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Original poster

New partner needing 'time'

951 replies

confusedisitme · 19/05/2013 15:54

I've recently started seeing someone - it's been under a month officially but we were very close before that for about 6 months.

He seems to come across as quite intense in his 'feelings' - always saying things like how he's broken, doesn't wan to lose me (said in that breathless, urgent way you'd imagine someone to say it in a cheesy american movie!) and the first week we were together he kept saying how strong his feelings were, felt like we'd been together a lot longer and all that stuff.

However, because he'd recently split up with someone and because of the fact I don't get on with a family member of his (I knew this family member before I knew him and we've never got along), he's been reluctant to tell anyone he's seeing me - he wanted to wait until the summer and then he felt like he'd be able to tell his close family members (including this person that hates me).
This caused issues between us, because I felt like we couldn't go out anywhere - he'd come and visit me at home, stay over etc and we have been out a few times out of town, but I want to just be able to go to the local restaurant or something in town and not worry that he'll be looking over his shoulder. He says I want everything 'now' and it's not possible...so because of this we argue - not full on rows, but niggly sort of things where usually one of us says we can't cope with it, and it's all up in the air again.

We were due to go out last night together, in town for a meal.

It'd been planned for 2 weeks, I had got my mum to have my three children overnight so we could go out (which meant me buying air beds and a travel cot so they could sleep at her house), and then Friday morning I had asked him to come over that night because we had been arguing and I wanted to try and fix us before I could go out with him the next night...eventually he agreed, we had a slight niggle but the rest of the night was fine, he said he couldn't lose me, the next morning he was very loving and we left on a good note - although he hadn't gone to sleep when I told him to that night, instead he kept trying it on for 90 minutes so we ended up only having about 4 hours' sleep :(

It got to 5pm on Saturday, the kids had already gone to my mum's and he text saying he was very tired, hadn't had a chance to sleep and would have to stay home - then didn't seem to understand why I was pissed off. I asked him to stick to the arrangements, he said he needed sleep and it spiralled into this massive argument and him refusing to even come over and see me, but stay in the house with me and not go out...which annoyed me further.

Eventually at 9pm he agreed to come over but sleep on the sofa, but said it would be finished for good if I "made him" come over...so he turned up, was very cold (I'd hoped I could win him round a bit but it didn't happen) and eventually left again after saying he couldn't handle this, and I should've let him stay at home.

He's now saying we need to "work on positive texts and see how we go" - we can't see each other now until the weekend after next as we both have commitments, so he wants me to basically just send him chatty, random texts through the next couple of weeks, effectively covering up how hurt I am and not talking about 'us' until he decides whether he misses me and wants to try again or not.

I understand that all this arguing has got him down; it has me too, but on Friday night he said he can't lose me with that sense of urgency and passion that made it seem like he loved me...then last night he said his feelings had significantly reduced over the past week or so and he wants to se if he can get them back - to me, I don't want to wait around to see if his feelings reappear; if they went in the first place (mine haven't, despite the arguing) then it feels like I'd be losing the self respect I still have left by taking him back if he decided he wanted to.

Does that make sense at all?

Apologies for the essay...I suppose I'm just wondering if he's being unreasonable in what he's asking of me now, or I am.

PS - he did text me last night saying that he can't see how he can be with me, but the thought of not being with me hurts him like crazy; and that he just needs a bit of space from the arguing, and just positive texting for a week or so, and see if it helps his feelings reappear.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 21/05/2013 11:49

Good luck OP, I wish you well, truly.

TheRealFellatio · 21/05/2013 11:56

Stop the needy headfuckery. It makes you seem like a boiler of bunnies.

God yes. I'm not sure which one of you sounds worse to be honest.

Floggingmolly · 21/05/2013 11:56

You're track record doesn't seem great, op.
You managed to have 3 children with a man with whom you now claim "never have been really together with".
How did that work then? Did he not want his friends to know about you either? I'm wondering if you have ever actually had a proper relationship with anyone. You seem to expect (and get, unsurprisingly) so very, very little.

CinnabarRed · 21/05/2013 12:03

Still no answer to WeAreSix's highly relevant question about your mental health, then OP?

Original poster
confusedisitme · 21/05/2013 12:04

I thought we were together.

We planned our first two children, talked about it, he was adamant he'd be there, always wanted a little girl, he was there through the pregnancies but unfortunately became violent towards the end of my second pregnancy.

Our third child was conceived when he was busy making promises he wanted to be with me, loved me etc. That, I admit, was stupid but if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't have had my youngest little boy who is amazing.

Yes, we went out with his friends after the first week, I got on well with them they were great guys. And his mum lived opposite, his family all within walking distance so I'd met them within the first few weeks, too.

But he was a controlling, violent git and when we'd split I found out he'd been sleeping around behind my back all along, with the woman he's now living with.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedisitme · 21/05/2013 12:06

The last thing WeAreSix posted was telling me to sort my mental health out first.

I have an appointment with my GP on Friday morning.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 21/05/2013 12:06

Oh love, no wonder your self esteem is in flitters Hmm
Have you had counselling?

Original poster
confusedisitme · 21/05/2013 12:13

No. There are other issues from my past, which people who have read my previous threads will know about, but basically a heck of a lot of people I was meant to trust, betraying me.

Hence the skewed ability to 'read' people.

You know what it was that got me doubting this guy? He built me up so much - I told him about my past (as a means to explain why I couldn't have sex with him in the first couple of weeks...athough remember we'd been seeing each other as friends for about 6 months altogether) and he has always made a real effort to tell me I'm beautiful, I make him feel amazing, I'm great with the kids and they look very happy and well loved, I'm funny...etc etc. In fact it was quite overwhelming because no one has really bothered before.
So I started thinking that he was only saying it to try and control/manipulate, maybe it was another way of abusing me (and this was just from my past, not because I thought he WAS like that) and that because he knew about my past, he COULD use it against me to hurt me.
No signs that he would, but my ex did it.

So yeah...I know I need counselling. I've phoned the Women's Aid helpline a lot in the past, but in a way I can never really see what good talking does (even though I've done it a lot on this thread!) - how can people knowing about my past, help? I know why I am the way I am, so it's down to me to change it.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedisitme · 21/05/2013 12:16

Having said all that, and if I go into more detail about my ex, although we planned the children (or I thought we had), there were so many genuine red flags - he was always putting me down, from not making the tea right, to my tops being too low cut, to flirting with his friends (I didn't, they were just genuinely kind to me, unlike him) but because I was 'in love' I thought and very young and naïve, I ignored all that.

This guy I believe, is different. He really does seem to make such an effort to make me feel good, his eyes sparkle when he looks at me and I believe him.

Might end up looking a fool but I don't want to try and break it anymore, just in case I'm right and this is a good thing I've got here.

Which I know, sounds insane.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 21/05/2013 12:17

It will help you to see people as they are. It sounds like your perception is a little off at the moment, understandibly, counselling is good for this. As is freedom programme.

KatieScarlett2833 · 21/05/2013 12:17

It will help you to see people as they are. It sounds like your perception is a little off at the moment, understandibly. Counselling is good for this. As is freedom programme.

WeAreSix · 21/05/2013 12:18

Fair enough, I'll rephrase.

Would you - and he for that matter - consider putting your relationship on the back burner while you sorted out your mental health? If he's a real man, wanting a real relationship then he'll wait.

Original poster
confusedisitme · 21/05/2013 12:19

At one point a couple of weeks ago, he said that if I needed time to think about things then he would give me as much time as I needed.

He suggested September and I just thought that was too long.

So yes, he probably would.

OP posts:
ladyjadie · 21/05/2013 12:22

A 38 year old woman saying "not in a lolz sort of way" Hmm

You are immature.

The texting him saying, "oh well it looks like you want it to be over, bye" then him replying what he did, then you texting AGAIN, saying "oh well are you 100% sure", Jesus Christ that is exactly what I did when I got into arguments with my first boyfriend.

WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD

You might well have BPD. But you will only find out if you go to the Doctors and are honest, showing him this thread is a good example. Speaking as someone who has been diagnosed as this myself (and no I don't get hallucinations or hear things, those are only two of a list of criteria) and who has acted like this in a relationship before, you need to seek psychiatric help and be on your own when you do it

You are being jerked around by your own emotions to the extent that your actions are reduced to that of a child.

The taking his shoe thing? Classic panic reaction to being abandoned

You defend saying "well I've heard of whirlwind love affairs that work out". Yeah, because everything is milk and honey and then when that wears off those people are lucky (and realistic) enough to still make it work. They don't start off in a fucking tempest of teenage angst.

I know you won't read this but

GET THEE TO A THERAPST FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S SAKE AND YOUR OWN SANITY

Original poster
confusedisitme · 21/05/2013 12:26

I was joking around when I said the "lolz" thing. Doesn't matter.

The list of criteria for the BPD, I took from the MIND website and on there it states to get a diagnosis, you need at least 5 of the 'symptoms'.

I don't.

Depression, possibly. So as I said, I have a GP appointment booked.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 21/05/2013 12:31

Low self esteem in my notatall professional opinion Wink

WeAreSix · 21/05/2013 12:31

Glad you're going to GP. You may view this entire situation differently when you don't have a fog of depression around you.

For now, my advice (having had depression & anxiety) I would focus entirely on your own health and the well being if your children. Once you're on the other side of depression then consider a relationship.

Original poster
confusedisitme · 21/05/2013 12:34

I can see your point...

and I'm looking up the Freedom Programme too.

Thanks everyone, I have taken on board everything you've all said, even though it looks like I haven't.

OP posts:
WeAreSix · 21/05/2013 12:35

Have a look at Mindfulness, too.

Original poster
confusedisitme · 21/05/2013 12:39

Ok I will, haven't heard of that. Thanks :)

OP posts:
WeAreSix · 21/05/2013 12:46

It's really helped me get through some very difficult times. Good luck :)

TheRealFellatio · 21/05/2013 13:04

suddenly decided to pipe up with "you're going to have to marry me you know" (lol exactly as someone up thread had said they were expecting) - he's said that before so I told him not to say things he doesn't mean, and can't back up with actions, he kept saying it and asking me to just say yes...but then I mentioned the fact no one knows about us and he said he wants to make sure we aren't arguing every time we see each other first.

Shock And he's sure now, obviously. Hmm

Oh for goodness sake. I mean seriously - you withold sex for a few days and this is what happens. So after less than a month of constant arguing, and to-ing fro-ing over whether he is or is not 'broken' enough to have a proper, out in the open relationship with you, and only a couple of days after telling you to just 'send him positive texts for a couple of weeks' and he'll see how he feels.....a marriage proposal.

I am losing the will to live with this now.

Shinyshoes1 · 21/05/2013 13:17

This isn't real it can't be this must be made up. No one acts like this surely

If this is real you have HUGE issues and I feel sorry for your children , really I do Sad

KatieScarlett2833 · 21/05/2013 13:25

At least the OP is trying to make sense of this and is going to get support.
I don't at all feel sorry for OPs children, why would you?

GetOrfMoiLand · 21/05/2013 13:27

He was going to move to Australia in April? And has only just split up with the women he was going to move there to be with?

That's only 5 minutes ago and now he is talking seriously about marrying you?

You seem so keen to blame yourself for everything that I don't think you can see clearly how WEIRD he is.

There is no need to accept a strange old man like this. I agree with others take some time to build up your esteem so you refuse to give lunchpackets like this the time of day in the future.