Permission for lunch

[Wuldric]

This isn't a biggy, really it isn't, but I would welcome some Mumsnet perspective.

Every Sunday, I cook lunch. Whoever wants to come is welcome to come. That's always been my attitude. It's generally family, us, grandparents, aunts, or if anyone is staying, then them too.

Today, I made a point of inviting some friends. They are mainly my friends tbh, but still, long-standing friends.

DH has just erupted saying that he doesn't want them to come for lunch and I should have asked his permission before issuing the invitation. I boggled a bit and then countered with, well, your sister comes here virtually every Sunday and I don't mind. The more the merrier as far as I am concerned.

DH has huffed off and I am sure he is about to be rude to our friends. They are lovely, not hard work at all and volunteered a pudding. So who is being unreasonable? Am I or DH?

I told my DH, an hour before we dished up, that I'd just had a text from a friend and invited her and her DCs to Sunday dinner. He just smiled.
Why did you get such an over reaction?

I think it is the introvert/extrovert thing that Numberlock has touched on. To me, this really was a very minor thing, almost not worth mentioning. Another few for Sunday lunch. Maybe for DH this is a bigger issue. I dunno.

He has sulked all evening, claiming that it was too much work. FWIW I did all the cooking and all the clearing up. It impinged upon him not one iota.

I do hate sulking. It is the most ridiculous behaviour.

Give him a week off next Sunday.

Well you say that, but his sister and her DP are going to be back from their holiday. Plus his sister's DP's son, plus his niece. When you say that I should give him the weekend off, what do you mean? For sure DH will want them all over for lunch. Am I supposed to shut up shop?

Wuldric I am probably like your husband in this situation, I just like to have a relatively quiet time on Sundays and would be really annoyed if my husband invited some friends over without asking me (as bound to be his friends) - but this is exactly the type of thing he would do and really not get why I wasn't keen! He probably sees family as people he can relax around.

However, once they arrived I would be fine with it, and I hope I wouldn't sulk too much. I am also better with prearranged things, I hate last-minute changes. I realise this is quite inflexible and not very sociable though.

Ok so not next Sunday specifically but another Sunday. Soon.

"Okay so I have to remember to run it by him first ..."

Don't you fucking dare!

He invites HIS family, you invite YOUR'S/Friends. It seems that he thinks that the job you hold is to entertain HIS family, but not actually have the right to providing hospitality of your own.

It seems like you are being treated like staff here.

I would address this directly, say 'what do you want to do next Sun? This Sunday you felt there were too many people and it was too much work, I don't want you to feel the same way again next Sun when there's all these people who could come- shall we not bother?'

If he says, oh no, I'd love my family over, just calmly point out that it's not ok for him to invite lots of people and not you.

Or you could play it the sneaky way (not really my thing) and say 'you were right darling, it was a lot of work this Sun, let's have a break for a couple of weeks' and watch him bluster. Depends on your style.

I do admire people who can do those large roasts and not be phased by extra guests, I have never got the hang of entertaining and I always wish I was like this and didn't just find it one big stress.

I think it would be quite fair to establish rules.

When he wants to invite his family in he should ask you first and you should have your equal share of guests around, without him complaining.

And he should cook for his side of the family too.

Yes, I too enjoy a quiet weekend. A weekend where I can slob around contentedly. DH on the other hand gets restive ... Usually ...

You need to talk about this. Sulking is the behaviour of a 3 year old, so he has to stop and tell you what his problem is.

Can you tackle him? Ask him to explain exactly what his problem was? And point out that the potential for more people next Sunday is high, so it needs to be dealt with now, so you both know what is happening.

The whole thing sounds fundamentally unfair, and he is treating you like staff, but you can stop this now by the pair of you talking about it. He should be helping in some way too, helping clean up at least, but it would be fairer if you are cooking that he does the whole clean-up.