More ExH nonsense

[ChangingWoman]

I'm one of the (many) posters who divorced feckless, alcoholic, spendthrift exHs. The backstory is pretty much the same as everyone else's and I've posted on here several times before.

After moving to a different town, rarely phoning DD, erratically turning up for contact etc.. ExH phoned me today to say that he didn't have enough money to visit DD this weekend.

"Oh?" Long pause where I expect he wanted me to jump in and offer to lend him (yet more) money.

"Could you bring DD over here instead?"

He apparently "only has £70 for the week" (NB rent is already paid, currently no commuting costs or other bills, lives alone, owes me several months maintenance etc..) and can't find £16 from this to catch a train over here for the day or afternoon.

On the one hand, I could go over to his town. I have friends there, as well as exSIL and BIL who it would be good to see. In theory, he could take DD to the park and I could go to a gallery or museum and have lunch with SIL.

On the other hand, I've had a very long week and really can't be bothered with the additional 3 hour round journey. (I commute this distance every working day and while I don't mind, it's good to have a break at the wekekend.) All I wanted to do this weekend was take DD to the park, buy a present for a friend's baby and go jogging while DD was out with her dad.

DD doesn't seem that fussed whether she sees him tomorrow or not but I know she does miss her dad when she doesn't see him for long periods.

I don't want to set a precedent of continuing to accommodate his refusal to manage money. I also don't want to be in a situation where he casually tags along because "DD wants to be with her mummy" and either me or his sister is expected to buy his lunch or he will sit there mournfully while we eat, telling DD that he has no food because he has run out of money (he earns well above national average wage but spends it all on booze and rubbish).

Yet again I should have just said no immediately. However, because he had already spoken to SIL who would apparently "love to catch up and go to X gallery", I said I would think about it and call back.

For years during our marriage, I would have loved to have £70 per week to spend on food for one person! This is like the occasions when he told me seriously that he couldn't contribute towards household bills or rent / mortgage because he had to pay off his "debt", meaning the hundred pounds in his name rather than the tens of thousands he had run up in mine. Aaaaaargh!

Yet again, I'm cross that I'm now wasting my time mulling over his crap. His money issues are self-inflicted and not my problem.

Tosser.

Just say no. 3 hour round trip will cost you more than £16 in fuel alone, surely, and it's not how you wanted to spend your weekend, and it sets a dangerous precedent. Maybe you could find a play date for DD so you could have that jogging time - but if you say yes, I suspect you'll feel resentful and put-upon, and why should you? Just say no.

I agree just say no. Tell him his money issues are his problem, not yours to sort out for him.

That's a 'no'!

He's trying to manipulate you on three fronts: by making you take a 3 hour round trip; by tipping off your SIL so you'll feel you ought to accommodate her too; and a little light guilt trip around child contact, for good measure. Plus all the other manipulations which you've anticipated. He's good at this, isn't he? :(

This is key information though ... DD doesn't seem that fussed whether she sees him tomorrow or not ... it's for her benefit, not his, so even more reason not to rise to his behaviour.

Unluckily, it does sound as if your DD is having to get used to an unreliable father in her life. You cannot really fix this for her, though it must be painful to watch and deal with.

And I totally understand your anger about his money management, or lack thereof. What a nightmare you've had to deal with! Not something you want to drag along into your new life.

One good reason not to do this, it is setting a precedent and he could argue in a court that you should do this regularly. If he is not giving you maintenance, talk to CSA and get it set up with them.

While I feel that the NRP parent should see their children and on a regular basis, it is their responsibility (yours is not to prevent it - which by making your child available you are not).

It is not your job to be his parent. As the RP you have to take care of everything (home, bills, income, child care, job), and if he cannot even save the £16 for a train or bus fare to see his child, well he is an adult and making his decisions (albeit the wrong ones). If your SIL is so worried she can always drive him and spend time with you where you live?

Put note by phone.

"Oh dear, you've spent all your money? Perhaps you could sell your father of the year trophy."

Put phone down.

Sounds like my ex, i often get that excuse, my ex more over an hour away from DD, and knows that i will flatly refuse to take DD to him, he tried it once, he wont try again, because it will be met with a flat, fuck you.

Told him no.

I'm now taking DD to some children's theatre events happening here this weekend so we should have plenty of fun together.

She talked to exH on the phone and told him he was silly to spend all his money when he tried to explain why he wasn't coming. (No prompt from me.) Doesn't seem upset - I think her expectations of him are pretty low sadly.

That is very sad that a young girl already knows not to expect much from her father, my DD is 5, im sure she feels the same.

I would say no but that's easy as I'm not in your situation but as others have stated he will possibly continue to ask you to do this if you make exception this time.

Hard has it may be I'd dig your heels in and hopefully this will make him more careful with his finances.