sister and the past

[violetsrblue]

Basically at the moment I feel very sad about my relationship with my sister. It's complicated. We grew up in a difficult household. I had my son as a teenager. First my mother then later my sister took over and I feel, damaged my relationship with my son. Fast forward to now, my son has two children and of course is close to my sister. I feel jealousy to the point of rage about him and her, if he mentions her I feel like shit, though I try not let it show. Mostly I just lead a life separate from her and the rest of the family and deal with it on my own, but with visits to see my son and his family which I enjoy.

So really the only problem is feeling so hurt, because I don't think I could be doing anything differently, except I would like to say sorry to my son for all the ways I was a shit parent ro him.

I feel weird because I'veve been looking back and seeing my sister as not a very nice person who's been treating me badly for years, like my mother did. She seems cold and manipulative to me whereas the story is that she's a nice , warm, generous and motherly person. It's freaky to look at the past like this. I knew my childhood was bad, but in my mind she's becoming someone I really feel appalled by, but she's in my son's life in a big way.

I've posted about this before, and realize that it goes on and on ad infinitum, but it does help to get it down and I appreciate it if anyone has got this far.

I haven't read any of your previous posts, so am responding only to what you have written in your OP. You seem to be struggling with the contrast between how you see your sister and how she is seen by others, which you describe as a "story".

There could be several reasons for this contrast.

1. It's entirely possible to be one person in a particular social setting, and another person entirely is a different setting. For example I am quite different at work from how I am a home. I am different between being with my mother's family, and being with my father's. Maybe your sister found it necessary to be one person in what you describe as a "difficult household", but felt able to be a different person with your son?

1. She has changed over the years, and they are describing her as she is now whilst you still have the image of how she was then foremost.

1. She is able to be 'on best behaviour' around others, but isn't with you as you know her so well.

1. Your memories have been affected by your unhappiness with how things have worked out.

1. You said you've been looking back and "seeing my sister as not a very nice person who's been treating me badly for years, like my mother did." Did your mother also treat her badly? Was your mother's behaviour the model that your sister followed? Just as you have been affected by your mother's treatment, your sister will also have been affected. She might be struggling to put it behind her too.

And that's just off the top of my head. I'm sure there are more possibilities.

I guess I'm trying to say that it's possible that your sister is cold and manipulative; or has been in the past but has changed; or isn't but considering her to be so is a way for you to deal with your distressing past. Maybe a combination of all three, or something completely different. I don't know.

You said that "in my mind she's becoming someone I really feel appalled by". 'Becoming', not 'is'. So the more you're thinking about it, the more it changes?

Thanks WhereYouLeftIt I appreciate you taking the time to reply, and am sorry it's taken me so long to respond.

I think what is happening is that I'm spending much less time with my family than I used to, and that is giving me a different perspective.

But it feels like I don't know what to think, now that I am free to.

I am very jealous of my son's relationship with his aunt, and that clouds everything. I try and just deal with it because it's not his fault he's close to her, but inside I'm bitter that instead of helping me with him (I was very young) my mother and the rest of the family took over and I got excluded. Or, I excluded myself, basically pretty much gave up. It was horrific, for years.

It's cathartic to write it down. It's very raw, and having grandchildren brings it back.

Oh, that sounds hard. Maybe you could one day talk with your son about it. The main thing is that you are in his life now, and close to him - you say you enjoy spending time with him and his family.

No matter how much they took over, you are his mother and always will be. He may be in touch with his aunt but it will never compete with his relationship with you. It's so great that given what happened you have still had a close relationship with him.

I too have a mother and sister who would totally take over in this situation so I sympathise. It sounds like you have done really well.

I say this all the time on here, but have you had any therapy? I really would recommend it. You have to work through this - and a therapist will recognise the themes and will validate you.

I am inclined to believe your take on this. I may be wrong. My sister has done pretty much the same with my (adult) children. the pain and the rage I feel is immense.

if your family was toxic, it is often the case that they select a scapegoat (and often a Golden Child) in order to manage the family dysfunction. It works very well for them, but it doesn't work for you if you are the designated scapegoat. (It's not great for the Golden Child, either, but that's another story...)

You might have a look at that site. Some very interesting stuff on there. (passing it on - got details of that site only yesterday on MN)

Thanks so much for your kind, lovely replies, they really help.
I've had some therapy but it was a bit damaging in some ways, though helpful in others (maverick, non NHS therapist). I'm on a waiting list now for CAT (Cognitive Analytical Therapy) on the NHS, have done a bit of CBT.

I've also said this on here but imo eg CAT, CBT etc are very good for learning skills to manage emotional/psychological pain, but imo nothing replaces the core work with a therapist of exploring and coming to terms with dysfunctional and damaging patterns in our past. And this takes time - years.

I'm sorry you've had a damaging experience with a therapist. I have too, but one soldiers on. I've had some very good therapy, too.

I am currently in a NHS therapy group, which is very good (as far as these things go..). 16 weeks and it's not half bad. I am also in individual therapy, separately. Everything helps.

I don't think I was clear there^^ -

imo the skills learned at eg CBT, CAT etc are marvellous and very much part of recovery from childhood dysfunction/abuse etc.