Doing freedom Programme with H - want to share a hopefully happy outcome

[writergal]

After many years of EA and it coming to a head in recent months, I decided to start the Freedom Programme online. My H is very receptive to changing his behaviour and has wholeheartedly apologised for much of what happened in the past (mostly shouting, swearing - but this was getting worse. he can also be controlling). he saw how much it affected me in terms of my anxiety and the fact i was falling out of love - not surprisingly.

Anyway - I told him about the FP men's online course and he agreed to do it himself. I am hugely impressed by this and feel that it finally shows some measure of acceptance of his behaviour. I really hope it will change some aspects of our relationship and improve those parts which are good.

Much of what is on this relationships board is negative about marriages. I am hoping to show that it can get better. I reached rock bottom and was close to leaving him and he knew that. Maybe I was hoovered and perhaps it won't last, but I would like to document the journey.

I hope the FP won't do any harm - he is nowhere near as bad as the examples in the Dominator book - but there are some areas where it describes him to a tee. Control of money, house discipline, explosions of rage out of the blue etc. Control of my body, insults (disguised as "caring") silent treatment and other manipulative techniques. Oh and ranting, raving and lecturing (it is this I hate the most).

So we will see. I am hopeful but still just a little cynical. I think that is the right approach...

I can't reply over the weekend - but will come back on Monday with an update.

Sometimes I wish for a clear and obvious line. There are a few things which would lead to an immediate break - cheating and violence. But he knows this and seems to almost use it against me. Now I feel like anything less isn't a good enough reason.

I do feel like I am drifting. making sure, I suppose. At the very least I will be completing the FP to avoid making the same mistakes later. Once that is done, I expect/hope to feel much stronger.

My relationship examples aren't really very good - dad was financially, emotionally and verbally abusive. A typical old fashioned bully really. My previous relationship was violent and he lied and stole my money (about as bad as it gets really)

That said - my three brothers all have marriages lasting in excess of 20 years and all are still together. I chose my dad and they chose not to be their dad.

Charlotte - no I don't think he does see it. he sees the damage it did to me - but I think he believes it is me who has been damaged by my relationships and that he needs to accept some responsibility so I can move on. it feels hollow.

I am scared to- but I need to challenge him more as a way of testing him. I need to do more of the things which wind him up to see if it will help the facade to drop. If I keep walking on eggshells I will never know if change has really happened.

Hi OP,
I do feel for you. The feeling I had when I was in a v similar situation to you was amazement that my DH seemed to have absolutely no conscience about the 'damage' he was causing. On my side it was devastation. He was setting landmines in our family life and watching them go off with so sense of guilt or empathy. And there I was going round throwing myself on top of these explosions trying to stop them affecting our young children. Eventually I realised it wasn't by mistake or because he didn't know how injured I felt. No - this was how he wanted to behave. It wasn't that he was doing it only because he didn't realise the damage he was causing. He was doing it whilst knowing the damage he was doing to me and really didn't care. Like Cogito says - bullies do these things to get what they want. My DH did this to get what he wanted. He was getting what he wanted - so he carried on. If I put up a defence, he did it some more and did it worse so that I capitulated some more.

The surprise is that they want to inflict damage. You can spend your life wondering why he wants this. Or you can read Lundy on "Why does he do that?" - just to save time. In the end, it doesn't matter why. What matters is that he will continue to do it with increasing dedication. And you will continue to suffer.

This is just his preferred method of being in a relationship. All you can say in the end is "Well, it ain't mine'.

Hope it works out for you. I understand your determination to make it work, but do please have your get out plan up and ready. And have a deadline - For Yourself. Don't give it to him. Then you will know when you've had enough, when you've tried enough and when it is time to close this relationship down. You want to be able to say 'I gave it my best shot' - but make sure that you don't disable yourself in the process. Don't be so 'damaged' that you don't have the strength to end this when you need to. You don't want to waste any more years.

"There are a few things which would lead to an immediate break - cheating and violence. But he knows this and seems to almost use it against me. Now I feel like anything less isn't a good enough reason."

From your description, you have plenty of 'good enough reasons' to end this now. However, years of living with this treatment - and the Freedom Programme will help you understand this - mean that your tolerance level has been gradually ramped up in line with his behaviour. Your definition of a 'good enough reason' to leave is therefore skewed, you question your judgement, you think you may be overreacting .. and that's all a deliberate result of his actions. It's a form of grooming.

When you end the relationship, it may take some time, but you will have moments of clarity where you think back to some example of his behaviour and you will be quite shocked & you'll wonder how you let him get away with it.

The not reason you 'need' to end it, is that you want to.

Only. Not not. Aargh.

In your last post, you sound more like you don't believe he's really changing, but you feel you need proof to justify leaving now that you've given him another chance. This is the next stage I got to, after believing his promises and thinking my H could change.

Then I thought, who am I providing proof for? I know he's not changing - I can feel it. (A dose of counselling (individual) last year helped me to trust my feelings again.) So on Sunday night, I told him it was over. Again.

You want to say that you did your best. That you didn't give up.

I can PROMISE you that when you get further along in this process you will kick yourself for putting up with every lingering second that you 'invested' in a one sided relationship. Where you shared oxygen with someone who resents you to your very core.

There IS no Mr NiceGuy, it's an act. Please see this? We are all here for you, when you work through it, when you see the wood from the trees, and even in your struggle to accept what really is going on around you, as we've been where you are now, we'll be here for you every step of the way.