Is saying "I'm going to go for full custody of the DC" just part of the script when you're seperating?

[riverbank]

H has just announced this, he has a long, long list of reasons but basically he's maintaining that he is a better parent than I am. He's not a bad parent, he's perfectly adequate, but I'm not a good parent too so the chances of him getting the DC full-time are pretty low.

I've talked it over with some close friends and one of them thinks that it's just posturing, he has no control over me anymore because I'm the one who wants to separate and this is just a scare tactic to try to pull me into line or punish me. I'm hoping that once he's talked to a solicitor he will see that taking this to court will be pointless and expensive.

In your collective experience do men usually back down on this before it goes to court? I'm worried that it will all get a bit nasty and things will be said that can't be unsaid. I'm really trying hard to do all of this amicably as we have young DC so will have to co-operate on bringing them up for many years.

My Ex has absolutely no interest in being a parent, hasn't seem them in over 9 months even when DS as seriously ill but regularly emails this threat.

So much so, I don't even bat an eyelid. Its merely an act to show the DC in future to go along with this "I did all I could, I tried to see you/have you story"

It's often accompanied by ridiculous holiday plans, apologies that "we couldn't work out a suitable time to see DC this week (more like this year) and assurances he plans to "continue to co parent with me"

Oh the best phrase he uses is "our mutually agreeable parenting strategy" yep you buggered off and I agreed you were best off there.

Its all a plan to show DC that they tried, when in reality no DC will ever fall for it.

Right, I'll sit it out then. I will be getting legal advice, mostly to know what sort of settlement I'm most likely to get and to find out what is the worst that H can do via the courts.

Regarding the family home he said that he hadn't done anything wrong and he wasn't going to leave his home (he's quite fixated on everything having a 'fault' whereas I have approached this separation from the point of view of differing expectations of marriage, ie no fault). I think he thought I would be upset by that, or that we would have a big shouty argument, but I said he could have the house. We haven't been in this house all that long and I'm not particularly attached to it and, so long as the lawyers don't get all our money, there should be enough for me to buy a smaller house outright.

Our financial situation is quite complicated so we will be going for financial mediation. A lot of our assets are tied up in various things, but there is some cash which I have access to and I'm from a wealthy family so, worst come to worst, I could borrow money and pay it back after the settlement. I'm hoping to have a final settlement with no further payments due, no spousal support or child support, so that there is less potential for future disagreements. One of my friends is still having to chase her exH through the courts every few years to get her child maintenance and they have been divorced for about 15 years, I don't want to be doing that.

It's all bullshit, and very, very common with abusive men. You're supposed to cave in and obey him immediately because he is A Man and Has Superpowers.
Are you binning him for abuse, or for infidelity? If he's been abusive then joint counselling is not a very good idea; most competent, reputable counsellors will not deal with an abuser. But if your finances are complicated, do get a good solicitor and listen to his/her advice and remember that your STBXH is your enemy so not to be trusted.

No, not off-loading him for abuse or infidelity, just tired of coming last on his list of priorities (it sounds so little, but it grinds you down over the decades and I can't face it for the rest of my life).

Counselling is great, I find it very helpful because it keeps a discussion on track until it's resolved. There's no going off at tangents. He doesn't appear to be using counselling as an ammunition gathering exercise. But I guess he's working his way through a sort of grieving process. He didn't see this coming (he really wasn't paying me any attention at all) he has been shocked for a while and then very sad, so with any luck this is just the anger stage and he will become more co-operative in a while.

How old are the children? Are they old enough to have a say? If he does go through with this custody idea and they are old enough, courts may want to know their opinion.

What would you do if the kids said they wanted to stay with dad?

When my parents split up I wanted to live with my dad. My mum was EA though and I am sure you are not so maybe normal kids just want to be with mum. My mum didn't care what I wanted and dad told me later there wouldve been no point in trying to fight for custody, it was a long time ago and back then dads had less rights.

I think he's just saying it, but please if kids are old enough and there is no abuse from your STBEX maybe involve them in decisions on living/contact arrangements?

I know of a few cases, the response "well take them now" has been enough.

OP your stbx isn't thinking about his children he is thinking about them as possessions.

Just to dive in with a comment about borrowing from your family until the settlement comes through... My parents also offered to help me out until everything was sorted. I mentioned it in passing to my solicitor, and they said to avoid it - This might end up being counted within joint assets when you have a settlement, and I'm sure they're not giving you money so that half of it goes to your ex.

There's also the potential that you'll come across as having another source of money which you can dip into whenever you need to.... also weakening your position when reaching a settlement.

Good luck. Oh and DH has also said that if I don't agree to his demands he'll go for full custody. I've ignored it and it hasn't come to anything.

Oh mine said the same, he would demand 50/50 I said no you fucking won't you'll have them full time and i shall pop along once a fortnight like father bloody christmas spoil them rotten and you can live in poverty.
Funnily enough I've not heard a peep since.

Yes. XP ranted it a few times, said he'd get the kids. When it came to it he refused to see the dc's if it interfered with his social life and lie-ins and hasn't seen them in 4yrs now.

I'd take it with a huge pinch of salt.

Definitely part of the script! XP threatened this a few times. My punishment for having the audacity to break up with him was to inflict fear on me. He has refused to see DS for the last 11 years, so I do see threats like this as coming from a shit and nasty bastard

I'll bear that in mind about borrowing from family Noregrets78, although I would have thought that it would be considered a debt and therefore cancel itself out.

He's not really making any demands yet so I don't think he's saying this to try to scare me into compliance. I expect there will be a bit of intense discussion when it comes to splitting assets but he's not the type to make overt threats, he's more the type to be obstructive and slow.

For those who have asked about what the DC want re who to live with, I think they are too young still to make an informed decision. Two are early primary and one is pre-school. DD1 (older child) can be easily bribed so would probably want to stay with whoever offers the most toys and sweets. DS (middle child) is very attached to this house and isn't keen on new things or moving around but I think he would cope with two separate homes so long as there was a known and predictable pattern (eg the same days every week or one week with me and one week with him) but wouldn't cope at all with an ad hoc set up. He would probably be discombobulated by being picked up by one parent if he was expecting the other. DD2 is completely easy-going and only cares that there is someone to chat to her and feed her.

We haven't told the DC yet, H wants to wait until everything is decided and a plan has been made. I think he's probably right about that as DS would be very anxious at the thought of a future, unknown change.

Do not say 'come and get them, then' or words to that effect. He probably won't take you up on it but you don't want it ever quoted back in court, or to your children, either.

Other than that, yes, its just something he's saying to try and bring you back into line. Ignore.

OMG he is a mega-arse. In our counselling session on Tuesday he said that he is thinking of the best interests of the DC and I am not because I know that they are better off with him but I am afraid of social condemnation if I let them stay with him.

He has also mastered the art of the short piss-boiling comment as we leave counselling and walk back to our cars. The most recent is "I'm sorry if this is hurting you River, it's the last thing I want to do but one of us has to put the DC's best interests first so that's what I'm doing."

How about the short response:
"No you're not doing this to put the children first, you're doing this to be an areshole."?

Good luck.

I'm not going to call him an arse-hole (even though he absolutely is) because I'm pretty sure he's trying to rile me so that he can claim I'm abusive towards him. So I am being incredibly reasonable and saying non-personal stuff like "I really don't think that your approach is in the best interests of the DC" and trying to pin him down to specific reasons why he thinks he should have them rather than just the generalised "they are better off with me" which he seems to think will be reason enough. Every specific reason he gives is rubbish enough to be shot down countered by me in a logical fashion.

I think he is projecting actually, as he is quite concerned with his public image and I couldn't care less what people think of me. He is a far more pro-active parent in public, practically elbowing me out of the way to be seen to do stuff for them. In private he is a perfectly adequate parent and will look after them if I'm busy or if they specifically want him to do something rather than me but isn't at all pro-active and has a tendency to sneak off somewhere quite with his computer to do some work. I suspect that this wanting the DC all the time thing will either make him out to be a hero Dad bringing up the DC who were abandoned by their Mum if he gets them or the tragic Dad whose DC were stolen from him even though put up a brave fight. Deep down he would be appalled if he did have them full-time as he lives for his work and just doesn't have the time to do all the to-ing and fro-ing needed.

He sounds infuriating. And he sounds like the sort of man who would try to get full custody, because he wants control, and he wants to boost his public image at your expense.

I'm sure you're right about projecting, riverbank, and that he will try to play the hero regardless of the outcome. You sound so calm and rational in response....bravo to you

I am quite calm. I think it's because I'm relieved that I'm not going to be spending years and years more with him. And because I'm detaching emotionally his old triggers don't really work anymore. It used to be that if he said I was making his life difficult, or that I was being selfish then I would try to find a compromise that would make him happier, but now he could be reciting poetry for all I care. I can sit there and listen to him saying that I put myself before the DC and not feel guilty or feel a need to defend myself because there is no need to defend against nonsense.

Of course, now that I have a new attitude, he says that I'm cold and unfeeling. And I am, but only towards him.