bloke alone, you clearly hound him and he just isn't strong enough to tell you to feck off!

Blimey you have made me look utterly normal

iwantanafternoonnap · 21/05/2013 15:29

The kids sleeping is fine mine pretty much sleeps form 7:30 until 7 however, the rest of it is a headfuck!

I feel sorry for this man. You clearly have very many issues. Just leave the bloke alone, you clearly hound him and he just isn't strong enough to tell you to feck off!

Blimey you have made me look utterly normal

TheRealFellatio · 21/05/2013 15:42

Having read the other thread, even the way you got together is highly bizarre. I think that finding him on FB and sending him a message just because he was friendly professionally pleasant to you at school is waaaay stalkerish and needy.

the reason he doesn't want people (including his sister) to know he's been seeing you is because you are one of 'those' parents that gets discussed in the staff room. i think he has got way in over his head and is probably a bit nervous about what you'll do if he breaks it off all together. Plus he sounds like a bit of a knob.

Floggingmolly · 21/05/2013 16:06

For someone who has only one Year 1 child in the school; you've made your presence felt in a big way, op.

The Head Teacher hates you, you've crossed some boundaries (whatever the hell that means) with one of the teachers, and now you're shagging the janitor!
It reads like one of the stories in those shite magazine, like Take a Break. they're not real either

EleanorHandbasket · 21/05/2013 16:19

She's smooshed their ages around, the older two are older iirc.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/05/2013 16:30

How can someone stay up til 4.30 talking with someone with no sex at the end

Perhaps this is my unromantic and cynical side of me but were you not tempted to hoof him out at half 10 and put the telly on? What on earth can someone say that is so interesting for that long?

God I am going to be alone forever. With my blankets and my box sets.

TheRealFellatio · 21/05/2013 16:37

There seem to have been lots of nights where they don't have sex and yet don't get any sleep whatsoever. the whole thing is mighty odd.

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/05/2013 16:40

How can you do that with three kids who get up at half 5?

Original poster
confusedisitme · 21/05/2013 16:49

Eleanor nope, those are the ages. Eldest was born in 2007.

So many questions and comments I've forgotten them all now...I didn't cross any boundaries with the teacher - he was a 'car salesman' as the Headteacher used to call him; very much all talk and no paperwork. Numerous small things such as not telling the parents there had been no spellings or homework set one week, so when DS came home telling me he had forgotten his spellings/homework folder I believed him, went to ask the teacher who gave a vague reply ("don't worry about it") and then when I asked in the office for further clairification, this teacher went to the Head and said (in her words) "it's always negative with her and she's always asking the same questions". Wouldn't have had to if he'd answered it properly in the first place.

So yes, basically the Head was probably pissed off at hearing him complaining about me, me about him etc. And then before Easter he just left really quickly - not sure how true it is but this ta/caretaker guy says that he left for a school in special measures nearer to his home, he needed to be released from him contract early as the other school wanted him in quick...which sort of ties in with the 'rumours' that were going around and what he himself said.

glasto - he did get a Visa, it's in his emails and he's shown it to me. Came through in early April.

Oh - and the reason I messaged him to say thanks was just because during this crap with the teacher, I was on the PTA and it happened to be in the run up to the Xmas Fayre, when I was in school (with others) quite a bit prepping stuff. He kept acting really strangely around me, seemed to be avoiding me and it was very uncomfortable - this ta seemed to be interested in me (flirtyish and always seemed to be turning up where I was) and was also the only one bothering to make sure he said hello and have a brief chat everytime he saw me, so it meant a lot at the time, with the atmosphere in school.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedisitme · 21/05/2013 16:50

Do what, GetOrf?

We only stayed up til 4.30 once, and that was right at the beginning (all of 4 weeks ago).

Since then when he's stayed over, we've gone to bed around 10pm but then talk/bicker and stuff until the bloody early hours usually, on and off. So ends up with only 3-4 hours sleep tops...and then we both die the next day :(

OP posts:
meddie · 21/05/2013 17:07

I'm, just WTF at the marriage proposal. How immature is this guy.
He probably thinks hes some kind of stud having a woman 20 years younger than him panting after him like some lovesick teen.
The whole scenario just smacks of desperation from both parties TBH.

You need to take a step back from this and decide whether you like him as a person, can trust him and want to build a relationship with him because of who he is, or whether you were just lonely and have been flattered by the attentions of old Cedric, because something is missing from your life.

Fedupnagging · 21/05/2013 17:12

Christ alive, life is too short for this- have you nothing better to do?

Sorry to be so forthright but it seems to me this relationship is going nowhere and all this over analysis is unhealthy.

Dump him.

Gingersstuff · 21/05/2013 17:21

I've gone from thinking he's a knob, to you're a knob, back to he's a knob now (but you're still a knob, though he's perhaps a bigger knob than you. Just.) What almost-60 year old acts like this??

4 weeks into a relationship and it should be all hearts, roses round the door and fantastico sex. Instead of which by your own admission, you've argued every single bloody time and are mindfucking each other into next week.

Can you not see that this is not normal?? With every post it just gets weirder. And you said that at least you've seen the very worst of each other?? Erm, no. No, you haven't. I would bet my right eye that you haven't.
The two of you are your very own disaster area.