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Original poster

Boyfriends mum asking personal questions

19 replies

SarahGoodwin33 · 18/05/2013 02:52

As some of you know I am ts and living full time as a woman. I have had breast surgery and awaiting the full op.
Been getting on great with recent boyfriend and up to now his family have been very accepting and treated my like the woman I know I am. Ok so there are some awkward moments but I've lived with that for years and know how to handle them, none of them are deliberate.
I have been to see his mum today on my own as I he asked me to drop something in to her whilst I was nearby seeing my sister. We had a cup of tea and chatted about the pending shopping trip which has been delayed a couple of weeks. She then asked about us as a couple and how were we getting on to which I just thought was her being polite.
I told her fine and that we are talking about a holiday and then she asked if I travel as Sarah or do I 'revert' (her words) back to my old self for passport reasons.! I was quite shocked as I thought she would know that I am Sarah through and through and no part of my previous life has any part of my life now. I explained that Sarah is my name and my passport reflects this, in fact why should it be any different.
She then said she was sorry if she had upset me but she can't help being curious and particularly wonders about our sex life! I was too shocked to speak and just sat their felling myself go very red. I stuttered and just said that its a private subject and we love each other like any other boyfriend/girlfriend and show it in ways we find mutually enjoyable.
She then got very apologetic and at that point I made my excuses and left. I was quite upset and tried to tell myself that its just another example of someone not talking appropriately when faced with a situation which is new to them.
I am lying awake worrying about it and don't want to mention it to my bf and just hope it doesn't affect our relationship.
Should i just brush it off and move on?

OP posts:

FattyMcChubster · 18/05/2013 02:58

I've no experience but maybe she felt like askin you questions would help her understand more? Maybe get you both talking and become closer? I'd have been very at her mentioning sex though. None of her business. Maybe chalk it up to an awkward attempt at understanding things more on her point.

malteserzz · 18/05/2013 03:12

Sounds like she's genuinely curious rather than disapproving, she shouldn't be asking about your sex life though ! Could you point her in the direction of some websites/books to help her understand

SodaStreamy · 18/05/2013 03:22

I too think she is curios more than anything else. perhaps her asking about your sex life is a clumsy why of wondering if you have a dock or her have the full change iyswum

It should not matter, does sound like she's trying to understand and she might not feel comfortable asking her son directly

Steffanoid · 18/05/2013 04:40

the way I feel with situations is to be direct and ask, I find it a lot more respectful than say talking behind that persons back or even just speculating and getting the complete end of the stick, it has got me in some odd conversations over the years and I have now learnt to warn.people that if what im going to ask makes them uncomfortable to just say, but j find honesty is the best policy and people are generally happier you ask so you can hear it straight from the horses mouth.

without knowing you personally id have probably wondered about your passport if I didn't know how far along the process? you were, dont think id you were my son's gf id have approached sex in the same conversation though...

LittlePeaPod · 18/05/2013 05:04

Sorry to hear you so upset. But have you considered that maybe she feels comfortable enough with you to be able to talk to you openly and honestly?. She sounds like she may have just been trying to understand. My MIL is really nosy and can be tactless. She has done (turn up with 5 different types of pre preganacy vitamin to help DF and i concieve only a few days post a really painful mc which resulted in me spending time in hospital), asked some personal and ridiculous things in the past but she means no harm. She just honestly and innocently doesn't see hw her actions/words can impact people. I find the older my MIL gets he less artful she becomes.. I still love her to buts though..

TheFallenNinja · 18/05/2013 05:08

This sounds like the big standard mum and cup of tea interview.

Sounds like she's trying to understand and you can either help her, or, not.

In the instance I don't understand something I can't think of any other way to understand without asking questions and as an adult I'm happy to respectfully ask them.

You are with her most prized thing in the world with, by the sounds of it no opposition, help her understand.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2013 06:03

I think you have to accept that you are and probably always will be a curiosity and that you're going to get questions. Similar to other people that are unusual or special in some way, I'd have thought it was better to have answers or rebuffs to those questions than to spend the rest of your life getting upset. Btw women IME tend to ask personal questions of other women... that's life.

ginslinger · 18/05/2013 06:35

I would never ask my DIL about her sexlife.

thepixiefrog · 18/05/2013 09:09

If my MIL asked about my sex life with her ds it would feel a very ick! None of her business! Although it doesn't sound like there is any ill-intent behind her questions, just curiosity. I would be honest with her and tell her how it made you feel and why, and establish boundaries about what you are comfortable with and what oversteps the mark.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2013 09:26

The phrase 'that's none of your business'.... is very useful when it comes to personal probing, I find.

HeathRobinson · 18/05/2013 09:35

If she's otherwise nice, I'd put it down to verbal clumsiness. She might be kicking herself now!

claudedebussy · 18/05/2013 09:39

not something i'd ask anyone but i don't think she was being nasty. just insensitive.

i would brush it off. and with any luck she'll never be so intrusive again!

QuintessentialOHara · 18/05/2013 09:43

I dont think she was trying to be nasty, she was just trying to understand, and went about it a bit insensitively. I can just imagine myself asking similar questions, because I can sometimes be blunt and thoughtless. If she is otherwise nice, I would just put it to the back of my mind.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/05/2013 09:48

I'm going to be direct, your relationship is different and perhaps will remain so while you have a penis. Once you have it chopped off and a vagina construction done it will probably make more sense to her.
(People can be very black and white about sex)

Until then she is going to wonder if your penis is used for sex and is probably wondering about the sexuality of her son - again, it's black and white thinking.

fortyplus · 18/05/2013 09:57

I'll be blunt too - if she knows that you have a penis she is probably trying to put this into the context of her son's previous relationships. One of dh's colleagues came out as tg about 18 months ago and has found that many men who are attracted to her are gay - she doesn't want to be a cross-dressing gay man she wants to be a straight woman. It's a complicated subject and I think you need to be pleased that - however embarrassing his mum's clumsy approach was - she is trying to understand and accept the situation. Be kind to her it sounds as though she means well. At least she had the good grace to apologise. Good luck with your relationship

lizzywig · 18/05/2013 13:49

My MIL walked in on DH & i having sex once and instead of leaving she sat down on the bed and started talking to us! Some women have no boundaries.

I've read a few of your threads and i genuinely think that she likes you and is happy you're with her son. I think that she probably doesn't understand a lot and so to be supportive asks (minus the brain filter). I think you handled it in the right way and don't have anything to worry about, although i can see whyyou would feel anxious :-)

A1980 · 18/05/2013 18:11

I'll be blunt it's because she is probably curious if her son is having penetrative sex with you especially if se knows that you haven't had the full op yet.

I would politely tell her that its between you and you bf.

MaryRobinson · 18/05/2013 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynetteScavo · 18/05/2013 21:39

You should brush it off amnd move on.

"its just another example of someone not talking appropriately when faced with a situation which is new to them"

Yes, it is. I would really want to ask the same questions as your bf mum asked. I would be wondering, but to scared to ask...please don't be upset, as it sounds as if you have a good relationship with her...she wouldn't have asked other wise.

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